- 8 months ago
- Wedding: July 2016
So today we took mil and fil to dinner as it was MILs bday. While there she asked us if we would let her and Father-In-Law do private dancing lessons in our home. (they live on a yacht.) We asked where they would do said lessons and they said they would move our furniture and rugs and use our dining room’s hardwood floor. They want to do it every Tuesday.. Since we were put on the spot dh and I were like “okkkk……” And luckily Father-In-Law picked up on our discomfort and told us to think it over.
Later we talked about it and I was initially like “well, Mother-In-Law is already in the house 2x per week because she walks our dog” (which made me uncomfortable at first: it was her idea.. but it’s been fine so far, and it’s been 6 months) and we kind of owe her for that same reason (though I tell her every couple months she doesn’t have to, but she says she likes it)
Darling Husband said he was uncomfortable with it but he felt bad because he thinks his parents would say yes if the tables were turned. I countered with: his mom throws a fit if I look through her cupboards for pepper. Or if I don’t leave everything in her house “just so”… Also: we would never ask for something like this. I also told him that their boundaries with us aren’t automatically our boundaries with them: that’s not how it works. He said he could never tell his mom that he needed more boundaries from her than she needs from us (yes, I see that red flag waving… We have been working on variations of this for a while now).
I asked Darling Husband if he would feel comfortable telling them no if we tried it out and didn’t like it; if we wanted to add less easily moved furniture to or dining room; if we decided we wanted to work from home on Tuesdays; if we have a newborn; etc.. he flat out admitted he wouldn’t be able to say it: that once they were in kicking them out would be impossible for him
In general I’m just super uncomfortable, given all this. I said if it was just once or twice NBD, but this indefinitely turns our house into “their” space once a week.. This whole thing puts the burden on us to keep our home clean and our floors clear for them and their teacher.. I just don’t like it. Plus, we have never met this teacher of theirs who will be spending time in our home.
I said better they find a teacher who is more local. (We think the reason this is all happening is because their lessons are pretty far away–they stuck with the studio they were going to before they sold their home and moved on to the yacht. They never actually said why the need to change, tbh..)
Anyway.. I think Darling Husband has come round, and im pretty sure he understands I’m saying no, not “up to you”. But he is still terrified his mom is going to be really upset when he tells her. IMO that’s all the more reason to say no..
I told him to not tell her why. Just “no, it makes us uncomfortable” “Why?” “It just does” “Why” “That doesn’t really matter..” Etc..
Any insight? Advice? His mom will 100% keep doing the why thing, it’s how she is.. and every time he doesn’t give her a full answer it kills him. So any advice for dealing with that would be great. Or, if you think I am being an asshole, you can say that… I’m open to hearing arguments, though I don’t know what will make me say ok to something that may make me uncomfortable indefinitely. (They have been taking lessons for YEARS.. this is not a phase.)
- This topic was modified 7 months, 2 weeks ago by amanda1988. Reason: edited for clarity--originally written on my phone lol