(Closed) Legally married before wedding?

posted 4 years ago in Long Distance Relationships
  • poll: Would you get married before your wedding?

    I feel that getting married before the wedding takes the meaning out.

    Yes, it will take some of the stresses off of the wedding day itself.

  • Post # 2
    Member
    7528 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper
    • Wedding: October 2014

    Do you plan to tell people about it?

    Post # 4
    Member
    2240 posts
    Buzzing bee

    I don’t think it will help anything very much. 

    I mean, you’re saying, “Let’s get married so that planning our wedding will be easier.” What? That doesn’t actually make sense.

    Just plan your wedding, get married on the wedding day, and move in together after that. Yes, it’s stressful, but it’ll be over on your wedding day. You literally know on what day the planning will stop and your married life will begin. Just wait.

    Post # 5
    Member
    2180 posts
    Buzzing bee

    View original reply
    imsoon2bemrsb :  Get ready to be dogpiled by people who think that any ceremony after the legal one is a scummy gift-grabbing hoax. 

    How would being legally married before your wedding benefit you? I don’t see why a different legal status would be vital right now–there’s no health crisis that requires his insurance, or immigration issues, or an impending deployment. It’s hardly illegal for an unmarried couple to move in together.

    Post # 6
    Member
    1273 posts
    Bumble bee

    I got married legally months before the ceremony. We were long-distance too.(I’m from the US, he’s from Europe.) We were married at the county clerk here to start the paperwork for me to move to his country. 3 months later we had a ceremony and reception for family and friends here. Then a couple of months later we had a party there where I met his extended family.

    re: the wedding ceremony ..The officiant didn’t seem surprised or put off by the order of things. Some family and friends knew we were legally married in advance but most didn’t know.

    Post # 8
    Member
    1260 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: October 2017

    Unless you’re doing so for paperwork/legal reasons I’m really not a fan of the idea of getting legally married before a wedding. You’re inviting people to witness your marriage, so it feels like you’d be lying to them when you go through the motions afterwards, especially since only “a select few” will know. That’s part of the reason I really don’t like the TV/movie trope of “let’s get married in secret with just us because it’s so stressful, and then we’ll just fake the whole thing afterwards for our families and friends!” Yes, The Office, I’m talking about you. 

    Post # 9
    Member
    10474 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper
    • Wedding: August 2016

    I’m not a fan of the idea but as long as you are honest with people I don’t really have a problem with it.

    Personally, for me it would have taken away from our wedding day if it wasn’t actually the day we were getting married. And I think that if it’s important to you to be married before moving in together I think you really should wait until your wedding day instead of trying to find a loophole or just move in together a few months before the wedding. 

    Post # 10
    Member
    2180 posts
    Buzzing bee

    View original reply
    imsoon2bemrsb :  Some people don’t count their courthouse wedding as The Wedding–some make a distinction between the legal and spiritual aspect, think of it as ‘just paperwork’, don’t ‘feel married’ until the religious ceremony etc etc. I think you might ponder what the July “real wedding” you’re planning now will mean for you if you already fully consider yourselves married when it happens.

    Also, if you partner is not being proactive about wedding planning now, being in the same room with him isn’t going to make him Martha Stewart. 

    Post # 11
    Member
    8998 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper

    View original reply
    imsoon2bemrsb :  in the grand scheme of life it isn’t that long of a wait and guests that find out the truth AFTER your PPD might be pissed (at least I would be) that they were lied to. Also if you don’t believe in living together before marriage I assume you want your marriage recognized by a church? In that case your July “wedding” may have problems finding a clergy member willing to preside over a fake ceremony. 

    I have friends that also did not believe in living together or having sex before marriage, but both of their leases were up a couple of weeks before the wedding. They moved into a two bedroom apartment together and slept in the separate rooms until their wedding night. Maybe something like that would work for you? 

    Post # 12
    Member
    306 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: May 2017

    I think it makes sense if you need to be mairried for legal reasons. Ex.) My fiance and I are in different countries and can’t start the process until we’re mairried. 

    If the only restriction is a personal ideology then I don’t think it would be easier. You don’t need to be mairried to live togeher. IMO it’s better to live together first so you can enjoy your time and make sure you can tolerate each other. 

    Post # 13
    Member
    3327 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: September 2017

    I think it’s pointless lol. I also don’t like lying to your guests (telling a ‘select’ few means NOT telling the majority).

    By all means, get married ASAP and plan a party/fake wedding for later. Just please be honest wtih your guests that you’re already married, and are just having a party later. Then they can decide if they want to spend their hard earned money on attending/giving you a gift. Some people won’t be bothered, some people will side eye but still attend, some people will save their money and not attend.

    Post # 14
    Member
    7508 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper
    • Wedding: February 1997

    When there is a legal or health or immigration reason for it, I don’t see any issue in doing what is best or necessary for the situation. But it sounds like none of those things are present in your situation. And deceiving the majority of your guests that you have actually been married for SEVEN MONTHS by the time you have your ceremony is awful. It sounds like you are looking for a religious loophole, which completely defeats the purpose of the religious teaching, IMO. For a religious person, being married in the eyes of God (the ceremony you are inviting people to) is what matters, but you want the “blessing” of the state instead of God in order to live together. 

    Post # 15
    Member
    7592 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper
    • Wedding: June 2013

    So what would the point of having a “wedding” in July be then?

    I see bees on here who legally get married but don’t view themselves as married until they say their vows in front of a Pastor. In the case of the Catholic Church you wouldn’t be married in their eyes with a courthouse wedding so you shouldn’t be living together anways (please note: I have no idea if you’re Catholic and I am not, just repeating what DH’s priest told us). So legally getting married wouldn’t make it “right” to live together if you are abstaining due to religion. And if you were raised believing you shouldn’t live together before marriage, wouldn’t your family and friends wonder why you all of a sudden changed your mind (if you don’t tell them)?

    I also don’t understand why it would relieve stress? Would you not have a ceremony at all (again, see previous paragraph)? If you are having a ceremony the only thing that will change is appyling for and picking up your marriage license which takes all of ten minutes.

    If you want to get married when you visit your Fiance then by all means, do it, but don’t throw out fake reasons for it. 

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