- 3 years ago
- Wedding: April 2017
I first joined this site in 2014 when I was engaged to my ex Fiance, so obviously I’ve been around a while.
Nearly 2 years ago, I cut off all contact with my former best friend. The drama is in this old thread:
In case you don’t want to read all 21 pages (yes, there’s a ton and I don’t blame you), I will summarize what happened.
I broke up with my ex Fiance in October 2014 after I found out he was cheating on me with a coworker. My best friend, “J” was there for me through the whole ordeal. What made things difficult was that her now husband was good friends with my ex so I heard a lot about what he was up to. My ex proposed to the girl he cheated on me with about 7 months after we broke up. Again, J was there for me.
J got engaged May 2015 and turned into a completely different person. I gave her the benefit of the doubt and thought she was just being a bridezilla because of her diva attitude and demands. Her wedding was Dec 31, 2015 (yes, New Year’s Eve) and I was asked to be Maid/Matron of Honor. I was originally not given a +1, even though I was dating my now husband at the time. She had specific criteria on who would get a +1 and it caused a ton of drama. Eventually, she allowed everyone to have a +1.
However, about 2 weeks prior to the wedding, I found out that J had become friends with my ex’s then Fiance (the girl he cheated on me with). J had apparently told her about my dating issues and the drama surrounding the +1. That betrayal felt worse than the breakup with my ex.
I stayed on as Maid/Matron of Honor but decided I was done with the friendship. Her wedding was the last time I spoke with her until last night.
In the 20 months since her wedding, she has tried to contact me several times. She always apologized for her part and told me how much she missed me and our friendship, but understood if I didn’t want to talk to her. She contacted me when she found out I was engaged, on my birthday, Christmas, bridal shower and she even send me a wedding card. I never returned her calls because I wasn’t sure if I wanted to start the conversation again.
I finally did talk to her yesterday because I found out that she has been going through a lot herself in the last 20 months. Her “friendship” with my ex’s wife (who he had separated from but apparently they’re back together) imploded. She also has gone through 3 miscarriages. She is a kindergarten teacher and I knew she wants to have a baby very badly, so I feel very bad for her loses.
Our conversation was not very long and I felt very uncomfortable talking to her. I tried to keep things light and general; I didn’t go too much into the specifics of what’s going on in my life. I talked about work more than anything else.
I was the one to end the conversation by saying I had to go. She asked if we could talk again soon and I said I would think about it. She wasn’t pushy at all and said to call when I feel ready.
Here’s the problem. I’m not ready and I don’t know if I’ll ever feel ready. I hold grudges. That’s one of the things I hate about myself – I cannot let things go.
I don’t want to be angry anymore about what happened. I re-read my thread about her wedding (which I probably should not have) and it brought back all the hurt and emotions of that time. And I say to myself, why would i ever want to be friends with someone that treated me that way again.
But then in the next breath I think that people make mistakes. I’m not perfect either and I think she really has been hurting not having me as a friend. I actually have had other people tell me that.
So I’m wondering if any of you have ever had a friend hurt you and you were able to reconcille and let them back into your life?
I talked to my husband a lot about this last night. His advice was I don’t need to make this decision today and if I do decide someday to be friends again, our friendship will never be like it was previously. He’s never been in this position so he wasn’t sure what else to say, except that it does seem like I am holding onto the anger from what happened.
So Bees, any advice?