(Closed) Legally married before the Wedding? ideas?

posted 9 years ago in Ceremony
  • poll: when does it make most sense to get married?

    legal marriage and ceremony on the same day, no honeymoon

    legal marriage the week before the ceremony, plus a honeymoon

    other (please let me know)

  • Post # 62
    Member
    2265 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: October 2010

    @foreverli14:  There’s really no need to get so defensive if you are truly comfortable with your choice.  There’s even less reason to gang up on someone who has a different opionion. 

    People are talking about “signing paperwork.”  Well, when you get married “legally,” even in a church – you sign paperwork.  But that’s after you’ve been married and had your wedding.  All anyone has said (I think) is that a wedding is the act of getting married – you cannot separate the two.  

    For whatever its worth – I agree with you that a strictly secular, legal wedding with a JOP isn’t the same to some people as the religious ceremony.  I have no issue with people doing both under those circumstaces as long as they’re honest with EVERYONE about the fact that they are, in fact, already married. 

    Perpetuating a fraud upon your guests just isn’t nice.

    Post # 63
    Member
    325 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: August 2013

    @geekspice:  You said:

    If you’re already legally married, it’s not a wedding. As long as you’re upfront with your guests about the fact that what they’re seeing is basically a re-do, then I think it’s fine. But I do think it’s a little odd to be so obsessed with a particular date that you’re willing to jump through all these hoops. Why not just celebrate your anniversary on the date you want? The anniversary police won’t get you.

     

    I dont think it’s a redo, I think it’s finishing the job they started the week before.  To keep your phrasing intact:

    I think it’s a little odd to be so obsessed with the formalities of the when and where of contract signing.  Why not just celebrate their wedding on the date they want?  I’m pretty sure the wedding police won’t get them either.  🙂

    Post # 64
    Member
    339 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: August 2015

    @Zhabeego:  I  can appreciate your post, but some people on this thread have down right disresepected the fact that not everyone is the same. The point is it is not ones right to tell someone they don’t know that they are wrong. Having an opinon is one thing, being rude and disrespectful is another. Everyoone is entitled to their opinons however, take into considerations that not every bride who is on here is of the same culture beliefs , etc and wedding customs vary. I took offense because my husband is of mixed heritage he is Chinese and Black, In the chinese culture they have SEVERAL wedding ceremonies and they follow certain cutural customs. So the fact that he is of a certain culture but lives here in the US means we can’t celebrate the way his culture says? I think that is wrong, flat out to say that someone else is wrong for their own personal beliefs. Everyone we are close to knows we are legally married but that we are having a wedding next August. Its that plain and that simple ( no offense to anyone) I just like to see people happy and weddings are stressful as is so why add to someone else’s stress ( not directed to you). but thanks for expressing your opinion without attacking. 

    Post # 65
    Member
    488 posts
    Helper bee

    @foreverli14: 

     

    Well I am sorry but this person was the one who started with the insults in the first place and the Geek followed. It was not the difference of opinion that erked me, it was the tone and wording! I found both of them not only rude, but disrespectful and extremely judgmental.

     

    It’s not a matter of ‘ganging up’ – There seem to be several ppl on here intent on insisting they know better when it comes to how us brides have our weddings. I am sorry, but the majority overrides here, clearly via the poll numbers. And as someone rightly put it, my wedding, my money, my circumstances and no one has the right to judge my wedding as a ‘stage show’ – It’s a ridiculous insult! – They can free to tell us that they feel guests should be informed (MOST OF US AGREE, including me), feel free to say they would not personally go down that route, but they cross the line of sensitivity when they start accusing us of putting on circuses for everyone else’s benefit and contradicting themselves by saying we are being selfish for our choices too! – I simply do not get it!

     

     

     

    Everyone has a valid reason for having a legal first and a proper ceremony after. There are cultural, financial, legal, religious and distance related issues for ppl do this! Do they think the majority of us want the stress and hassle or arranging two events, that it was the first thing we dreamt about when we became engaged…?KMT!

     

    A CIRCUS WEDDING TO ME is when a bride quite obviously and blatently forgets the real reason she is marrying and gets herself and her fiance or his/her parents in to large amounts of debt whilst having a huge lavish affair that she/they simply cannot afford, for the sake of impressing others, all forsaking themselves!

    I and no one else on here seems to be doing either of those things! So they can refrain from coming up here in my grill with their prissy know it all attitudes accusing me/us of such outlandish things, and if they do, I will stand my ground!

     

     

    Post # 66
    Member
    339 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: August 2015

    @rdownie1:  NOW that said it all right there Perfectly! We don’t have to justify why we do what we are doing. GO GIRL!!! AMEN!!!! I FIRST SECOND AND THRID WHAT YOU SAID!!!!

    Post # 67
    Member
    339 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: August 2015

    @Zhabeego:  iam not defensive but when someone basically insults and disrespects both my spirtual and my husbands grooms cultural beliefs YAY I come out the pocket on them. I don’t tolerate that form anyone. I am not insecure about our decisions but I do not appreciate people who don’t know me or my husband judging us and telling us that we are wrong and selfish NONE of our family and friends have done that to us! NONE of them in fact here is a mind blowing fact Our PASTOR and HIS WIFE DID THE SAME THING for legal reasons – SO ARE THEY WRONG? They suggested we follow our own custom and beliefs and do it this way. As a final caveat the point is EVERYONE is free to celebrate their UNION THEIR WAY! I hope you can understand that but even you don’t its fine by me because at the end of the day not one person on this blog is paying for our wedding and not one person has the right to judge. Heres to knowing the difference between expression and opinion and being down right rude and disrespectful.

    Post # 68
    Member
    488 posts
    Helper bee

    @foreverli14:  It’s the first time I have truly got angered on this site, aside from some animal rights thread last year! HAHA. For the most part I am pretty chilled, but I aint having it on this one! Sorry x

    Post # 69
    Member
    339 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: August 2015

    @rdownie1:  don’t let em see you sweat it. WE know the reason for our WEDDINGS and if the are small minded enough to judge, we are BIG MINDED enough to IGNORE IGNORE IGNORE> I said all Im gonna say at the end of the day, we have a lot of things to get together before our BIG DAY. ITS A WEDDING and that’s the end of the story. lol maybe ther jealous they don’t get to do what we do. I consider it an honor and I honestly can’t wait. I am enjoying EVERY SINGLE minute planning. SO kudos to the small minded people but BIG UPS to us BRIDES WHO are open minded and well rounded:) CHECKMATELaughing

    Post # 70
    Member
    488 posts
    Helper bee

    @foreverli14:  AGREED! I’m over with even entertaining this crap any more, given it too much of my time and energy. They are right, if we are secure, why are we even bothering? I’m over to your thread next time.

    Post # 71
    Member
    2265 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: October 2010

    @rdownie1:  Wow.  You are really taking all this to heart for someone who is so comfortable with their choice.

    I really don’t have any beef or judgement with someone who has genuine legal or logistical reasons for going to a JOP and then having a religious ceremony.  I also don’t have any beef with couples like the poster above who have different cultural norms where more than one ceremony is what you do.

    That said, I’ve seen LOTS of posts on here and other wedding boards that amount to, “I want all the legal and financial benefits of being married now but I can’t afford to have my “dream wedding” so we’ll just go to the JOP, not tell anyone and just have our “real” wedding later!” And then proceed to spend the next year or so absurdly calling their husband their fiance.

    All I’m saying is when you get married, that is your wedding.  Its rude to lie to the people closest to you so you can try to preserve some dream wedding fantasy and Bee poll numbers don’t change that.  Under those circumstances, if one is already married but has a subsequent “wedding” afterward – what is it exactly other than a stage show?  Because at that point, lets be honest – it is about costuming, settings and an audience and not the act of getting married.  Its the getting married part that’s supposed to count the most. 

    Post # 72
    Member
    339 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: August 2015

    @rdownie1:  YAY!!! its a safe place for us BRIDES to enjoy planning our days and support one another:) see you there:)

    Post # 73
    Member
    488 posts
    Helper bee

    @Zhabeego:  There you go again with your obscene judgements….sigh. That does not even warrent any further response

     

    Post # 74
    Member
    2265 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: October 2010

    @rdownie1:  Obscene?

    Um, okay. 

    If you think it “obscene” for someone to understand that the very definition wedding is the act of getting married, okay. 

    If you think it “obscene” for someone to dare to think it’s wrong for a couple to lie and perpetuate a fraud on their friends and loved ones…so be it. 

    We disagree.

    Post # 75
    Member
    1875 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: September 2012

    @foreverli14:  WTF?  geekspice stated her opinion and you attacked her for it.  I don’t see how she was being disrespectful.  And she’s right about the boards.  The whole point is to get people’s opinions and have a healthy debate.  Being a bunch of yes-women is helpful to no one.   You also cannot tell people how to post. 

    Oh, and FYI, Christians do not have the monopoly on marriage nor did they invent marriage.

     

    I’d also like to point out that I don’t think many people take issue with someone getting legally married before hand and having another ceremony or reception later.  They just have issues when a couple lies about it and tries to cherry pick who considers them married.

    View original reply
    @slcall:  I don’t see anything wrong with option #2.  I don’t really get why you are so attached to the date, but I think it’s perfectly fine to get legally married a few days beforehand.  And since this is all happening in the same week, I think you can still call it a wedding and don’t need to label it as a vow renewal/blessing/marriage celebration.

    Post # 76
    Member
    339 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: August 2015

    @rdownie1:  Its okay I am sorry that you are being targeted too. 🙂 smile and come on over where you will be supported and loved <3

    View original reply
    @Zhabeego:  It seems to me that you don’t get that the tone of your posts are not only disrespectful but downright mean spirited. As for the poll I could give less than a rats behind what other people think is culturally acceptable. You are offensive in your statements. it goes waaaay beyond expressing your opinion and you are implying indirectly that any bride who can’t just settle for what they chose is staging a show. I wonder how you feel about Kim Kardashian ( and that was a circus) SHE got paid. All i am saying to you and others like you is you are free to feel how you feel and think how you think but becareful when you talk to other brides because you don’t know them and don’t knw their situation…. I know you won’t agree with what
    I am saying to you but you were rude and mean to rdownie1 and that is so unfair and you know good and well you would hit the roof if someone came out and said you wre fake and phony just becuase they had an opinion or assumption. I amjust think before you speak or in this case post…

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