(Closed) Let's be more supportive of our younger bees!

posted 5 years ago in Weddingbee
Post # 3
148 posts
Blushing bee

Well said!  it is also important to remember that marriage ages can also be very cultural and regional.  in some parts of the US, marrying young is the norm and and other parts a 30 year old bride is common.  Why place your values and plans onto someone else’s life? There is no “one” best way to a successful marriage or fulfilling life.

Post # 4
4893 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

Man, I knew that thread would go that way… That makes me so mad. I’m a young bride and, while I LOVE that (for the same reasons as the OP of the other post), I never want to say anything here because I know it won’t go over well. 

Post # 5
4893 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

Double post

Post # 6
669 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

Well, I think partly its due to the fact that statistics don’t lie — http://www.slate.com/blogs/xx_factor/2013/04/02/a_reply_to_julia_shaw_women_marry_later_because_they_don_t_want_to_get_divorced.html

And also, we have all been young once and experienced young love. I know I have. I know I thought about marrying my college sweatheart but knew better than to do so before I finished school. And guess what, we grew apart as our visions of the future changed.

There’s never any rush to marry, which is why I think a lot of bees advise young women to wait until they are stable in their own lives — education finished, good job acquired and self sufficient — before getting married.


 EDIT — Actually pasting the full article here, because it really is worth a read:

“Julia Shaw, writing here at Slate yesterday has an article reinvigorating the old conservative hobbyhorse that people should marry young. Shaw herself married relatively young, at age 23 to a 25-year-old husband. Since it’s working out pretty well for her, she figures it will work out for you.

Oh, she knows that you’re going to object and point out that most young women haven’t met the right guy yet. She knows you’ll say that selecting a lifelong mate is difficult to do before you’re all fully baked adults. But you have it all backward: You can marry first with the assurance that being married makes you ready for marriage.

Sometimes people delay marriage because they are searching for the perfect soul mate. But that view has it backward. Your spouse becomes your soul mate after you’ve made those vows to each other in front of God and the people who matter to you. You don’t marry someone because he’s your soul mate; he becomes your soul mate because you married him.

I grew up in one of those red states where young marriage is the norm, and we didn’t call the man you married young your “soul mate.” Our preferred term was “first husband.” There may be something to the idea that your young marriage helps you grow up, but all too often, the beneficiary of the marriage-matured person is the next spouse. It’s a tremendously stressful and expensive system, and it’s no wonder that younger generations prefer to keep those starter relationships a little less legally binding.

Most people grasp the relationship between young marriage and divorce intuitively, but statistics shore up the case. As the average age of first marriage goes up, the divorce rate goes downState-by-state statistics show similar correlations between lower average age of marriage and higher divorce rates.

Shaw tries to distract from these concerns by talking up how much more cool stuff she can supposedly afford, like cellphones and plane tickets, now that she’s married. Yet she doesn’t actually indicate where these new income streams available only to the married come from. In fact, delaying marriage is associated with women making more money in the long run.

Not that any of this matters anyway. Watching conservatives desperately try to bully women into younger marriage with a couple of promises and a whole lot of threats is highly entertaining but clearly not persuasive. Women marry later because it makes sense given their own career aspirations. Even many of those pushing the ideological argument for young marriage, like Megan McArdle, tend, when it comes to their own lives, to opt out of the pressure to be young divorcees martyred for the cause. I’m glad young marriage is working out for Shaw, but for the majority of women, dating and cohabitating until they’re more sure is working out just fine. If he’s good enough to marry, he’ll still be around when you’re ready to make that leap.”


Post # 7
1902 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

I didn’t see the original thread, but I completely understand where you’re coming from! If the poster asks for advice, or mentions things that seem to be genuinely concerning then, yes, I think it’s okay to advise against this person marrying their current partner at a young age. Otherwise, do whatever makes you happy!

If we were to caution people against marriage just because statistics are against them, then the “Encore” section of the Bee would cop a lot of abuse! Baptists are apparently more likely to get divorced than most other mainstream religions, but you don’t see anyone saying not to marry a Baptists! Not to mention living together is a risk factor for divorce, yet many people on her feel that it’s imperative before marriage.


Post # 8
46413 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

Post # 11
11 posts
  • Wedding: July 2014

I think that this response to the article posted above says enough:


“This was obviously written to offend by being full of unbacked opinions drawing tidbits from a poll, lacking depth and providing weak arguments. If you can’t see the obvious increased wealth options of marriage then you haven’t looked into it. And if your term growing up was “first husband” then you were setting a stage for failure before it began. What I do find interesting is that the flaws she states about the other article with fear and bullying is exact her stance in opposition. I recommend everyone check out the original censushttp://www.census.gov/prod/2011pubs/p70-125.pdf which included breakdowns in generations, race and ethnicity. See the trends for yourself.  

Yes you guessed it I married young at the ripe age of 22 with Master degree already. However unlike her statement that would end my independence, my husband and I went on to obtain further degrees as a rocket scientist and surgical PA. Our marriage 10 years later is strong, includes 3 children and much happiness.  
By the way, I’ve seen many “good enough to marry” men get away because someone else stepped forward. So I guess if “making more money” is your goal then you’ll probably attain it and perhaps you’ll get someone else’s “marriage matured” person along with some of the “stressful and expensive” things that come along as well.”

Post # 12
255 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

@TattedNYBride:  Thank you for those words of encouragement =) I was getting so annoyed reading some of the older bee responses on that other thread! They started making me feel guilty for marrying so young (and really, 25 isn’t that young…) when normally I have no doubts at all.

Post # 13
647 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

I read, and commented, in that paticular thread because I’m one of the few people who is marrying the same guy I dated throughout highschool (10 years solid) and I’m getting married at 26. So I see both point of views, those who are excited to be with the person they love from a young age (not to mention the struggles) and those who see the benefits of marrying a little bit older.

I can also understand how it could rub older bees the wrong way because it is the internet and you can’t tell inflection through text. When I first read it I was put off because it seemed like she was bragging about how awesome it is that she’s able to get married so young and her and her Fiance were perfect for eachother. After reading it though again it’s obvious she’s just giddy.

I don’t doubt that it irritated some people who may not have even seriously started looking for a partner until after going to college and getting career. In all honesty, if you don’t want other people’s opinions then you should put it in a blog post and not a board meant for discussion. There were red flags in her post that warranted older bees commenting (things like she has no intentions of being an independent person etc) out of concern and experience. I honestly didn’t see anyone crossing a line or badgering her, however, the last time I read that post it was last night so who knows what may of changed. Of course all of this is just my opinion.


Post # 15
1722 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

Thank you from the OP of the original thread!  I really thought for once young brides would have a happy thread. I was very wrong…  I’m glad there are some women here who can be happy for us.  I  would galdly take advice from the older bees but I never asked for it because I am 100% happy and confident in my decision because I have a great relationship with a man who loves me more than anything.  Just because this is an open forum some woman believe they must try to change someone’s mind in order to “save” them even when they don’t need saving.  I really hope that one day young brides won’t have to constantly defend themselves here or IRL.

Post # 16
1657 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

Thank you for writing this. 🙂

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