(Closed) Less than perfect marriages

posted 3 years ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
2099 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: February 2016

mingogo4 :  no relationship is perfect. There’s always something you can work on and address. There’s also times when we’ve worked on something previously and we let ourselves our slip.

For us, we have got where we are without any major bumps. We’ve had some larger arguments but nothing that made me think ‘I can’t put up with this’. I personally think that when you cross that line into thinking about leaving the relationship, it’s hard to get yourself back into it.

In this situation where you’ve found yourself at the point you want to lee ace the relationship, you should try to consider counselling to have a professional help you find a way back. Although some things will obviously depend on what has caused you to contemplate leaving the relationship.

Post # 3
Member
1253 posts
Bumble bee

mingogo4 :  

I second what PP said; no relationship is perfect.

My relationship had a lot of up’s and down’s. Darling Husband struggles with childhood trauma, and he was always very stubborn and hard headed. Not to mention battling things I never knew about.

There were many times he lied about things; but none were deal breakers.

He broke my trust many times in the beginning but it was small little things that were insignificant in the bigger picture. We broke up once, for 8 hours. 

No relationship is perfect, but you need to know what’s ok…and what’s not.

Post # 4
Member
9853 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2016

No relationship is perfect. But my husband and I have had pretty smooth sailing in the 8 years we’ve been together. No almost break-ups, no lying, no cheating, no separations. We have the occasional argument but I would say it never lasts more than an hour and then we make up and move on. I feel very blessed to have found my husband.

Post # 5
Member
1174 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2017

My Fiance and I, no. No breakups or major issues. We’ve had one big fight that was more of him making a stupid decision that could have had major consequences and I was super angry. He knew he’d made a bad choices and apologized and promised to prove to me that he would never do it again. He hasn’t in 2 years – so I trust him. Aside from that one incident, he’s not behaved in any way that makes me doubt him.

My ex husband broke my trust all the time. We nearly divorced after one year of marriage. Spent year two working through it and were mostly good for 5 more years – until he did it again. I’d fully given him my trust, despite some behaviors that made me uncomfortable. Thinking back, I should have left after year one. But I’m so glad for my daughter, that I wouldn’t actually change my decision to stay. I grew, I learned and I am thankful for that.

Post # 6
Member
765 posts
Busy bee

It’s a slippery slope to ask other people this question and expect it to inform your answer if you should leave or not.  Whatever the “reason” is you’re considering leaving is something you need to weigh against your own personal moral compass.  I know we want to look for answers in others but at the end of the day the decision is your own to make.  No amount of noise from others should drown out your own internal voice.  What is your gut telling you?  What is it telling you not out of fear or anger, but really telling you?  What are you able to live with?  And that’s part of it.  Whatever your “reason” is you personally will need to live with it day-in day-out until death do you part.  Can you survive that?  No one has the answer to that.  You may not even have the answer to it because you will always be living that question — “Can I live with this?” 

Post # 7
Member
6833 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2016

Perfect? Absolutely not. But, by your definition then…kind of? We never had any big blowups that made me reconsideration our relationship. My husband feels the same. He has always been 110% committed to me/us and has never for a second had doubts. 

When we first moved in together though (over 3 years ago), that was pretty hard. We were both very independent people who had lived on our own for years. So there was a definite adjustment to having to share a space with each other. That lasted about 6 months but, like I said, we were both committed to making it work so we made it a priority to communicate openly about what was going on and come to certain decisions and compromises. 

Post # 8
Member
898 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

Ehh, nothing before marriage but we got married young and yes, I do believe as we’ve “grown up” together we’ve  discovered that we do have some fundamental differences that quite honestly make things really hard some times.  There are two reasons why we stick together and fight to make the work: 

1. We have two kids and are very dedicated to our family 

2.  Both of us are willing to put in the hard work.  There are still (and who knows, maybe always will be) problems without solutions in our marriage but we both strive to work on ourselves and our relationship until we can meet in the middle.   

I would list our most-difficult-to-overcome differences as the fact that we communicate so differently and still, after 4 years of marriage and couples counseling it is still hard to read each other sometimes and communicate comfortably, and also the fact that some of our values are very different. 

 

Eta to answer your last question: yes I have found that it is indeed possible but I imagine that would depend on a lot of the surrounding circumstances and of course the individuals involved.

Post # 9
Member
6460 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2016

My husband and I are approaching 10 years together next month. We’ve had some pretty significant bumps along the way and a couple times where we had to step back to reevaluate whether or not to stay together.

I think some significant changes happened when we really committed to having a relationship that works for us (rather than what is traditionally expected). Also, as long as we continue learning and growing together, I don’t expect my relationship to be “perfect” or to have no conflict. But every year we are better (individually and together) than the year before and that makes me believe that being together continues to be additive to both of our lives.

I spoke with a friend who separated from her husband for about a year and asked her about her journey and she said she couldn’t worry about other people’s opinions, she had to check in with herself and see where she was. She wasn’t done with her husband or her marriage and so she remained with him.

Another friend was done but took about three years to make her departure plan. During that time, I think she continued looking for indications that her husband was changing or shifting in some positive way. He wasn’t and so once she was financially and emotionally ready, she left.

Post # 10
Member
59 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: January 2017

We had serious issues that we had to resolve, and I considered leaving, very seriously, about 3 times.  We got married a couple of weeks ago, just about 2 years since we met, and it’s been smooth sailing.

The main issue was that my husband was not really divorced from his ex wife, in habits. Even though there were no feelings there, he was still in a marriage dynamic with her.  Some counselling, lots of huge fights (one was so bad he slammed the dishwasher closed and a plate broke), tears, but for some reason we always felt it would get better and worked together and it really was getting better.  He now thanks me for showing him how entrenched he was in her ways and what a doormat he’d been and we are soooooo happy.  I’d say it took about a year and a half total until we got stabilized.

There was also a lack of trust in the beginning which made it hard for me to believe his promises (all he kept though) because at first he said he was divorced when he was really separated and in the process of divorcing and because he was a bit shady about how involved he was with the ex, mainly because I think deep down he knew it was weird and was embarrassed to admit things with his new flame.  And she was also horrible to me, which he would not see, her being mom of his kids and that frustrated me even more, he should protect me right?

The worst thing I did (and I admitted it to him every time) is read his emails a few times and once his texts to see what was really going on with the ex.  This was highly uncharacteristic for me, I was mid 30s and he early 40s, I’d had relationships before, we’re not jealous kids, it was just such a weird situation for me.  It was also hard for me to forgive some of the things he did, but knowing him better now, I know that he is really slow to change and actually did think he was doing the best for his kids.

It’s all sorted out now and I think that it’s because of everything we went through that we’re so strong and I feel confident I married the right man.  Obviously there was a lot of love for both of us to keep going.

Also, if anyone’s wondering why I’d get involved with that situation, I didn’t know.  She has a long distance boyfriend and when he’s around, everything’s normal, it’s when he goes away that she tried to go back to get him as her backup husband.  That didn’t happen until the 4 month mark, well after we fell in love, and that was the first time I considered leaving (and told him so!) and the beginning of the rough times. 

So… it can happen.  I don’t know, I’ve broken up in the past for much less, but I really thought he was trying, as stupidly as he was, to do the right thing and I did see change and growing love for me, so I stuck around.  Was a difficult decision because I’m not a spring chicken and didn’t want to waste years, but I did see the positive change and that was the key.  On another note, now, at 38, I am expecting my first child with him too.  It’s amazing where we are now.

Good luck!!!

Post # 11
Member
59 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: January 2017

Also, your last question.  It was possible, but there were times I thought it was impossible, because I’d keep playing things over in my head.  But with time, I forgave and understood him.  It was a combination of him realizing what I went through and me getting to know him better and why he did what he did.  He was also pretty patient with me, when I would ask him questions “Why did you do that at that time?”.  So yes, but it takes time.  There was one incident, where she banned me from something and he took her side, that took me about a year to get over. Sometimes your mind just takes you to the past.  But we got here and we haven’t fought about her since mid summer.  That is huge progress because we used to have a big fight at least once a month and those fights would be on and off a few days.

Post # 12
Member
6637 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: February 1997

No individual or relationship os perfect. However, I have been married many years and neither of us has ever cheated, lied, or considered leaving the relationship/marriage. Never. And I, personally, would not continue in a relationship where that had been the case because I would always have a seed in the back of my mind that if he did it once, he could do it again. Additionally, we knew before we got married that we wanted children. I could never bring children into a relationship where I had even considered leaving their father (or vice versa); it was just too risky for me. So neither of us has ever expected perfection from the other, but neither of us has crossed any major lines, either (cheating, lying, emotionally checking out, verbal or any other kind of abuse, etc.).

Post # 13
Member
282 posts
Helper bee

mingogo4 :  My now-fiance and I have had serious difficulties in our relationship stemming from inappropriate boundaries with his ex-wife. I initiated several breaks in our relationship over the 3.5 years we’ve been together because I felt like he had some unresolved feelings about his erstwhile marriage and needed some space to come to terms with his divorce and devote himself 100% to moving forward with me, or with someone else eventually if the chips fell that way. And because sometimes I got so frustrated with him compulsively kowtowing to this horrendous bitch that I couldn’t stand to look at him. We even broke up for a few months because he proposed one day out of the blue after a lot of fighting and I really felt like we weren’t ready to sign up for a lifetime together before he had fully extricated his head from her you-know-what. 

We are back together and were planning to get married this May, but some recent events have made me realize that we still need to back up and see how this issue pans out. On a day-to-day basis, our relationship is great. I look forward to coming home to him every day and it’s hard to imagine me spending my life with anyone else. On the other hand, I initially went into this relationship thinking I had found my soulmate and have been dissuaded from that. There were many times earlier in our relationship when he gave in to her demands and I’m finding it hard to forgive and forget. For example, when she broke up with her boyfriend and whined to him about how hard it was going to be to spend Christmas by herself, he invited her over to spend Christmas with him. And I don’t mean that he included her in our Christmas plans–he said that I couldn’t come because she didn’t like me and would be upset by my presence. Granted, she threatened to kill herself and I had family in town and she didn’t, so I did not have to spend the day alone, but I still haven’t gotten over that even 3 years later. I seriously considered ending the relationship over it, and if we’re being honest, I briefly considered stabbing him as well. Instances like these happen with decreasing frequency and, though I still get upset by them, I can (barely) tolerate them now. I was actually reading newlywed78‘s story and nodding emphatically the whole time. Very familiar dynamic.

It will always hurt to know that when push came to shove, he has proven that it bothers him more to hurt that other woman than to hurt me. We may ultimately get married and stay together–and I think we can be pretty happy together if he keeps his promise to cut her off completely–but our past will always hurt me. Maybe I should get over it, but there’s always going to be some resentment and mistrust because of those episodes and our relationship will never be quite what it could have been had he been fully invested in us from the start. The point is that you should always do as much as you can to show your partner that he or she is important to you and not hedge your bets, even early in the relationship, to see what you can get away with or make sure you’re the one who cares less and has less to lose. Carelessness scars a relationship forever and can diminish the potential for it to grow in the future. 

 

Post # 14
Member
5950 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2014

I’ve been married 2.5 years and it’s the easiest relationship I’ve ever been in. We never have problems with each other. Like ever. We’ve had to get through difficult life events: my dad passing, my favorite dog passing at the same time, and him being jobless, but we never had problems with each other through it all. I think we are very lucky that way. Now my ex-husband….

Post # 15
Member
4246 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

Contrary to what we are often told, you should not have to “fight” for a relationship to work.  I have had issues with my husband, everyone does, but we have never once considered “this may not be for us”.  We compromised and made it work.  We have a strong marriage, built on an even stronger foundation of trust and respect and loyalty  Having been in relationships where I did seriously consider leaving, I would never go back to that.  Ever.  I have a solid relationship with a man who I trust implicitly, who I share my life with, who supports me in every way, who encourages me when I don’t feel like I can do something, and who loves me unconditionally.  I wouldn’t trade that for an unstable relationship just because “love conquers all”.

Stability is what gets a relationship through the hard times.  Stability, consistency, and loyalty.  Some days it is hard to choose to continue to love that person, but a relationship built on pillars of not just love but loyalty, respect, and trust can weather even some of the hardest storms. Despite loving someone, think…is it really worth it to stay with someone who doesn’t provide that trust and mutual respect?  Having been on both sides…I would choose trust, hands down.

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