(Closed) Letting your SO temporarily support you financially

posted 5 years ago in Relationships
Post # 31
Member
5778 posts
Bee Keeper

If you can get help from your parents until you get back on your feet, I suggest you go this route. You’ve only been dating a few months- for him to offer to pay your rent means either #1. He has an extremely generous nature, which leaves him vulnerable to being taken advantage of or #2. He moves too quickly in relationships and likes the feeling of you being somewhat dependent on him. 

Post # 32
Member
15279 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

If he was the ONLY open (no family could help), I would let him loan me the money, keep tabs on what he’s paid out for you even if he doesnt want to, and then pay him back.  In case things go sour, I would never want him to have that to hold over my head.  And if things work out, then it’s all a wash anyways.

Post # 33
Hostess
4742 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 2016

I mostly supported my Fiance when he lost his job last year (he had some savings too thankfully), but at that point, we had been together for 7 years, so it was something I felt comfortable doing. In your situation, I would much rather accept the help from my parents. Like you, I pride myself on being independant and absolutely hate relying on others financially, but during a tough month when I was in grad school, I accepted financial help from my parents.  At the time, my FI (then SO) was also in grad school so it was my only option. I agree with PP that it is very kind of him to offer, but for me would be too early for that kind of help. Of course I hope that you find a new position quickly, but what if it takes months or years to find something? Resentment could definitely develop. When I was covering our bills, I would get really irritated when my Fiance would order food or go to Starbucks because those things to me are treats that we couldn’t afford. What if there are certain things that are essential to you (cable, highlights, etc.) but are not to him?

Post # 34
Member
4788 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

Are you comfortable with living with him if he’s not financially supporting you? Because if so, he could just pay his half of the rent, groceries, and utilities, which would reduce your bills (and lower the amount your parents would have to loan you if you decide to go that route). DH and I handled it that way when we first moved in together – split everything 50-50.

I know it’s really early in the relationship, though, so disregard this if you’re not comfortable living with him yet in general.

Post # 35
Member
961 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2016 - San Clemente Church, Italy

I may be a little old fashioned and I am respectful of other people’s opinions and choices, but I don’t think I would have a problem if it was someone I loved and trusted and he respected me. I think of relationships like I do friendships, I would help a friend out financially and I would also accept the help if I needed it. My fiancé really takes pride in fulfilling the provider role. I am a Trial Attorney who has practiced 20 years and I’m tired of fighting and arguing for a living, although I’m very good at it. I took a break and I’m loving the suburban housewife thing! But I’m 47 and I’ve always supported myself and made a good living, own properties etc.

I do see your point though, if you are in your 20’s or 30’s, it is imperative to learn independence and establish yourself in your career so that you never have to “depend on a man”. But you sound like an independent young women who just needs a little help during a rough time and I think it’s okay to accept that. It sounds like you already understand the lesson my granny taught me as a child that, “Baby girl, there is no Dollar like your OWN dollar”

Post # 36
Member
1739 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2016

This is a tricky one.  Most of the time I say no way — especially if I’ve seen any kind of red flags in a relationship.  I’m pretty fiercely independent.  At 45 (46 in a couple weeks – holy shit!)  I’ve never been married, I’ve owned two homes on my own, I raised my daughter pretty much on my own, I’ve traveled very extensively completely by myself, and I’ve taken nothing from my parents (other than “normal” Christmas and birthday presents) since I was 20.  

When I first met my Fiance, I lived in a one bedroom apartment in Charlotte, about 1.5 hours away from him.  I had lost my well-paying, full-time job, and my house, in the recession (NC was hit especially hard and the unemployment rate here was among the highest in the country), but by the time we met I was well on my way to rebuilding.  I had my own business (a small retail shop), and I had a decent amount of savings.   But my now Fiance / then boyfriend knew that I had a desire to return to grad school, and it just so happened that he lived 20 minutes away from the only state school in NC that offers a MA in my field.  After we had dated about 8 months, he suggested that I move in with him and follow my desire to return to school.  I was seriously hesitant, but I agreed, both because I saw a real future with him (I told him I would only move in if we were heading for marriage), and because my shop, while sufficient to support me, was never going to earn as much as I was previously making (my supplier has restrictions on my ability to expand), and retail is not what I want to do for the rest of my life.  Although my Fiance has not completely supported me — I have worked two part-time jobs including my shop (which I had to move to a new city and start over again in building a customer base) and my teaching assistantship, I pay my own car insurance and gas (fortunately I paid cash for my car years ago, and Hondas are reliable, even after 200,000+ miles!), and I buy a large percentage of the groceries and household necessities — the reality is that he pays for the vast majority of my existence, and I live a  MUCH better lifestyle than I would if did not live with him (we live on a lake in a resort area, he has a boat, we spend a lot of time relaxing on the dock, going nice places with friends, etc.).   Without him, I never could have gone back to school and lived anything but a very austere life in a studio or one bedroom apartment.   Therefore, if not for him, I probably would not have accomplished my dream of earning my masters (I just graduated in December).  

I am now actively job hunting, and I should (hopefully!) be able to find a full-time job relatively quickly (luckily the NC economy is strong again!).  I am also getting ready to have my going out of business sale for my shop — it has been an awesome 6 years of self-employment, and I am soooo grateful that I was able to build it during the recession when I had no other opportunities open to me,  but like I said above, it is not what I want to do forever.   I am also actively looking forward to contributing financially — my Fiance has been beyond generous and supportive, and had never held it against me, but it is definitely time for me to start “pulling my weight.”

So that is a very long way of saying that although I generally do not think anyone should be dependent upon anyone else, especially when they are not married, it can sometimes be okay, and it does sometimes work out.  From what you’ve said about your BF, he sounds like a good guy, and the arrangement (and relationship!) may work out for you two.  Just be careful and don’t ignore / overlook / rationalize any red flags before you make any big deicisions!  ETA:  and I do agree with the PP – be sure to have a back up plan!  I did, and actually still do, although I no longer think I need it.  

Post # 37
Member
3434 posts
Sugar bee

Maybe I am misreading things but it sounds like you are able to cover your bills with your current income and severance.  Do you really need him to pay the rent? It sounds like you’ve got it handled.  It is a really sweet offer, but since you haven’t been dating long, and you aren’t broke, I would pass.  But reasses if a few months down the line, your situation has changed.

Post # 38
Member
527 posts
Busy bee

Could you borrow the rent money from your parents until you are back on your feet?

Post # 39
Member
1311 posts
Bumble bee

Kind of surprised at the responses here. If he loves you and wants to help you, that’s great. Some men really enjoy taking care of their woman. It’s not like you demanded his help or something…

Only OP knows if he’s a “good guy.” If he is, he won’t hold this over your head or make you feel guilty. He would be helping you because he wants to. 

And I’m pretty sure if you break up, he cannot sue you for repayment because it would be considered a gift. 

Post # 40
Member
85 posts
Worker bee

How long have you been dating? If it’s a stable relationship that’s on the longer-term side, I would let him pay for you until you find a new job. Make a plan with him to let him support for about a month while you look, but do not do anything moochy! (Not that you would, by the sound of it). Just be extremely frugal with everything so that he won’t ever feel negatively about supporting you. It sounds like he won’t. If you go beyond a month without finding a new job, discuss with him what to do. Express that you would like to contribute something and that you don’t like being paid for. Maybe you can come to an agreement that you contribute a small amount per week, so at least you are in no way ever even close to being a mooch in anyone’s eyes, and you feel better about your own independence (as much as you can have at the moment).

If in the future he tries to hold it over your head, I would reconsider your relationship. I wouldn’t want to be with someone who uses help to hurt me later, because i would never be able to gauge whether he is genuine in his actions or not.

If the relationship is on the shorter side (like… three months),  I worry that you’re not out of the honeymoon stage. Things could get sour fast, especially when money is involved. Any other resources you can apply for in the mean time, regardless of if he is helping or not ? Unemployment? did you get a severance package? 

Post # 41
Member
352 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2016

View original reply
sunnierdaysahead2:  I honestly think it depends on the dynamics of your relationship.

If your BF were to pay your rent, would you renew the lease in your name or his? Both have their + and -. If you do it in your name, he can’t kick you out if the relationship goes south. Then again, you’d be on the hook for the rent. If he does it in his name, he can kick you out if the relationship goes south but you wouldn’t need to worry about coming up with rent if that happens.

My now Fiance (!!!) paid for nearly all of our living expenses (mortgage, utilities, etc.) for a few months when a business opportunity opened up to me that required an initial investment on my part. Before I comitted to that, we discussed it at length. Then, during those few months, I continued to pay for all of my own expenses (cell phone, student loans, car insurance, etc.) as well as some of our joint expenses (groceries, pet expenses, etc.). When the time period was up, we went back to our previous set up.

Now, with that said, Fiance does pay more of our expenses in general because he out earns me significantly. At first I wasn’t comfortable with this because I was raised by a single mom who taught us to ALWAYS be self-sufficiant. However, as time went on and our relationship grew, I became more comfortable with this dynamic while also acknowledging the things I contributed (e.g. he gets amazing insurance through me and it saves him about $1,500/month, I am the only one who cleans in our house, I do most of the dog care, etc.). 

However, with all of that said, I would NOT be comfortable with this dynamic with anyone else I’d dated in the past because they would have held it over my head and I would have felt guilty. I also think doing something like this early in a relationship can be iffy. But only you know the dynamics of your relationship and how that works.

 

Post # 42
Member
1228 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

You’ve posted about your relationships a lot, I think you should take this one slowly. New relationships are fun and exciting but it’s going to hurt so much worse if you break up and you’re living together and you owe him money. 

I don’t mean to be pessimistic, I’m talking about self-care and protecting your heart and giving yourself the space to not compromise on your emotional needs. I think your relationship will be better and stronger if you live together because you’re ready, not because of money and convenience.

Post # 43
Member
1411 posts
Bumble bee

So you have the money (you said you have savings- this is what they’re for!!!) but aren’t going to use it? And let your new boyfriend pick up the tab? Not a good idea. 

You want to be independent? Use your money. Backup could be parents. Not your boyfriend.

Post # 44
Member
3107 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2016 - Surfer\'s Beach, Grand Cayman

If you need the help to pay your rent and he doesn’t mind, sure. If you are able to pay it yourself then I would decline, and maybe just let him pick up dinner etc until you find a job. I would just try to avoid any kind of resentment or anything since it’s a new relationship. 

Post # 45
Member
1414 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

View original reply
sunnierdaysahead2:  No you don’t post too much about them! You sound as though you have good sense and are a good person — and when you posted a year ago about the ex cheating, you explained the incidents vividly as it unfolded which means all the Bees could follow it clearly and be on your side!!! (Unlike you, some of us post in a way that divulges personal info but isn’t very complete)

So many of us including myself have had a similar experience and we have all been rooting for you (noticed this on your last post too)

As for whether you should accept your SO’s offer, I would read all the answers given here (I only read last nights posts sorry) but then really do what you feel is good for you. In other words, I don’t know the answer here! 🙂

What I saw as a possible suggestion in another Bees post, about getting a cheaper place or roommates — just no. Like yourself I live in Chicago and love my apartment so I know it’s not easy to find the right place. And there are so many variables with rentals (bad landlords, expensive places with pest problems, awful roommates) that you shouldn’t give up your place because you are between career positions. I bet you will have landed a job in your field very soon ( and worse case scenario, let’s say your SO helped you and then you two broke it off, you could still pay the rent alone)

Your man sounds like a keeper btw 

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