Letting go of the resentment I have towards my mother before I have kids

posted 2 years ago in Family
Post # 2
Member
404 posts
Helper bee

My best friend had an alcoholic mother who made a lot of poor choices and always chose men over her. As a result she is a stellar mother who always puts her son first- she grew up quickly and was very mature at a young age because she had to take care of herself. She has been super aware of her mother mistakes and goes out of her way to be the opposite for her child. I don’t think you will be like your mother

 

Post # 3
Member
717 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2019 - City, State

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renayaladisia91 :  Oh Bee. One thing I can say that if you are this cocnerned about becoming like your mother, you most certainly will not be. I find the older I get, the more I find inconsistencies the way I am as opposed to my mother.

My mother loved clutter. All those knick knack little things all over the place. We even had a room in our house that we blocked off with a gate because it was only to be used when we had company over. As such, I now HATE clutter. No knick knacks for me and most definitely no rooms that do not get used. I dust all the time, unlike my mother.

My mother is always late. She is the one person in our family we tell her to arrive an hour early, so she will only be 30 minutes late. As such, I abhor being late. I am always, always, always 10 minutes early to everything. 

I honestly do not think you have anything to worry about. Stay calm and just remember that you are not your mother. You will not make the same choices in your life. <3 Sending love!

Post # 4
Member
788 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

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renayaladisia91 :  Make a list of the things that you do not want to become as a parent (abusive, manipulative, unsupportive, tolerant of alcohol abusive, …) and then make a list of the opposites. Work on becoming the opposites.

My mom grew up in a sad home with her mother and her 4(5?) husbands going through the same issues you are describing. It was my mom’s goal to have a strong marriage and to raise children in a happy home, free of toxic words and substance abuse. I think she did a great job.

You can do this. You are not your mother 🙂

Post # 5
Member
24 posts
Newbee

You are not your mother. You are not doomed to repeat the bad decisions she made.  I was born into a dysfunctional family. When I was in college, I made a friend who had the most loving, affirming, and healthy family I had ever encountered. His mom revealed to me that she had grown up in a home like mine and was determined to become the type of woman that would give herself and her children something different. I learned from her that it is possible to have a future that looks different than your past. And, since then, I have been working toward becoming a woman that can give better to myself and my future kids as well.

You didn’t ask for advice on this part but I’ll offer it anyway in case it helps- it sounds like you need to do some work to set boundaries for you and your mom, heal from the damage you have endured, and release yourself from the baggage your mom dropped on you and your sister. It is not your job to clean up her mess or to carry everyone’s disappointment and pain. You can build any life that you want. Sending thoughts of love and peace your way.

Post # 6
Member
705 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: City, State

I grew up with a dysfunctional alcoholic mother. She was nasty when she drank.  When I was 14 she upped and left to live 3000 miles away on a different continent to live with a man she met on the internet (were talking 1999 when the internet was still newish)

She had a nasty temper. I remember once I got into a fight with a housemate at uni. This housemate was manipulative, only cared about herself and would do anything to make you look like the bad guy. In frustration during this fight which escalated because I refused to be manipulated, I threw a plate at the floor. I ran up to my room rang my dad and cried for two hours that I was just as horrible and vile as my mom was to me. I was terrified I was becoming her. You know what he pointed out. He always knew I had a short fuse, Hed seen it frowning up but because I’d lived with it and realised what it was when it happened, I was much more in control of my temper. And that was the last time ages 19 I ever got nasty with my temper. Because I’d lived it, I knew not to let it win and learned to control it

Post # 7
Member
5160 posts
Bee Keeper

Wow. My mother was a lot like this. She married 4x. She was cheap as hell to us and generous to herself. Looking out for #1, as you say. Thank God for my father. Sometimes I think my life choices were a reaction to her.

You can forgive her, for YOUR sake. It’s unhealthy to carry anger and resentment, it’ll poison you and your child. But while you may forgive, you aren’t going to forget. 

And that means never letting your mother(and quite possibly Rick) drive the baby anywhere.

Post # 8
Member
788 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

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sunburn :  Yes!!! If there is one thing that my mother did that I wish she didn’t, it was actively harbor her resentment towards my grandmother. Granted, my grandmother is a manipulative biotch just like the rest of them, but I needed to find that out on my own. I was raised with a negative view of her from the start and it prevented me from attempting a relationship until I was out of the house.

I learned to make my own opinion about my grandmother, but all of that negative energy my mom carried was so unnecessary.

Post # 9
Member
99 posts
Worker bee

I don’t think you should be so hard on your mom. In my opinion, once you get married that’s it: your husband comes before everyone. So in that sense I don’t blame her for choosing her husband over your sis. Not trying to be rude, but you sound pretty judgmental. But all that being said, I am sure you will be a great mom because you’ll be putting in 100%

Post # 10
Member
5551 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2017

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renayaladisia91 :  sometimes, an absolute insistence on not being like your mother is enough to break the cycle.

Therapy was essential for me to let go of my resentment. My mother barely comes to my mind, unless she’s causing chaos for my family. All of the anger and resentment is just completely gone. Therapy was essential for that.

I still go to therapy to manage my anxiety disorder, I am determined to keep my anxieties out of my daughters life, so I went back a year after she was born when my anxiety was spiraling again.

I credit therapy for breaking the cycle.

As she grows, she shows me proof of the broken cycle and my heart swells with pride with each passing year. She will never experience what I did, and she has such self confidence and such a personality. She has normal preschool worries like wanting candy for dinner etc.

You will see evidence of the broken cycle in your children. Therapy will be a good tool to get you there if you are afraid that your childhood is still having an impact on you

Post # 11
Member
5551 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2017

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skibumlove8 :  new spouses should never come before your kids. Her mother did her sister a favor though, hopefully she found some stability by living with her dad instead of her mother 

Post # 12
Member
5551 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2017

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rockclimberbride :  my daughter knows my mother as just another person in her life who loves her and who she loves.

I’ve completely separated myself to the point where my daughter has no clue how sick and manipulative my mother is

I can protect her from that now as she’s only 3, and I don’t visit my mother when she’s unstable.

When she’s older, if she wants a relationship with my mother, I will have some talks with her, but it won’t be angry or hate filled, it will just be that Grammy is sick and we need to be cautious so we don’t get hurt. Because that’s the truth, she’s just sick.

Post # 13
Member
380 posts
Helper bee

While my mother didn’t make the same bad choices yours did, she was an alcoholic and chose herself over me and my brothers almost always (we grew up with our grandparents.) I don’t have a child myself yet, but I know for a fact I will NEVER make the same mistakes my mother did.

But no you’re not being judgemental, and no a guy shouldn’t come before your kids, so please don’t listen to that advice. Your mother put herself first and put you and your sisters second, and unfortuately she will probably always be delusional to that.

Post # 14
Member
99 posts
Worker bee

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Sansa85 :  I can see where you’re coming from, but I guess my POV is that when you vow marriage to someone they are number 1. Regardless if kids are in the equation or not. But I could be wrong and I am not saying you’re wrong.

Post # 15
Member
5551 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2017

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skibumlove8 :  I can’t comprehend putting anyone before my daughter or future children.

I see what you’re saying, that your spouse comes before others and is an important person in your life though.

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