Post # 1
This is my first engaged bee post post-engagement… but it’s not a very excited one because the last few days have been rather trying.
At first it was my sister speaking out about it – we’re not that close but we try. I understand she’s younger than me, just ended a very unsupportive and abusive relationship (which was only the lastest in a string really..) I know she feels sorry for most couples when they announce engagements so it wasn’t nice to hear her oppose it but I could understand on a level.
Then, my Fiance was dragging his feel about calling home with the news. He wanted to tell siblings before parents and I said it couldn’t happen that way – I asked if he could imagine how hurt a parent would feel to get the news second hand? Then he tells me that his dad doesn’t like me (he and his mother are astranged) and he’s worried about what his dad will say. The issues were my weight and intelligence. The intelligence illustrates how he doesn’t know me very well at all (My Fiance and him are more articulated in language but I’m more science/math focused). So hearing that was hurtful but I told him I could handle it but we do need to tell him.
I am sitting with him while he calls planning on talking. His dad answers and Fiance says he has news and tells him of our engagement. Before I can say hi his dad gets into it. He says he won’t be excited for him. Don’t get him wrong there are good and evil people in the world and I’m on the good side but he can do better. He then says he guesses I would make a good first wife (later says a good starter wife). He asks when the wedding is and Fiance says in a couple years and his dad says that’s plenty of time find the “woman of his dreams” before he gets married to me. The conversation ends with his dad saying “I won’t be dissappointed if this doesn’t work out” *sigh*
Fiance says he’s glad I could handle it because most women couldn’t. The problem is I don’t feel I can talk about how hurt I am with Future Father-In-Law or Fiance continue to hide much of this from me like he had been.
After the families were told it was posted to facebook. Most of the excited comments were from people who knew one of us but didn’t know us as a couple. A few people I would expect to say something. He proposed in front of his friends and they were not excited but offered a simple congrats… no one asked to see the ring (the women)… my firends kind of just said “congrats” and left it at that not even demanding we get together to see the ring or talk about the proposal. The only person to ask about proposal details was one of my guy friends. My parents knew it was coming (he had officially asked) and they were just like “that’s nice” when we told them it happened but in fairness I think the excited came when he asked them for permission.
I know no one will be as excited for us as we are but it certainly doesn’t feel like everyone let on that is should.
I’m terrified of divorce and the negitive reactions combined with the lack of enthusiasm has really made me unexcited. What if my FFIL’s influcence plays into my FI’s viewpoint of “forever” with me? We’re not young – 29/32(him) but it’s largely me establishing him in life as I am well established. He’s never learned to clean so I’m teaching him now that we live together. He can’t budget to save his life so I do it. His rent is cheap as i’m his land lord. I’m helping him work down his debt. I finance our vacations and his expensive hobbies (paid back… but fronted by me). I’m helping him get his career in gear. My income dwarfs his and will for a while but he potentially could be the bread winner in a few years. I bought my own ring… Now I’m worried he’s just killing time waiting for his life skills to fall into place and he can get someone else. There is more investment financially into this on my part so if he splits he’s not out much. Part of me thinks it’s crazy but the other part makes me wonder and no one seems interested in listening about engagement woes and I don’t think I could discuss my “doubts” with him right now.
I don’t really have any questions, largely this was a vent. Advice is welcome if you have some.
Post # 3
wow that is a terrible thing to hear! and from such an immediate family member. honestly, i’m ashamed on his behalf for talking about someone like that.
did your doubts start after this conversation or have you felt them before? that you were more invested and committed to forever and him less so?
i can understand helping your SO grow and better themselves but it’s a give and take. you should both be enhancing each others’ lives, not one person managing and living the other’s life for them while they take the back seat.
really do some soul searching and see if this is the right course for you.
Post # 4
I’m really sorry that you had to hear that conversation with his father. I don’t care how strong of a woman you are – hearing something like that hurts. When we announced our engagement, my Fiance put his mother on speakerphone and her first words were “are you sure you want to do this?” He’s an only child and she has always been very over-protective, but boy did that hurt to hear. We’ve come a way since then, but it wasn’t exactly what I was hoping for. Thankfully my parents (even though they knew it was coming) had a more excited and appropriate response (as did my siblings) so I felt better that we had his mother’s lackluster conversation first!
All that aside, it sounds like marriage is something to put on the backburner (you indicated that it wouldn’t be for a couple of years which isn’t a bad idea) while the two of you figure out how you fit together and separately. You shouldn’t be “teaching” him how to be a responsible adult…he should be figuring that out for himself and asking you for guidance when necessary. If I were in your shoes, I’d take some time and do a little soul-searching to be sure that you are both in the right place to take as big a step as marriage. Good luck, OP (and congratulations!)
Post # 5
@Pele: Oh my goodness, I’m so sorry everyone has been so lukewarm and cruel. Your FFIL’s reaction, and the fact that you unfortunately overheard, made my jaw drop. You seem like a very generous and loving person. It does seem like you have your own reservations about your future relationship above and beyond what anyone says, so focus on you, your feelings, your assessments, because no one else will know better. Be honest with your Fiance and ask him these tough questions sooner rather than later, and be sure to ask yourself those tough questions, like what exactly you are gaining from the relationship and is it in proper balance with what you are giving?
In the meantime, I will ask!! Show us the ring!!! What was the proposal like? 🙂 How did you feel in that moment?
Post # 6
look remember that he is your Fiance and not your child. What worries me is how you focus on how you are just so perfect because of how established you are. Well maybe his ego and his lifestyle are being infringed on and he vents to them? I am not saying that this is the case as I don’t know your situation but I know that I had been helping Fiance in a lot of ways and it got to a point where though I saw it as ok and great he say it as him having to change his whole life, which after we talked we both were able to realize that this wasn’t the case and he got to see where I was making changes too. I would talk to Fiance maybe his family is a lukewarm underexcited family and yours isn’t so this seems weird.
Post # 7
:/ im so sorry that Future Father-In-Law was so cruel!
i dont have any advice for you since you havent really shared much about your relationship with your Fiance otherwise. it might be worth considering why the general reception of your engagement was so ho-hum though …
Post # 8
It personally sounds like people use you and take you for granted! Do you ever feel this way?
Post # 9
@Pele: I wish I HAD something to say… how awful all of this must be! Its an engagement, happy happy times not time for doubts and sadness. *hugs*
Post # 10
Wow – sorry that you are having those reactions.
I’m curious….. does Fiance *stick up for you* to his dad? ie: caveman like reaction….. ‘no one puts baby in a corner’ type of “dont’ talk about the woman I love like that”? Because he will NEED to stand up to his family for you. Even if they LIKED you……Fiance will need to be the one that handles his family.
2nd – you’re not his mom and he knows his family. I would be very frustrated if my Fiance *ordered* me to tell people in a certain way, because I have lived in the dynamic of may family forever and I know them best…… Let him tell them in whatever order he wants.
It does sound like you guys have a lot ot sort out…… why are you waiting years to get married? It sounds like you are in a “vulnerable” position. if you are *giving* financially…. what is he *giving*? It should be equitable, even if it’s not apples and oranges.
Post # 11
You’re really not alone. It sucks when people are not excited, or even happy to hear about the good news. I’m kind of in the same boat, but not totally. FI’s mother is hung up on his ex gf being “the one” for him, even though she hurt him by cheating and being a liar. My grandmother simply said “Oh, that’s nice” when I told her. Many of our friends are divorced and bitter, so they were (and still are) mostly saying “Pffftt…Good luck with that”
The reality is that while in my life there are lots of people who are “happy” for us, I chose to focus on the few people that were debbie downers. they rain on our parade. The good news is, and I am sure that you have people in your life that are happy for you both also. Unfortunatly, their saddness may be taking over here. Let me explain. Before I met my fiance, I was kind of sad and down. Most all of my friends were married, and starting families. I felt like it wasn’t going to happen for me. (I was 29 when I finally met my fiance). I showed my happiness and was supportive of their new and exciting lives, but deep down I was tired of kissing frogs and not finding “the one”. Could it be the people in your life are love jaded? They are sick of it not working out for them? Take a closer look at their situations, and while that is still selfish of them not to share in your joy-they may have some feelings of saddness that they are not willing to address.
Post # 12
In reality my doubts are new.
I have my frustrations like everyone. I never thought he was using me but doubt is being internalizing feedback this way.
My main doubts are maintaining the home. Luckily it’s not a lack of willingness – just skill. Yes that sometimes makes me a “mom” – showing him how to clean a non-stick pan after tears because he scrubbed the coating off the last piece resulting in it being garbage or going through stain guides with him because he spilled something all over the carpet yesterday and figured it will just come out when it’s steam cleaned x weeks from now. How else does one handle this without leaning this way?
The finances aspect was explained as a deal breaker very early on in our dating. I said I would not marry someone with consumer debt and particularly not with outstanding collections. He took that to go out and work on this himself and eventually asking for my help in different ways over time morphing into what we have now. The two years is mostly related to this – his debt repayment plan ends then. That being said, he’s been looking for a second job to speed that up and save for wedding stuff. 2 years is the far end of a window – it hasn’t been a long enough engagement period to truly discuss the date yet.
My Fiance did stick up for me to his father. It wasn’t dirty dancing style but when Future Father-In-Law said “you have lots of time to find the girl of your dreams” he replied he disagreed and that he already found me. At the end he said the conversation went better than he thought it would. Before calling he told me if he was given an ultimatum between his family and me he’d pick me.
It’s not like he doesn’t give to the relationship – but it’s different and more intangible. My issues that I am working on are things he’s less able to directly help me with because he hasn’t been there done that. Things like – becoming healthier (we’re working together as he’s not there yet either) or wanting to find something I can be more passionate about (replacing my position or sublimating my current job) he treats me well and makes a great companion but those things are just not as outwardly apparent to others looking in. I really don’t think he uses me – but it’s still through provoking to see both sides of that perspective.
Post # 13
@Pele: iam so sorry your going thru this ; ( hugs
look deep inside yur heart how do you feel he feels about you?
and i dont feel you should have bought your own ring i dont care how lil he makes or if hes paying you back. my Fiance does not make near as much as i do but my ring cost him 3 months of his salary. are you going to pay for the wedding too?
these are things you need to think about.
and f%@$ his father to dare say that avout you.
his own son dosent sound very smart to me.
you on the other hand have a beautiful soul.
blessings and good luck!
Post # 14
@Pele: At the end he said the conversation went better than he thought it would. Before calling he told me if he was given an ultimatum between his family and me he’d pick me…
As to this point – I think your FI is straight crazy to term that conversation as going anything near “good”/”neutral” etc. Your Future Father-In-Law was emotionally abusive and a bully and should be ashamed of himself. My initial reaction to your Fiance believing the conversation would have been WORSE if he was issued an ultimatum to choose, is that in reality, it would have been much BETTER if he had been given that ultimatum. At least in that way, if he chose to stand for your relationship, you would have been able to wash your hands of his vile father.
I don’t have a lot else to add. I am happy your Fiance is willing to work on his deficiencies to rise to the plate and be a proper partner for you. That being said, you are a strong and patient women to have listen to this man spew hateful, ignorant things about you. I would have absolutely lost it on that man.
Big Big Hugs.
Post # 16
@Cornflakegirl: He proposed at his birthday party. We had a private karaoke room because he’s been taking voice lessons lately and wanted to show them off. I was pretty stressed out from work and running late so I missed him being all nervious and didn’t know it was coming nor could i pick it up from his behavior.
The first song up was our song – I don’t want to miss a thing by aerosmith. The story of our song is kind of relivant. We were very early into dating at a karaoke party for a friend of mine and we wanted to do a duet. We picked the song (not remember it’s sappy factor) and sang it. We got a lot of awes and such after we finished and we were so embarassed because it was too early for a song like that (there was no I love yous yet!) but the song stuck and we grew into it… it’s true now.
He sang the song and near the end he pulled out his phone and said he had his own lyrics which was my proposal set to a famous poem I can’t recall right now (he’s the poet not me). He was still really nervous because he got down on one knee across the room from me and opened the wrong box (the box the ring box comes in) and threw it down trying to find the real box. He asked. I said yes. Then he was too far away and his friend told him to come closer. I kissed him and extended my hand for the ring placement and he put the closed box on my hand. So I asked if he put it on and he got so embarrassed and nervous because he’d forgotten that part. It was cute.
For some reason my pictures adding mechanism is broken but my ring thread is here: http://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/our-custom-erings-are-here-pic-heavy from when we got them back from the gold smith.