(Closed) less than ideal proposal

posted 6 years ago in Proposals
Post # 32
Member
472 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

@andymc128:  Aw hon, I’m sorry this all didn’t pan out like you imagine. That kind of disappointment can be severe.

We haven’t told any friends, but she wants me to call both of our parents, and tell them the proposal didn’t count and the real one is coming when her actual ring is done.  

This is… um… just don’t do this. Hopefully when she wakes up and reconsiders, she will realize how unhinged this sounds.

If a “redo” proposal is important to both of you, that’s fine and you can/should do one. But as so many PPs have pointed out, what makes an engagement is not the ring, the depth to which he knelt, or the number of fireworks that went off in the background- it’s that two people agreed to get married. My own fiance proposed in the course of a normal conversation while I was sitting on his lap and we were waiting for the risotto he was making to finish simmering. I was over the damn moon.

We told our parents and close friends immediately, but he didn’t want to announce it to world at large till we had the custom ring he ordered (he understood better than I did how many people would demand to see it!). So it was our little secret between us and our nearest and dearest for a few weeks, and that was a wonderful, magical time. But we booked a venue and I bought a dress during that time as well- we were 100% engaged.

When the ring came, he held on to it for a few days and surprised me with a clean apartment and a home-cooked dinner one night, and gave me the ring with some sweet words. And then we told everyone about it. But that night he gave me the ring wasn’t a proposal- he didn’t even ask then, because we’d already made the decision.

It is not a decision that should be riding on how elaborately the question is posed. If her answer IS truly riding on how much of a show you can put on… I’d think looooong and hard about whether you want to ask again. 

Post # 33
Member
454 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

First of all, thank you for posting this – it really does give us girls some insight into the mind and hearts of men…

Secondly, I am sorry that she was disappointed and isn’t appreciating the fact that you are engaged, despite the obstacles that you faced in proposing. Does she know exactly how it all went down?

I had a “less than stellar” proposal. My Fiance proposed in our kitchen, while I was prepping for the next day’s Thansgiving meal, the day after I lost one of my horses! AND, he didn’t actually say the words will you marry me. He didn’t get down on one knee. AND he didn’t get me the ring I really wanted. In my heart of hearts, if I am honest, is there a part of me that wishes it all was the way I wanted it? Of course there is.

But you know what? He proposed with a beautiful ring that is a reflection of both of our tastes. Our exchange? Him: “Are you going to be my forever girl?” Me: “Of course I am – you know that.” Him (producing the ring): “Well, then I believe you are going to need this…” And when my heart was hurting and my eyes were puffy from two days of mourning and I smelled like onions – he asked to be the person with whom I get to share this journey.

In retrospect, it was as perfect as it could be in that moment. And when my little evil, green, judgemental, spoilt monster comes a knockin’ – that is all I have to remember.

I, like other PPs, do not think you should repropose, per se. I think, if YOU choose, when her ring is finished, you can present that to her, in the fashion that speaks to you, with the words that convey your feelings for the life you are looking for with her.

 

Post # 34
Member
556 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

If I were a man, a woman wanting me to call her parents, tell them we aren’t enaged, and then get engaged again would be a wake-up call. My fiance read this before me because I left my computer open and then let the dogs out. He said he felt sorry for you because your fiance sounds so high-maintenance. Life isn’t perfect. If this is how she deals with something not going exactly as she wanted, you have long road ahead of you. You sound so nice. And quite frankly–she doesn’t. It sounds like you deserve better. I know we don’t know the whole story. Maybe she is usually a very selfless person who has helped you through the hardest times of your life, loved you unconditionally, helped every old person cross the street, saved every homeless animal you’ve encountered…but I doubt it. She sounds selfish. You can’t fix that.

Post # 35
Member
318 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: February 2011

A propopsal is a special moment, but the proposal itself is special enough. I don’t understand people needing all these special bells and whistles. I’m not saying it’s a bad thing if a propsal is over-the-top or prefect, but wanting to redo the moment seems strange. The moment’s done – you love her and she loves you; celebrate and start planning more special moments in your life rather than trying to go back and force old ones.

Her making you “fix it” sounds a bit bratty, to be honest. She should be thrilled to be with YOU, not unhappy because she didn’t get her ideal proposal.

Post # 36
Member
568 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2014

@JackieDe:  +1

I sounds really rude for her to be so unimpressed. But if you want, you can do something special for her when you get the new band. Do not propose again though because the special moment should be the first proposal. Just have a romantic evening and give her the new band like you would a gift.

Post # 37
Member
3025 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2014 - Prague

@andymc128:  🙁  That’s not how she should have reacted. She seems to be thinking about this as 100% about her, when actually, there are two of you involved. I’m a bit ashamed of her, really.

I really hope that you know who you are planning on marrying, and that she deserves you!

Post # 38
Member
304 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

What if, when you get the ring she really wanted, you repropose?  Technically you are engaged, but what if you planned a nice night out/at home, took your time, had everything the way you wanted it to be.  And then get down on one knee and just tell her that you wanted a redo because you wanted to make it as special as possible for her?  I honestly think she is being a bit of a spoiled brat.  My fiance proposed on a random monday while we were getting our Christmas card pictures taken and I thought he was being a jokester and kind of mocking me like “i know you want to get engaged so I’m going to act like I’m proposing- see how funny!” And I actually said “this isn’t funny!” and pushed him over.  The photographer has my awful facial expressions in pictures and everything.  That being said, after I saw him digging in his pocket for the ring and realized he was serious, we both started crying. I think back on it and LAUGH- not tell him to REDO IT!

Post # 39
Member
224 posts
Helper bee

rterearealliinfunfaiShe’s being

Post # 40
Member
2866 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

@prahajess:  I agree. She is only looking at this from her own perspective. You have done no wrong that you need to “make right.”

Post # 41
Member
2389 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

Redo it?  How are you supposed to do that – get unengaged?  The ship has already sailed.  You’re engaged.  And she sounds like the type of person who cares more about the perfect proposal than a life with you – frankly I’d run from someone that ungrateful.

 

Post # 42
Member
1150 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2015

@andymc128:  I think she’s being a little harsh telling you to ‘fix it’.. you had all the right intentions and she should appreciate the effort. The truly special and most important part of the proposal has nothing to do with how elaborate you make it.. its the act of getting engaged itself that is special.

My Fiance proposed to me in a very low key way, just the two of us at home with fairy lights and candles and I couldn’t imagine anything more special or wonderful. I will always cherish the memory. I think she needs to reassess whats really important about this moment.

Post # 43
Member
660 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2015

I’m sorry things didn’t go to plan for you. I don’t want to bag on your Fiance but, I think she could have a better attitude about the whole thing. It sounds like she placed more importance in what the proposal would be like than anything else. Not all proposals go perfectly but who cares? It’s about spending the rest of your life with someone, not about how they popped the question. 

My Fiance actually proposed to me in Rome in our hotel room. He didn’t have a ring and he hadn’t asked my parents. He just hadn’t planned on proposing while we were on holiday even though he knew he wanted to marry me. Even though it wasn’t the perfect proposal by other people’s standards, it was perfect to me. My heart still skips a beat when I think about it and I’ll always remember how I felt that day, the pure elation I felt. Even though I was DYING to tell everyone, we kept our engagement to ourselves (his idea) because he wanted me to have a ring, a beautiful one that I would be proud to show off (I’d have been happy with anything and that’s the God-honest truth! ) and also give my folks a heads up. I thought he’d get a ring and then bam! we’d be engaged. Five months later he proposed on Christmas day. I was completely taken by surprise! I have two beautiful moments to remember and neither one means less than the other.

Post # 44
Member
620 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2015

You are engaged. You don’t need to propose again. When you give her the real ring you can make it romantic, special and private. So what if the proposal wasn’t your best; you’ll have a lifetime to be romantic with her.

Don’t bother calling the parents to announce that the proposal didn’t count etc. That would just be weird and overly dramatic. Good luck.

Post # 45
Member
2167 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

@andymc128:  Wow…..wow. Your girlfriend sounds lovely, and not a bit bratty either.  

Post # 46
Member
163 posts
Blushing bee

Don’t re-propose! Honestly, that’s not going to ‘fix’ anything- because what is wrong here is not the proposal. The sort of person who loved you would have laughed along with you and cried at how hard you tried

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