Letting a former friend back into your life

posted 3 years ago in Relationships
Post # 2
1395 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2017

 I had a very best friend in high school. Turns out she was badmouthing me to lots of people. I confronted her, our relationship blew up….later, we tried to rekindle the friendship only for me to find out she was still talking about me. So at that point I had had it & haven’t spoken to her in many years. Friend breakups suck, especially if you consider a person a best friend and they betray you. I think people do change though. In my case my ex best friend had always been a gossip…so why did I think she wouldn’t talk about me? That’s just who she was. By this time though she may have grown up and she may not be like that, but I wouldn’t try it again. You can only allow yourself to get hurt so many times. Did J ever give you a reason why she befriended your ex FI’s gf and talked about you? That’s kind of weird. But ultimately I think it’s up for you to decide whether you care enough to have her in your life again. Is becoming friends again worth the risk of getting hurt? Only you can answer that question. It does seem she is genuinely sorry though.

Post # 4
7654 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

It seems like there are a lot of daggers this girl has thrown at you over the years. She watches you go through the agony of breaking up with your cheating fiance, only to become friends with the woman he cheated with and talk shit about you to her?? No! I didn’t read all 21 pages on the old thread about the plus 1 issue so can’t speak to that but …I am not really seeing what you have to gain by befriending her again. While I don’t believe in holding grudges, I also don’t believe in pretending the past didn’t happen. In other words, you should forgive her and try to let this go, but that doesn’t mean you need to go so far as to embrace her and rekindle the friendship. Forgive, but don’t forget. I’d keep her at arm’s length.

Post # 5
507 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

sunnierdaysahead2 :  I tried to reconcile with some friends from high school and they were pretty much the same people (gossiping, etc.). I realized I had made a mistake by letting them back into my life and ended things again (after more hurt and drama). 

My input is some people are who they are… What happens the next time she is faced with maintaining her loyalty to you? I think her need to be with the “in crowd/clique” is enough for me to keep distance from her. Those type of women are usually gossips and back stabbers.

If the conversation did not flow naturally, I’d take that as a sign to keep distance.

There are stories of friends reconnecting and picking up where it left off. In this case it sounds like she was an insecure bitch who “could” still have those traits.


Post # 6
211 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

I’ve been there and it’s tricky. I have had two close friendships end and they are worse than when romantic relationships end. It’s still hard sometimes remembering the good times we had together. However, I’m a firm believer in the phrase “When someone shows you who they are, believe them”. That being said, it’s gotten to the point with both of those friendships that have ended that we’re cordial. We like eachothers stuff on facebook or instagram and I genuinely have no ill feelings towards them anymore and wish them well.

It’s not an all or nothing type of situation. You’ll know when you’re emotionally ready to have a little contact with her and from there you can gauge it depending on how you’re feeling towards her.

Post # 7
138 posts
Blushing bee

If she is sincerely sorry than yes I would reconcile. 

Unless she brings you down in various ways/is a toxic person.  

Life is too short to hold grudges, at the end of the day we’re only human. Just dont let anyone be malicious towards you or bring you down.

Post # 8
1715 posts
Bumble bee

 sunnierdaysahead2 :  So I just spent the last hour reading your old thread. It’s a slow day at work. I think your friend probably feels guilty about what she did and the only way she can ease her guilt is for you to be friends with her again. I know you said some people make mistakes, but there’s a difference between mistakes and people showing you who they really are. I personally would not want to be friends with her again. You even mention your hesitation about it and I sense that comes from you not wanting to be angry about it anymore. My suggestion is for you to speak to a therapist to move past the anger and not try to resolve it by re-establishing the friendship. I think both of you are looking to heal your wounds by making the friendship happen again, but I don’t think that’s the right place to resolve these feelings. I’m really sorry you went through all that and I’m glad to hear you are married to your SO from the wedding.

Post # 9
829 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

I think people can grow and change, and I try not to hold grudges.

Back in college, my best friend essentially dumped me like a hot potato one day, over a misunderstanding. Years later, she ended up moving to the city where I was living, and reached out to me to see if I was open to renewing the friendship. I had very low expectations, but agreed to meet up with her. Amazingly, it went really well, and we’ve been friends again now for years. As unusual as the situation might be, I’m really glad that I gave her a second chance.

Post # 10
2166 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

My best friend and I barely even speak anymore. I’ve tried SO hard to revive our friendship. It all went south after each of us got married. 

I went to apply for a home loan because it was a great time to buy, she got jealous we were going to buy a home before them and within two days they were applying for a home loan. Cool! I honestly wasn’t mad but her whole behavior shifted. She was snippy and only asked questions about what size we thought we wanted to buy, how many rooms, cost, etc. It was all bs. 

Fast forward two weeks, my husband made a comment to hers during a co-ed softball game and apparently it really pissed him off and they KICKED US OFF THE TEAM. Seriously? Shit was never the same after that. 

We worked together and we stopped speaking to each other. I got a new job closer to home and that pissed her off. I got pregnant and I don’t think that made her mad, but I don’t know to be certain. She stopped texting me and would barely speak to me. I kept trying because this was my closest friend. I finally gave up and don’t see the point in trying to pursue a friendship ever again because she only talks to me when she needs something. It’s never a “Hey, how are YOU?” It’s always an event or something that prompts her contact. She doesn’t care about me. 

Your ex-best friend is reaching out to you because she’s ran out of friends. If you don’t feel like you’re sure you want to become friends again, then don’t. I am a firm believer that even in the shittiest of times, you can work things out with your friends but sometimes it’s beyond recovery. I wouldn’t want to be friends with someone as you had described above. 

Post # 11
1232 posts
Bumble bee

Disclaimer: I have not read your previous thread, so I am relying on the summary in your OP.

One thing I’ve come to realize over the years is that “history” is not enough to maintain a friendship long term.  Just because you were close with someone in the past doesn’t necessarily make them a good person to have in your life in the present. There is no obligation to maintain a relationship because of what was: ask yourself if J fits into the life you have today.

It is sad that J has had troubles over the past ~2 years but pity is also not a good basis for friendship. Are you interested in rekindling the friendship because you miss her presence in her life or because you feel like she needs yours in hers?

You getting over your anger and you resuming the friendship should be treated as completely separate issues.  Obviously, you could not be friends if you are still hurting, but you don’t need to be friends in order to get over your anger.  Similarly, getting over your anger does not automatically mean you should become friends again: it is possible to forgive her without welcoming her back into you life.  I’m also strongly of the opinion that friendships, like any other relationships, should develop organically: if you have to force it, it probably isn’t worth it. If talking to J ressurrected a bunch of negative emotions and memories, or even if it just felt false and awkward, there is no reason to force things.

I think you are underestimating how much time you’d need to get over something as devastating as 2 significant betrayals in such a short time span.  The two people who should have been most loyal to you both betrayed you (with the same damn woman!) within months of each other.  It doesn’t sound like you have let this consume your life (you got married, presumably made other good friends who attended your shower and wedding) so I don’t think your anger is at an unhealthy stage.  If you feel differently, maybe therapy as a PP suggested.  But otherwise, give it time – a boring answer I know, but a truthful one.

Leave a comment

Find Amazing Vendors