(Closed) Lets really be honest

posted 10 years ago in Emotional
Post # 4
Member
52 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: July 2009

Guest list cuts are hard (effective cost-cutting strategy, but hard). One strategy that has worked for my friends is to make a big effort to make those people that aren’t invited still feel important and included in your life. Its really easy to feel so awkward about not inviting certain people, that you end up avoiding those people, which makes them feel even more excluded. In my experience, the best way to cause the least damage is to explain your situation / wedding size, and then propose getting together one on one (or on a double date) in a causal way, or ask them about their life and start to email more frequently, or whatever to make the person still feel important. Most people don’t *really* care about the wedding invite when it comes down to it, they care about not being "picked" as an important part of your life.

 

Best of luck!

Post # 5
Member
2695 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: February 2008

I think it is a bit easier given that you are truly having a small wedding than if you were cutting people for a larger wedding.  I wouldn’t be offended if a friend said they were having a small wedding, with just family and a few very close friends.  (unless of course I thought I was one of the few very close friends).  I invited several people to my wedding who didn’t invite me to theirs because they had smaller weddings – no big deal, I invited them because I wanted to, not because of any expectations!  Most people will understand, can’t do much about the few that are offended beyond being really honest and making it clear they are still a good friend!

Post # 6
Member
35 posts
Newbee

Its so funny that you just posted this, because I got an email last night from an old college friend, whom I haven’t seen since college. She asked when the wedding was so that she could book her flight. That’s really strange, right?! I just wrote back and said "Thanks so much for your sweet note, but we’re having a super small wedding with just friends & family." The truth is, I AM inviting some people who were in our group of friends, she just wasn’t even someone that I thought to invite. I honestly think its really rude and presumptuous of people to ask questions like that!

I also ended up making up a story and saying "we’re planning on doing something back in the city for the folks we couldn’t invite to the wedding." Now I wish I hadn’t said that because what if she still wants to book a flight for that!? 

Oh also, we’re definitely not inviting people just because we were invited to their wedding. It depends on how close you are with those people and how comfortable you are with having them at your wedding. We’re trying to keep it small & intimate, and if you I don’t think you should feel like there are people you "have" to invite just because you went to their wedding. 

Post # 7
Member
36 posts
Newbee

I agree it’s not easy at all, and people will be offended.

I have several people on my list whom I feel obligated to invite but we really don’t have the budget to.  The rule I am trying to follow is, if this person gets so offended that I will never see them again, how will I feel?

Post # 8
Member
35 posts
Newbee

2009cndbride, I love that method. I think that’s a great rule of thumb. Honestly, I don’t think I would ever get offended for not being invited to a wedding, especially after planning one myself. These things aren’t easy!

Post # 9
Member
83 posts
Worker bee

I have a few friends on my guest list who I haven’t seen in years, but we were close back in the day so I figured I’d invite them. As soon as I said I was getting married they invited their boyfriends saying "you HAVE to meet him". Do I really? Well I don’t think they’ll be coming to the wedding either way because my venue honestly can’t hold more people (a very small restaurant). I MIGHT have a small reception back home with all those friends and show off my new hubby to the girls and meet the boyfriends after the wedding, but that’s entirely dependent on if I have any money left after I get married and buy a condo in the next year…

Don’t feel bad about not inviting some people. If you have to tell a white lie, do it. Tell them the guest limit is 65 and you simply can’t invite more. Get someone who has a camcorder to record absolutely everything, burn a DVD (or several) and send it out to those people who wanted to come but didn’t make the list.

Post # 10
Member
3331 posts
Sugar bee

We’re having a smallish wedding (100 people) and there are people who we did not include whose weddings we attended.  Honestly, there are probably people who wanted to get invited, who didn’t, but no one has really said anything to me.  I think especially with the economy the way it is, your friends and family will understand if you have to keep the numbers down. 

Post # 11
Member
67 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: June 2008

Unfortunately, people will get hurt and offended.  I really don’t think there’s any way around it.  The best way to soften the blow is to just be honest–tell them your guest list tops out at 65 and 40 of those are family (or whatever it happens to be).  That will give them some perspective–it’s not that they’re being excluded when everyone else in the world is invited; it reality very few people are being invited. 

Post # 12
Member
796 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2009

2009cndbride, that is an excellent rule! I’m not even having a small wedding, but we still had to make cuts and difficult decisions. I used the rule "if I saw them after the wedding, would I be embarrassed that I hadn’t included them?" That worked for a lot of people, but there were some people that were still iffy. It is much more clear cut to think "if I never saw them again…."

Post # 14
Member
443 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2009

You will always offend or dissapoint someone. I don’t think its possible to please everyone, especially when you’re planning a wedding. My Fiance and I also wanted a really small wedding. I’m close to my aunts and cousins so I invited them, and we didnt invite the family that my Fiance isn’t close to. I have a grand total of 4 friends on my side of the list, and the rest is family. We originally weren’t going to invite any of my FI’s aunts and uncles (just parents and siblings and their families) because he hasn’t seen them in probably 10 years. After speaking to my future in-laws, they thought their siblings would be EXTREMELY upset if they found out they werent invited to the wedding. We made that exception, but their children weren’t invited. They’re all grown ups now anyway.

I don’t think you should let it stress you out as much as it is. Just be honest with people, you shouldnt have to make up a lie, just say "its a very important and personal moment to us and we’re only inviting the ones we’re closest to." That’s exactly how my Fiance and I feel about it. Once you say that, the people you speak to once and year will realize that that doesnt include them. Depending on who asks, if you would actually feel like following through say something along the lines of "I’m sorry we haven’t stayed in touch but maybe we could get together and celebrate over drinks/dinner sometime". 

Post # 15
Member
400 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2009

we tried to have an intimate wedding.

We now have 125 people invited.

I’ve had a few "ask" or "tell" me what they’ll be wearing.
I’ve kinda laughed and said that we are trying to keep it to just friends and close family and I’m sorry we can’t invite them.
One of these people then offered to pay their own way, or come after dinner.
I replied that as much as I wouldn’t mind, it would really upset the rest of my family and it wasn’t a good idea.

You don’t have to be rude, but you have to be firm. Don’t let anyone bully you into letting them come. Stick to your guns. Tell them that as much as you’d like to have a large wedding, you have your heart (and budget) set on a small one. If they are REALLY adament about it (like my friend was) you really just have to nip it in the bud.

Good luck!

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