(Closed) Lets discuss reasons FOR and AGAINST inviting children (I’m confused)

posted 11 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 47
234 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

@jaylii9 said what I came here to say.  I was in SanDiegoAli’s situation, I would definately have kids at our wedding.  But.  We have no kids, none of our friends have kids, none of our close family memebers have kids, and there are no kids that we feel close to.  If there were adorable neices who I loved, or little cousins that we were super close to, or my friends kids that I was always babysitting and spent tons of time with, then I’m sure I’d love to have them.  But as it stands, I’m not going to pay $90 a head at a black tie optional, open bar wedding for my second cousins 4 year old who I’ve never even met!  Especially after watching my friend’s ceremony get ruined by a 5 year old relative who kept banging blocks into the pew in front of her all through the vows, unchecked by her parents.  To be clear, I place the blame for that squarely on the parents, because it is physically impossible to play quietly with blocks, and they should have brought her a coloring book or something instead. Regardless, at the end of the day, none of us could hear her vows, and her wedding video is worthless because of the block banging and screaming when the grooms father finally went over to take them away from her.  Bottom line, if you have kids you love, then the rewards may outweigh the risks, and that’s fabulous and I’m thrilled for you.  I love the pictures of angelic flower girls, and 5 year olds in tiny tuxes.  But in our case, we all agreed that inviting kids would be all risk no reward.

What I think it comes down to @mudratdetector is are there kids in your life that you love enough that you want them to be there despite the risk of them crying, inflating your budget, knocking things over and becoming the center of attention?  To me there’s no “right” or “wrong” answer, it just depends on your situation.

Post # 48
2820 posts
Sugar bee

@mudratdetector – The fire pits sound really nice!  I’ve been to a couple country club receptions with and without kids so I think it’s still very much your choice (well and depending if the venue has kid friendly policies)

Post # 49
1418 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

I just wanted to add that my ceremony will be in my church and then the reception in a four and a half star hotel, so it will be quite formal.  However, we are still inviting kids and I am very excited for the “party” part of the evening with the dance following the dinner and speeches!

Post # 50
724 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

The only children I’m planning on having – potentially – at my wedding are 3 nursing babies and my cousin’s 2 older kids (7 and 3). My cousin is Mormon so it’s unlikely she’ll be partaking in any alcohol. We’re also not having an open bar (just an open bar during the cocktail hour, plus a sig. drink, and regional beer and wine) so I think that should help. I am planning on offering to get a babysitter for the kids, and the kids will definitely not be at the ceremony for the aforementioned noise reasons. But weddings are loud enough that I don’t really think having a couple of kids will make much of a difference. If I was having 10 or 20 or more kids, I might think differently, but no one we know has older kids, and my cousin is the only one of my cousin’s with children at this point.

Post # 51
866 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

We aren’t “against” children at weddings specifically, but have made the decision not to invite anyone under age 16.

Cost is the primary reason for us; we can not expand the guest list to include the number of children under our cutoff age.

Style of wedding and reception is another reason, as this will be an evening formal affair. All of the other children who are younger than 16 are younger than age 9 (interesting gap, huh?).

I generally tend to agree with other reasons — distraction, misbehaving, etc. — but our main consideration was cost alone.



Post # 52
5976 posts
Bee Keeper

I definitely think it’s your choice then! I think a country club wedding could go either way, and the atmosphere can be whatever you make it. If you don’t mind kids at the reception and can afford to have them there, then invite them!

I love your smores idea by the way! And if you do have kids there, I’m sure they’ll love it! Definitely just make sure there’s someone out there if the kids are going to be.

Post # 54
2475 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

For us, mostly it was about cost.  My venue charged $75 for a CHILD’S PLATE and if we invited all our cousins’ and friends’ kids, then that would cost us over $3000.  Plus, our venue size was limiting.  Plus, we wanted an adult-oriented affair.  You just have to know your crowd… my crowd got pretty drunk and danced a lot (expected).  So if we had kids running around everywhere, and with parents having to take care of them, it wouldn’t have been as fun a party. 

Btw, even after enforcing the “no kids” rule to the best of my ability, some people still brought their little ones.  It’s bound to happen.  Good thing they were infants so we didn’t have to pay for their plates!  Wink

Post # 55
3162 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

None of our immediate family or closest friends have kids, we’re not having flower girl/ring bearer, etc. so it’s pretty much a non-issue. Our main purpose of not inviting children is that we only have three couples with young children invited (none of them nursing infants), and I have seen in action one of those mothers in a public social setting letting her toddler run around all kinds of crazy and screaming at a nice get-together in a somewhat fancy restaurant and she just goes “OMG isn’t she PRECIOUS?” No, she is not precious. She is disruptive. Again, blame squarely placed on the parents – kids are kids and they do kid things. But I’m not having that kid at my wedding, so we’re making a blanket rule. It only really applies to a very few people and of those couples we don’t really care if they can’t make it. They are in the “obligatory invite” camp.

I also don’t particularly like children. There, I said it.

Post # 56
11324 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 2011

Why I didn’t want kids at my wedding: 

1) cost (we’re doing buffet and kids are the same as adults)

2) I don’t want any disturbances during special moments

3) I don’t want parents too busy taking care of their kids to enjoy themselves

4) weddings just seem like an “adult” function and it doesn’t feel appropriate to me to have them at a late night drinking type party

That being said I did eventually give in because there was a really good chance if we said no kids that my FI’s uncle wouldn’t come, and its important to us that he comes. On the balance we were willing to deal with kids in exchange for the uncle coming. 

Post # 57
2392 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

I hate children.

Okay, I don’t really hate children, but I am not a kid-friendly person and our wedding will not be a kid-friendly wedding.  We’ll have an open bar (and plenty of people who will partake in more than their share, I know), lots of dirty jokes and inappropriate toasts… we’re doing our own music and there will not be radio edits. There’s a couple of decidedly non-child-friendly songs that are must plays.

My fiance does have an 8-year-old half-brother and I have one first cousin who’s around the same age.  But other than that, all our siblings and cousins are in the 18-30 range with no children of their own.  We have a couple friends with under-fives but not many.  [in fact, our reason for getting married now rather than years from now was that fewer people would have kids so we could have an adults-only reception more easily – can you tell I don’t want kids of my own??]

We’re such bad influences, though, that I doubt we’ll even ban kids outright.  Especially since many guests will be out of town and there’s maybe 5 under-18s total who might end up showing up.  It’s more “this is what we’re doing, if you’re comfortable exposing your child to that.”

P.S. – I don’t really hate children.  I’m just no good at watching my language or behavior around them.  My parents (especially father) have never been careful with that around me and I turned out… well if not fine, pretty functional.

Post # 59
3124 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2009

@Entangled – that’s a good point.. it’s not fun to have to censor yourself at your own wedding if you have a potty mouth and want to get crazed. It’s the style of event you like, and you’re paying for, so you might as well have fun and do what you want! I like your plan – letting people know that you have no filter button and letting them decide. Just like tv! no sense in censoring all the channels – let the parents do that themselves.

Post # 60
1001 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

I chose to include children because so many of Mike’s family was traveling from hours away.  If I didn’t invite their kids, they probably wouldn’t have come at all.  In the end, it was fine.  The kids were actually better behaved than some of the adults.

We did have a baby cry during the ceremony and that bugged.

Post # 60
2186 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

@entangled – we are the SAME way. i hate hate HATE editing myself around children. and all our friends LOVE to partake in BEvERages and the like. its just not kid friendly – who wants their kid to see a drunk adult?

and i dont particularly like children either. babies (under a year) yeah. young adults, sure. but those in between years? NO THANK YOU. and we dont want kids either 🙂

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