(Closed) Let a man wait because he made you wait? To delay or not to delay?

posted 8 years ago in Waiting
Post # 17
Member
875 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

I think its time to have a timeline discussion with your SO, clearly you are not on the same page about marriage and the future. Good luck!

Post # 18
Member
966 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

I was with my now Fiance for 9 years and we lived together for 6 of those…..really, you would want to hurt him that badly?  You have to understand, being engaged is NOT for the guy, it is for the girl.  This is not a priority for most men. 

You also have to ask yourself…do you want to be married?  or do you want a wedding?  they are 2 very different things!

Post # 19
Member
6256 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: March 2014

@Aoibhinn888:  I think if you are having feelings like this, you need to talk to him. These sort of feelings poison relationships.

I read an article once that said that the most harmful thing to relationships wasn’t anger, or even betrayal. It was contempt. It basically said that past a certain point, love and contempt cannot coexist. And I’m sensing a little contemptfulness in your post. You need to nip this in the bud, now.

You say you haven’t talked about marriage in awhile, but I think you need to. If you want it, and there aren’t any reasons for him to be waiting (by that I mean, you’re both out of school, both financially independent, neither paying off a great deal of short-term debt, etc.) then you need to insist on marriage. NOT NAG. But insist on marriage. It’s been five years. If he thinks you’re ok with the status quo he is going to continue with the status quo. (and if you’re not telling him that you aren’t, and seem fairly happy otherwise, he will assume you are.) After five years, you kind of deserve to know what the deal is. If he doesn’t ever plan on proposing, you deserve to know that so that you can make an informed decision on whether or not to stay with him.

Good luck!

Post # 20
Member
10283 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2011

He’s not proposing because he’s not ready. When men are ready, they propose. I, too, was with my husband for just as long as you’ve been with your SO before he popped the question so I get how frustrating it can be but IMO, it’s ridiculous to play stupid mind games at such a special time in both of your lives. You’ll ruin the proposal you’ve waited so long for. Do you really want to look back in however many years and think “Wow, that was pretty bitchy. I probably shouldn’t have done that.”?

Post # 21
Member
33 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: October 2012

If you’re at the point of playing games, get out. There’s no integrity for oneself when you begin manipulating situations. 

I got engaged at 37 after being in countless relationships with many, many emotionally unavailable men. I realize how emotionally unavailable they were now that I am with a man who says what he means, means what he says, and doesn’t say it mean. Communication is direct and, for the most part, very respectful. When it isn’t, we both walk away and then come back to the table to apologize and try to find resolution (I realize I’m not perfect either!) that fits both our needs. He reminds me every day that we are in a partnership and not in a revolving dictatorship.

In my experience, you can’t manipulate or pressure a man into being ready to be in a mature, committed relationship. Don’t waste your time. Or do waste your time and learn the hard way like I did. I’m finally getting married for the first time at 39… and that’s because I stuck it out trying to fix relationships that I had no business trying to make work for so many years with boys in men’s bodies.

Men who are ready to be in a mature, committed relationship are those who are upfront, direct, don’t push, and always show up when they say they will. They are clear about what they want, not in their words, but in their actions. 

Most important advise: be your own best friend and counsel. If you saw your friend in a relationship with a guy who had trouble showing up for her and she was willing to resort to games to try to get him to show up — wouldn’t you just want her to not waste her time and to get out? As my mom said to me once after I was considering going back to one of my deadbeat exes, “You can’t fill the glass up with a refreshing drink if you have a bunch of mud in it.” The longer you’re with this guy playing games to try to get him to be where you want, the longer you’re delaying finding the guy who’s ready to be an equal partner with you.

 

Post # 22
Member
864 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

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@knoxing27:  +1

 

Post # 23
Member
3229 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

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@star_dust:  + 1

Perhaps it’s time to try living apart.  You know you two can live together since you have done it for the last 4 years.  Maybe he’s just too comfortable with your situation?  Plus it sounds like you are building up a lot of animosity and it might be good to have some space.  It might help you decide if you’re willing to leave the relationship if he’s not ready to propose.  I’m not saying to move out to force him to propose.  But maybe just to take a step back to see why he’s not ready and go to counseling to see what issues if any are holding him back. 

 

Post # 24
Member
529 posts
Busy bee

I feel your pain! I’m pretty fed up lately and wanting to tell my SO to just forget about getting married since it is obviuosly not something he really wants. I think there has  been some good advice posted here so all I would add is listen to your heart and hang in there because it will all work out the way it is supposed to! 

Post # 25
Member
15 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: January 2002

@Aoibhinn888:  We don’t live in the 18th century anymore. Why dont you propose to him?

Post # 27
Member
33 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: October 2012

View original reply
@thediamondguy:  

Seriously, diamondguy, is that how it worked out for you?

In my experience, the only reason why a guy doesn’t propose is because he is NOT READY. I am 39 and getting married for the first time in 2 months. I consider myself a feminist. I have been the initiator in a relationship before. The guy was very agreeable. He would tell me all the time how much he loved me taking the lead. And then one day he suddenly backed out telling me that he realized he wasn’t ready.

It’s happened to other women I know as well. 

Before my fiance proposed, we had a long talk about getting married — it came naturally and I didn’t need to bring it up or push the subject. Then 6 months went by and there was no proposal. When I prodded him he said, “You’re immasculating me. Stop and find out.” Three months later he proposed.

What’s your deal diamondguy? Are you married? Is that how it happened for you? Did she propose and did you say yes? I am fascinated to find out if that’s in fact how it worked for you… Of course, if you’re in a same sex marriage, then it’s a different circumstance. But do tell us how it all went down — I’m really curious!

Post # 28
Member
529 posts
Busy bee

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@knoxing27:  Agreed! My ex-husband and I married because I told him we needed to and he was agreeable about it but resented me and our marriage imploded spectacularly? Not saying that was our only issue but it didn’t help. I wish I could shut my mouth for 3 whole months like you did but I think unless I use duct tape I will cave and bring the subject up again lol! 

Post # 29
Member
212 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

It’s not very good to be spiteful just because you’ve been hurt, particularly to someone who is asking you to spend your life with them. That you’re at this point is concerning, and it sounds like your relationship is on its way out.

Another poster asked this and I’ll put it to you again: do you want to be wed or have a wedding? Is it the fancy party with all the attention on you or is it the commitment to the other person that you want?

To me it sounds like you want the party and the attention, not the commitment, otherwise you wouldn’t want to hurt the person you love.

Post # 30
Member
27 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: July 2012

  Afte 6+ years of dating and 4 years of living together, I asked my SO to marry me.  He was actually relieved that he didn’t have to do the whole fantasy/romantic proposal! Although I did get back at him on our wedding day by handcuffing him and making him find the garter with his teeth in front of his entire family! It was hilarious!Laughing

Post # 31
Member
433 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

@Aoibhinn888:  

Do not play immature games with a man, who has just done what you wanted him to do. Only punish a man when he doesn’t do what you want. Punishing him after he bought a ring and proposed will only confuse the heck out of him.

You say that you have waited all this time. Have you ever sat down with him and said “I’m feeling insecure in the relationship and I would feel a lot better if you told me what your intentions were. The time is approaching where I need a stronger commitment from you or I will interpret that as you not being serious.”

Men do very well with deadlines. Give him a deadline and if he doesn’t meet it, leave. That might seem harsh but do you want to be locked in a relationship with a guy who will never marry you?

I don’t mean to be judgy, but please don’t lower yourself to asking the guy. Go read the books by greg behrendt, they are priceless. A man who wants you will not hestiate in asking you to marry him. He doesn’t want to take the chance that some other guy is going to scoop you up.

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