(Closed) Letting guests know if they can bring a person after rsvps?

posted 7 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 3
3625 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

We ended up doing this because we gave the caterer a much higher number than we actualyl ended up inviting. So I just contacted a few people that I knew were casually seeing people and told them that I have room for a +1 if they were interested. I did let them know about a month prior so if they had to go and ask someone, it wouldn’t put them in an awkward position of asking too late in the game. I only did this with people who we knew wouldn’t care (usually younger, easygoing people).


Post # 4
5474 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

I think anyone in a long term relationship (for that matter, anyone who identifies themselves as being in a relationship) should be invited as well as their SO, by name.

Post # 5
70 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I think if the people live together or are enganged you need to invite both. If they’re just dating than I think you’re approach is totally okay.

Post # 6
1876 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

For SO’s – you should invite them. The general “rule” is married, engaged, living together, or been together 6+ months. So if any of your friends fall into this category, the guests name belongs on the invite (no “and guests). Anyone who doesn’t fall into this category, can be invited solo and if space allows you could then let them know “hey, you can bring a date if you want!”.

Post # 8
13590 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

Anyone who has a significant relationship in their life (I’m talking 4-6 months of serious dating) should be given the courtesy of bringing a guest to the wedding.  It’s one thing to not invite single friends with a guest, but if they’re dating someone, it’s rude to not include the other person.

Therefore, I think of including the dates of your friends on a B-list, and making it known to your friends later by inviting them way after invitations went out, is rude and is going to cause trouble.

Post # 9
41 posts

I personally was invited to a long-distance wedding last summer and my long-term live-in boyfriend was not.  I didn’t realize this at first as the save the date was sent to me via email.  I had responded back and told her how excited we were to attend.  It would be a holiday weekend for us because it was more than 4 hours away from home. She then responded that he wasn’t invited but after all the rsvp’s were in she might be able to fit him in.

Once I got the formal invite and his name still wasn’t on the invitation, I RSVP’d no. I couldn’t afford 2 nights of $350 hotel rooms and didn’t want to spend the weekend without him.  After the fact, she said she didn’t understand why I didn’t come as there would have been room after she got some declines.

Okay, so I apologize for the threadjack but I think you really need to consider your friends. While my SO and I aren’t married, we have committed ourselves to each other and are life-long partners. You should consider that some of your friends may feel this way about each other and make your invitations reflect that.  If anyone has a significant, serious partner then he or she should be invited or you’ll risk offending people.

Post # 10
101 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

@BrideNH:  BrideNH…obviously you are on a budget but it isn’t the bride or groom’s responsibility to make sure they invite your boyfriend to their wedding just to make YOU feel good.  It isn’t your wedding…let me say that again…IT ISN’T YOUR WEDDING. 

When you come around to budgeting and planning your own wedding, let’s see how many inconsiderate people you get expecting you to make arrangements for them.  It costs money per person for a wedding.  The bride even mentioned that she was willing to make accommodations for you if/when a cancellation comes through.  She doesn’t have to do that.  You sound like a selfish troll…

Post # 11
2639 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2014 - Italian Villa

@NatashasNovember:  That was completely uncalled for, and @BrideNH:  ‘s concerns were totally justified. Please don’t be so rude on the ETIQUETTE forum.

Post # 12
1589 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

I would give anyone with a SO a date.

Post # 13
361 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

@NatashasNovember:  We invited everyone with a +1.  Also, if they were in a long term relationship, (3-4 months or longer), I specifically addressed the STD to both names.

Post # 14
9951 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

Etiquette Snob here… lol

OK, lets go over the key points on this topic first.

When it comes to Traditional Etiquette…

A “recognized social unit” includes… Marrieds – Living Together / Common Law – and Engaged Couples

Anyone else isn’t considered serious, because they haven’t declared themselves as such.

Recognized Social Units should be invited as a couple for a social event as a Wedding.  To not do so is indeed RUDE (a intentional snub)

Now the rest of your situation…

Ok for the record…

There is nothing wrong with having a B-List… despite what you’ll hear on these WBee Boards.

B-Lists are accepted by Traditional Etiquette and have been around for eons …

What makes them unpopular, is when the Hostess doesn’t manage them properly…

OR you get Guests who are sooo brazen as to call up the Hostess for clarification on their Invitations when it clearly says on them WHO is invited.

Altho this is I admit a grey area…

In that some folks don’t know any better (not up on Etiquette)

While others are just Pushy & Rude… in that they can clearly can read & understand an Invite, and what the Etiquette is on how they are written… should be smart enough to recognize a SNUB when it is given.  Snubs aren’t nice socially… but they can and do happen.  Oftentimes because someone feels obligated to send someone an invite… but not so happy with them overall to give them everything “they wish for” (so in hopes that perhaps they will not attend they snub them ever so subtley… so that the Receiver has to contemplate… IS THIS FOR REAL… HAVE I INDEED BEEN SNUBBED ??)

The gracious thing in such an instance… and how to stand tall, head and shoulders above the SNUBBIE is to graciously decline… and send one’s Regrets.

** So @BrideNH: altho you were RIGHT on the fact that your LI-BF should have been Invited to the Wedding… You were WRONG to call up and specifically ask that after receiving the STD.  This put the Hostess / Bride in a very uncomfortable spot… and therefore not that surprised if she then CHOSE not to add him onto the Official Invite (noting here that a STD is NOT AN INVITE… it is nothing more than a Notification of an Upcoming Invent.  You truly should have waited to see what the Invite said… to see if there was indeed a SNUB or not)

Sadly, all-in 2 Wrongs don’t make a right be they made by yourself or the Bride.

— — —

Ok back to B-Lists…

If you have Friends who are in “Recognized Social Unit” Relationships, then you issue their Invites as a couple… be that on the A-List or the B-List period.  They are not to be split up as was the case here with what happened to @BrideNH:

If you have Friends who are not in “Recognized Social Unit” Relationships… this is where you can add as the REGRETS come in from your RSVPs.  You call up the guy or gal and say… “We’ve had some space come available, and we’d like to extend the Invitation for you to Bring a Date”. 

Now some might say it looks like an After-thought and be all offended.

But the majority would be just thrilled to know you’ve thought of them again… and happily accept your generous offer.

If you have spare Invites lying about, you ask the Guy or Gal for the Address of their SO.  If you don’t, or they aren’t quite sure who’ll they’ll be bringing, it is ok to have them get back to you (this is especially important IF you are looking for your Guests to make Menu Choices).

The one thing that is important is to remember that when you receive REGRETS, that there is always the slim possibility that someone who has said NO maybe able to make arrangements to adjust their schedule (or whatever they’d already committed to previously will fall thru).  In which case… they may call you back with a request to change their previous NO to a YES.  And because you did ask them initially… you want to make sure that if need be you can accommodate them.  Which is WHY it is important when utilizing a B-List to only send out half as many Invites as you have Regrets (so 4 people say they cannot attend, you send out an Invite to cover just 2 people).  This insures you have some wiggle room if need be.

Ideally tho… B-Lists are BLIND… in that you use them strictly for couples or families (and not for add-ons to those who made the A-List (SOs, Kids etc).  Because it works best when the B-List folks don’t have a clue that there is an A & B List (that being the most polite way to do it) and you manage them in such a way that you either have two sets of RSVP Dates… or you send out your first round of Invites with a good amount of lead time (12 Weeks) so as to get back replies in a timely fashion as to utilize RSVP Cards with the same Reply By Date.

Hope this helps,


Post # 15
101 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

@gingerkitten:  Ginger, this is a public forum and people can voice their opinions on here.  I made a post a while back and got some insensitive remarks from women on here (one by BrideNH, actually).  I’ve been on the receiving end of ungrateful and inconsiderate guests and it was stressful. Sometimes people need a lesson in guest manners as well….

Post # 16
1017 posts
Bumble bee

@NatashasNovember:  Please refrain from personal attacks and name calling. I have flagged your post for moderation.

The topic ‘Letting guests know if they can bring a person after rsvps?’ is closed to new replies.

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