- 5 years ago
- Wedding: October 2014
This is mostly a rant, or at least a chance to blow off steam. My SO and I have been together for two years or so, have lived together for a year and a half. We’re looking to get engaged in the next few months — he has the ring, it’s in the house, it’s just a matter of timing. I’m divorced, my SO and I met as the court case was finishing up (it was a long divorce), but we didn’t start dating until well after the divorce was final. Many of my friends are from during and after my divorce — my ex husband, who was abusive and manipulative, kept all our friends in the settlement, basically, except a few who I was really close to and he didn’t really know. So there’s the background information.
As I was trying to broach the subject of the upcoming engagement with my girlfriends on a recent trip, I mentioned that I needed a new Kiddish cup (I’m Jewish) since the last one was from my “first” wedding. At which point, one of my friends turns around, looks at me, and goes, “How many weddings do you think you’re going to get?”
I’m probably being overly sensitive. But between that and comments about how I spend so much time with my SO — we live together, I have bad health and so does he, and we’re both in the research portions of graduate degrees so we work from home a lot — and how I don’t want to go out and do “fun stuff” anymore, I’m beginning to feel like my friends don’t want me to move on to this next step in my relationship. I’m over 30, I’m settling down with my SO, I don’t want to go out and party or do weird late-night stuff like I did when I first split up with my ex. I’m also not in very good health at the moment, and I feel like any time I try to mention that, my friends dismiss the concern and instead, blame my SO for me feeling poorly. My SO has been nothing but supportive of me, and my older friends love him and find my behaviour pretty normal for my condition and the point where I am in my life. My family loves my SO and think I’m doing fine. But this group of girls that I was really close to right after the divorce and have tried to remain close to as I’ve had to move around with the vagarities of my degree, my health, and major family issues that’ve happened in the past three years, they’re really judgy and really harsh on him and I. I feel like I can’t tell them anything about what’s happening in my life because it’ll be more about how all I do is talk about my research, my health, or my SO. They want me to be more outgoing and exciting, and to be as crazy as I was when I just got out of an abusive relationship. I’m ready to settle down with my partner, and I feel like they’re not supportive of my settling down, but I can’t tell if they’re blaming my SO for me being “boring” or if I’m just not as much fun as I used to be and therefore a problem in the relationships I have.
Intellectually, I realise it’s because I’m in a different place than these other girls — I’m about four years older than most of them, one’s trying to find a job after her MA and living at home, one’s quit her BA because of personal issues, one’s just starting her BA as an older student, etc — and I’m the only one with a steady partner who’s looking at getting married. But I feel like I’m not entitled to be happy or to have a life that is centered around my SO because I’m divorced and clearly, I gave up my chance to be happy, so any time I talk about my SO or I have a less than stellar time of things at the doctor’s, I’m dwelling and miserable and it’s what I deserve. Because clearly, I don’t get another wedding. I’m older and divorced. I’m getting boring. I don’t deserve to be happy because when I’m happy, I’m a quiet, introverted homebody, and no-one wants to be friends with that person.
I don’t really want to stop being friends with these girls because when we’re not talking about my life, they’re great fun and I really enjoy the time I spend with them. But at the same time, I feel like I can’t tell them anything about my life without being judged. Do I tell them about the engagement and brace for a plethora of comments about my SO, or just not mention it?