Post # 1
So I’ve been reading quite a few posts today about us “waiting ladies” and I must say they have got me thinking.
If my SO (finally) asked me to marry him, I think I would make him wait, even knowing that it would ruin his proposal. How horrible is that?! Am I terrible for saying that?
I just feel so fed up and fustrated! I just feel like everyone (including me) is starting to doubt how serious he is about me since he hasn’t bothered to ask. It is sooo arkward! I am sick to death of it. Now, I just really want him to know what this feels like. I want him to understand what it is like for people to ask me questions related to him proposing. I want him to REALLY want it too. For him to wait and wonder will I say yes. I don’t want to get engaged to a guy who lets me wait for years, knowing it would make me happy and who knows outright that I will say yes.
I have been with my S.O for 5 years, living together for 4, both in our mid-late twenties. He has a great job and I have an okay one. Really long story short, he has had plenty of opportunities to propose … he can afford to buy a ring, he and I have discussed it and he knows it is what I would like, he says I am ‘the one’ and demonstrates it… BUT… despite hinting it at he hasn’t asked me.
He has told me a month in particular to look forward too… and it passed.. 2 years ago.
He knows I want to get engaged since we talked about it 16 months ago… and hasn’t asked.
He has asked me outside jewelery shops what I like about 8 months ago… and hasn’t asked.
There is no sign of him asking. He has a friend who is a ring-maker and he has only used him to help a co-worker or two get rings for their SO’s!!!
I hate that I feel like this. I am a happy person around him and I only sometimes mention the idea of getting engaged but I don’t want to wait another 5 years! I don’t want to ruin a proposal by making him wait but I would secretly like a big apology for making me feel like this or yes, for him to wait and see how it feels.
Post # 3
- Wedding: March 2012 - Pelican Grand Beach Resort
I don’t believe in playing games, so I would never do that to a man. If you feel that vindictive about it, it kind of makes me concerned. I get your frustration with waiting, but you could make it worse. I hope he proposes soon!
Post # 4
@mrsSonthebeach: Pretty much word for word this.
Post # 5
Yeah, this is what I mean, I hate what this is turning me into. I myself am concerned. It’s meant to be something happy and full of joy but the magic is disappearing about being replaced with resentment. When we first got together he used to joke that he couldnt wait to marry me… I guess five years on… I am wondering why he said that.
Plus, i’m fighting with the feminist in me who says that a man shouldn’t decide when you get engaged and the traditionalist in me who wants the man to pop the question.
Perhaps I should distance myself from all of this for ANOTHER few months?
Post # 6
Don’t focus on it (even though it can be very hard not to). Enjoy the time you two spend together and be in the present instead of always looking towards the future! You’ll miss so many great things focusing on the negative side.
If the waiting is something that is turning into a dealbreaker, I would suggest having a conversation with him about where your relationship is headed to make sure you’re both on the same page.
Post # 7
Now that is a new concept!.. But I agree with the others that it might backfire.. But it is frustrating that we have to wait and think about it constantly.. If they only knew how waiting effects and consumes us!.. But I also bet you wouldn’t be able to do that anyway! Once he does pop the question you’ll be so happy you wouldn’t be able to make him wait on an answer! :)… I hope it happens for you soon!
Post # 8
Deep breaths! He’s not ready, don’t be mean to him for that. Definitely don’t deliberately make him wait if/when he does propose! If you really feel like you want to do that, something isn’t right. I never experienced this whole “waiting” thing (engaged after 3.5 years), but just try to enjoy your relationship how it is right now. If you really can’t, then have a calm, serious conversation with him about when he wants to get married.
Post # 10
I don’t think being manipulative or playing games would be a good idea. I would trust that he has a reason to be waiting and doesn’t mean to hurt or upset you by it. And if you want to marry him then say yes when he asks. If you don’t, end it now. No point in being with someone if you aren’t going to marry them!
Post # 11
OP I really think you should sit down and have a serious open talk with your SO. Based on these feelings you’re writing about it really sounds like you’ve reached a point where you need to get some of these feelings out in the open in a healthy, constructive communication with your partner. It is never good to feel like you are being taken advantage of, are being made to suffer (paraphrasing there, but I think you know what I mean with him “making” you wait), or that you want revenge (again, paraphrasing into my own words) for what he’s doing to you – namely, making you wait so long and second guess.
Post # 12
I agree with the other posters that you need to have a talk with him. You aren’t giving him an ultimatum, but you can let him know that you feel devalued and hurt because you feel like your relationship has been put on “pause.” That you want this relationship to grow, but you feel like maybe he is comfortable just keeping things where they are now. See what he says, what his reaction is to your words. Maybe he’ll let you know that things are moving along nicely behind the scenes or he’ll give you a more definite timeline.
Regardless, you can’t let resentment build like this. A conversation about the relationship can really help diffuse the bad feelings.
Post # 13
I got to this point once. It wasn’t pretty. I said to him “If you wait too long, maybe when you do propose, I’ll keep you hanging.” This made him very sad, and I felt guilty afterwards. I just think it stemmed from him knowing that all I want to do in the world is be with him, and I felt like he was abusing all the power he had over me because he was taking so long with the proposal and buying the ring. I even got so fed up that I was 2 seconds away from buying him his own engagement ring and proposing myself. We talked it out, and I came to understand that he wanted it to be perfect, and on his own terms. The proposal was very very important to him, and he was just SO nervous because he knows he only gets one shot.
Talk it over, find out what he’s thinking, why he’s making you wait, and then just be patient.
Post # 14
I dont think I COULD wait to say yes. I would explode! Id be too excited to start a new endevour in life with him and would love him too much to wait even a second <3
Post # 15
I was at a point when I was waiting where I thought the same thing, and it felt good to feel those things. However, I don’t think you would want to look back on your proposal and think about that. When he does it you will be so excited that all of those feelings will melt away (hopefully). Sometimes it helps to cope to think about doing those kinds of things (trust me, we’ve all been there…!) but I think in reality you might not want to act on any of them. Hopefully he is on one knee for you soon!!!
Post # 16
I think that if this is how you are feeling then you must have an honest, opendiscussion. Guys often say stuff they forget about later- but we remember every word. So instead of going off of stuff he said years ago, I think you need to talk about how he feels now. After 5 years, he really should know what he wants.
You don’t want to start your engagement resentful. Marriage is a partnership, please don’t start on that road by playing a game, I’m sure that is not what you want either!!