(Closed) Lets discuss reasons FOR and AGAINST inviting children (I’m confused)

posted 11 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 76
315 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

We have a few reasons for not allowing children:

  1. There will be a significant amount of drinking, inappropriate for kids. 
  2. Cost–I’m not paying $50 a plate for someone’s kid to take two bites.
  3. Nothing aggravates us more than kids on the dance floor
  4. We’re avoiding all temper tantrums and behavior issues
  5. A lot of people have mentioned to us that they’re looking forward to a night out with their spouse–leaving the kids behind.

Post # 77
2194 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: January 2013

Like Chillmer, I’m not really a kids person and would go straight for the pet instead of the baby at someone’s house. ๐Ÿ˜›  But I LOVE to see little kids all dressed up at weddings, I love to see them dance, to dance with the bride, to do cute things adults would never do, and so on, and to me, like a few others who have commented, weddings really feel like a ‘circle of life’ sort of event that the presence of kids makes complete.  We are having a formal evening wedding with open bar at a historic mansion in like, THE ritziest section of the Upper East Side. It’s going to be pretty fancy schmancy.  But we’re still having kids.  We’re hiring a sitter so that, if they get tired out, they can go play games or take a nap till mom and dad are done partying.  Our venue is like one million massive rooms, which I was worried would be TOO big for our small wedding, so the kids will make it feel fuller!  No one is going to be driving back at night–almost everyone’s an out-of-towner and this is NYC, and there’s no valet at the mansion–so I’m not too worried about ‘kids’ slightly underage having a glass of champagne and feeling a little tipsy.  And because everyone’s an out-of-towner, I would hate to have to ask them all to leave their kids with a sitter for the night (that’s something my parents would have NEVER done), and didn’t want invites declined just because parents were wary of doing so.  If parents really want the night out, they can leave the kid with a sitter at home themselves, or leave them with our sitter in the kids’ room at our reception.  

Also, we have total control over our menu–we’re working personally with the chefs at one our favorite restaurants to give us exactly what we want, so we will have a reasonable amount of food for every kid, on an age grade, so we won’t be paying a million bucks for a toddler’s meal.

So I’m excited to have kids at our wedding!  It may not be the right choice for everyone, but I think it will work well for us.

Post # 79
593 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

@Serasvictoria I’m not saying your friend was in the right to curse you out over not coming to her wedding but I’m just curious…you won’t go to any adult-only weddings (exluding the exception you mentioned) even if it is a very close friend? That seems like it could be a very hurtful position to hold.

Post # 80
950 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

I agree with many PPs that the sole responsibility of disruptive children is on their parents…so, we’re not inviting those parents.  As one of the last in our group of friends & family to get married, we have MANY little people that are close in relation to us & whom we see often & LOVE.  We couldn’t imagine celebrating this milestone without those parents or their kids.  We’re not inviting the parents that we’re not that close to (& therefore have no idea how well they parent)…that includes nearly all of my first cousins (the only two cousins making the cut were brought up by my parents as my older sisters).  Kinda harsh, but there it is. 

Side note: our wedding isn’t just kid-friendly, it’s fun centered (which is very “us”) & we actually think our future children will be jealous that we didn’t have them out of wedlock in order to include them.  At our welcome party after the church ceremony, there will be video consoles hooked up for Guitar Hero & Super Mario Bros. At our outdoor reception after the outdoor ceremony, there’s a Disney kids table with a BUNCH of toys & activities for the kids to entertain themselves, then take the toys home as kid favors…and our real favor to every guest is a ticket to Disneyland.  Can’t imagine having this wedding without kids.

Post # 81
5976 posts
Bee Keeper

@Serasvictoria, I’m also a little confused. Was the sole reason you didn’t go to your friend’s wedding because she decided to have an Adults Only reception? I gathered from your post that you didn’t have children. While I think it was wrong for your friend to react the way she did, I think I would also find it hurtful if a friend with no children wouldn’t come to my wedding b/c of my choice to have an Adult Only reception.

If you had other reasons (you mentioned you had already planned to go camping that weekend too), then that’s totally fine, but I can see why the bride was upset if you told her the reason was b/c of her choice. Again…not saying her reaction was appropriate, and it didn’t give her the right to curse you out, but I understand why she was upset.

Post # 82
2194 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: January 2013

@ms. pascua–oh god, if I had Super Mario Bros. at my wedding, I might ditch my reception and just play all night! Haha.  I LOVE old-school Mario games.  I still regularly pull out my SNES to play.  Your wedding sounds awesome.

Post # 83
1019 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2011

@Serasvictoria i have a question for you, because i’m trying to also understand everyones point of view on the no kids thing.

first, your friend was likely out of line for cussing you out. but let’s take that out of the equation.

i posted this earlier, but for us, we have a space issue and we would need to cut out 15 adults to accomodate our cousins children (none of our friends have kids). we really don’t have any relationship with these kids (we see them at holidays maybe twice a year) and would rather invite 15 more friends that actually have an impact on our lives. just curious what your thoughts are on that. would you still not go, knowing it was only a space issue, not a matter of formality? or would you still decline our invite? let’s say we are just “good friends” but not BFF’s.

do you know the reason why she didn’t want kids at the wedding? just curious what it is… ๐Ÿ™‚

Post # 84
875 posts
Busy bee

I loved going to weddings as a kid and have some wonderful memories of child friendly weddings!  I hated missing my favorite babysitter’s adults only wedding.  So you can guess how I feel about weddings!  (The more the merrier!)  However I also think that there are some exceptions to the rule.  If you are having a very small intimate wedding, and including very young children eliminates adult family or dear friends… and adult event makes sense.  Hire a babysitter or two to watch the kids involved and order them pizza and a netflix movie!  If you are worried about crying babies during the ceremony, let the parents know where the church nursery is or help them know where they should go if the child is disrupting the event.  Plan for fun!!! Give the kids a coloring or activity page to do while waiting for you to arrive at the reception.  Have a babysitter available for a quiet napping room at the end of the evening…  Parents with very little ones can have the baby go there while they enjoy the party.  As for alcohol, not everyone is going to be drinking at your event all the time, plan to have pop, soda, tea, or a sherbet punch. 

Post # 85
860 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

I don’t get it either… I wouldn’t assume it was going to be a formal event just b/c there were no kids there.

Post # 86
13561 posts
Honey Beekeeper

We’re currently leaning toward a “no children under the age of 12” rule. I don’t have anything against kids, exactly. This just seems to fit better for our situation. Here are our reasons:

  1. Neither of our siblings has children, so there are no nieces or nephews that we are close to.
  2. None of our friends really have children yet.
  3. While some family members (cousins, etc) have children, we see these children possibly once a year at holidays, so we do not have a relationship with them.
  4. Many of the children on FI’s side of the family are allowed by their parents to run wild at all events. Last year, at FI’s cousin’s wedding, the kids knocked over the cake table and ruined the gorgeous cake.
  5. The reception is an evening event, at a fancier location in the city. With alcohol and the lateness of the hour, it doesn’t seem an appopriate venue for children.
  6. With the distribution of children in our families, we’d have to invite all or none. It totals almost 30 children to invite them all. That’s 30 fewer adults we can invite (adults with whom we do have a close relationship).
  7. The one young cousin with whom we are both close is going to be our ring bearer. We aren’t having a flower girl because we really don’t have little girls in our families that we are close enough with to include.

Kids at weddings or not is truly based on your own circumstances and the circumstances of your guests, so not every bride should feel the need to subscribe to the same rule. Whatever you choose, I hope it’s what will make you happy!

Post # 87
1684 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: February 2010

I have no problem with having kids at a wedding. Kids make noise – no biggie. Lemme tell, ya – so do drunk college friends. We thought about it but like PP’s have said it’s the cost that was the most to us – our venue doesn’t care whether a guest is 2 or 82 – a place setting is a place setting.

I’m 32 so most of my friends already have 1-3 kids. We also have HUGE families – just 1 of FI’s Aunts has 7 children & they’re all married with kids of their own – see where I’m going here?

We also ASKED many parents what they’d prefer & most of them said they were looking forward to an evening without the kids. One cousin actually begged for a night where she can leave the kids with her in-laws and party with the family. LOL

Post # 88
3123 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2009

heehee @chillmer – i go for the pet, too! Confession – we just went to visit a couple we are friends with that had a baby a little bit ago and after being kind of forced to hold it, and saying hi, i had nothing.else.to.say.about.baby. I couldn’t even fake it and found myself petting their basset hounds. I’m happy for them and all that, but what do you even do with a baby? or say about it? I asked a bunch of questions about it, but then went blank. We’re seeing them again this weekend and i feel like i have to have a list of questions and things to talk about. I feel terrible about it, and i’m sure they’re excited to have the company of other adults, but . . . we are so not baby people. I’d be fine if I had a litter of kittens someday.

Post # 89
454 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

Our number one reason for no kids (which for us includes adults under 21): It’s cost-prohibitive.

Our caterer does not do a kids meal so we’d be spending 100$/head per even 1 year old child.  I have 20 cousins that I must invite, all of whom have 5 children each under the age of 15 (Irish-Catholic).  That’s 100 kids right there…. 100*100 = can you see where I’m coming from about the cost prohibitive-ness?

Instead we’ve already decided to have a babysitter at my parent’s home with fun kid activities there. And it’ll be about 1/100th of the price — almost literally!

Oh and the under 21 thing – we’d have to hire security and extra bartenders and tag our guests as they came in to ensure only 21+ are drinking.  And we’d only be inviting 2 people between the age of 15-21 – my FI’s cousins I met once and disliked. So not worth it for just two people.

Post # 90
612 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

I don’t sacrifice my morals to keep from making hurt feelings. I personally don’t want to attend a wedding that doesn’t allow children, whatever the reasons are, because I think family is very sacred and children are apart of some people’s family. If I had children, personally I would be offended someone would not want me to bring them to their function for any reason. If you invite me, you invite my family or else I won’t be attending. If the person ends up with hurt feelings then they obviously don’t know me well enough because if you are making me choose between your event and my family…well that is a no brainer.

I do not have children, but my morals are the same. You don’t invite part of a family to a family event. Yes, some people will choose to leave their child at home, but that is their choice. I have no problems getting a baby sitter for a movie or something. I just don’t think the choice should be forced.

Like I said though, I understand why people have Adult Only weddings and that is their choice. MY choice is not to attend. Besides it doesn’t matter the reason I attend or not, no bride should be upset people decline coming to the wedding. That, to me, is a very silly way to act. 

You can debate my flawed logic all you want, but my morals are set in stone and I will not budge on them one bit. They are important to me and the Fiance. ๐Ÿ™‚

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