(Closed) Lied about lap dance

posted 9 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
3363 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2009

Oh my gosh, you poor thing!   I too would be devastated!  Is couples counseling an option?  Lying just kills me.

Post # 5
Member
289 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2009

It does really suck!  When I saw the name of the post I thought it had something to do with a bachelor party but clearly this sounds like something he’s done "for fun" at least a few times and he has not been honest with you about it…

 So here are my thoughts.  Even once we get to be adults, peer pressure is a very real thing.  If the people that he is friends with go on a regular basis, they probably put a lot of pressure on him to go too.  While he is a grown man who can make his own decisions (like not go and definitely not pay for a lap dance) it can be hard to make the right choice when then people you spend a lot of time with consistently make the wrong ones.  I wonder if, when he would refer to his married friend as disgusting, he was really talking about himself.

 It doesn’t sound to me that the strip club is really the problem (although it is a huge issue), but the company that he keeps.  I think that counseling would definitely be good for you guys, and I hope that you can work things out!

Post # 6
Member
2324 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

I have a huge problem with lying. My issue wouldn’t so much be the strip club or the lap dance{why he would waste $50 on it, I have no clue!}, but lying about it AND condemning others for it kills me. I think you need to talk to him about it for sure and see what he did it and see why he lied about it.

Post # 7
Member
119 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

I too think I would be more concerned about his breach of honesty than his actually going to a strip club. He probably was too afraid to say anything since you have made it so clear how much you are against these things. 

I think you need to establish which is more important: being honest about your actions or not making mistakes.  Everyone is bound to make some mistakes, and maybe if he feels more compelled to tell you what he has done, he will think twice about doing it in the first place. 

Post # 8
Member
1573 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2009

well, the fact that he wants to marry you means he’s that serious enough to want you in his life; does the good outweigh the good; I agree he did two things, he lied and he touched another woman;

 

 

personally I don’t think I could live with that, unless let’s say you went together and you did for kicks, but even with that I would NOT want my man’s hands on another woman, for me that’s already cheating, I would feel very jealous and think why aren’t I enough;  I don’t know if I could live with that, if he did it once who’s to say he won’t do it again? but you have to do what you are most comfortable with; listen to your heart if it bothered you that much it will still haunt you in the future and you will always wonder, just my two cents, can you really trust him after that, I know I couldn’t but that’s just me, if someone broke my trust it’s not going to come back

 

but if the good outweighs the bad which it probably does then hope you can get past it

Post # 9
Member
2143 posts
Buzzing bee

I’m sorry ๐Ÿ™ My heart really does ache for you because I don’t even want to try to imagine myself in the same position. It’s just one of those things that would be earth shattering. I understand mistakes happen, yes, maybe he was peer pressued into going to the strip club but he PAID his OWN money to TOUCH another woman. That just breaks ALL boundries. I think I could handle the strip club, I wouldn’t like it, but I’d manage, but actually putting his hands on another woman would just tip me over the edge. I really don’t know what I’d do. On one hand, it was only one time (or so you were told), but one time is really too many times. You two really need to talk it over and only you can judge whether or not he’s being honest with you (which I know is hard). Couseling would be a good idea. I’m so sorry ๐Ÿ™ Good luck.

Post # 10
Member
903 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2009

I’m so sorry you’re going through this :-(. That would be heartbreaking for me, too, and possibly relationship-breaking. I know people make mistakes, but I agree that if this is something that he does on a regular basis, that’s going to be a problem in your marriage and something that probably needs to be dealt with BEFORE you marry him. It doesn’t necessarily mean you need to break off the engagement, but maybe postpone the wedding while you work through it? If he truly loves you and is committed to you, he’ll do what’s necessary to work through this.

Post # 11
Member
156 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: December 2009

๐Ÿ™   I hate reading these ones!

I think society has created an atmosphere where it is okay for men do these things and us women are just supposed to accept it.  I know men and women are supposedly different, but I don’t care what other people say.  I have made it SUPER clear to my Fiance that I think going to strip clubs is a BIG no-no for many reasons: If he is marrying me, he should not be paying to see or touch other naked/semi-naked women, I think it’s plain stupid, and I think its sad that society has created this atmosphere for these women who work there.  I think their very existance is completely disrespectful to all women.

I have told my fiance point blank that if I find out he goes to a strip club for his bachelor party I will not show up for the wedding.  And, I do mean it – whole-heartedly.  I have no desire to marry a man who engages in this behavior.  He gets mad when I have told him this and swears that he never would, but I still have to make it clear whenever the topic comes up.  I am sooooo madly in love with him, but if he hurts me this way, I will not stand for it.

I know my opinion sounds a little harsh, and I know everyone won’t agree with me; however, I think it’s really uncool that he knew you disliked the idea and he did it anyway.  AND, lied about it. To me, both of those things are just as bad.

Each relationship has different boundaries, so I would suggest going to counseling about the issue to find out whether or not this will continue to be an issue, or if it’s something you can forgive him for with the understanding that it will not happen again.

Best of luck and lots of hugs to you!

Post # 12
Member
156 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: December 2009

Oh, and P.S. – you are NOT an idiot!

You should be able to trust your fiance.  Do not blame yourself in any way for this.

Post # 13
Member
2640 posts
Sugar bee

Oh, I’m so sorry you have to deal with this.  It can be really hard to think clearly when your wedding is so close.   So, when you say he’s been lying for months, do you mean he’s done this a number of times, or once and hadn’t told you for months?  How do you know he had been lying for months?  He just fessed up while drunk? 

Personally,  I would be hurt by the lying, and the lap dances, and the touching, and the covering up, (and the waste of $50.)  I do think people can make mistakes.  However, what you need to figure out is if this is something he is likely to do/want to do/be pressured to do in the future.   Has he changed?  Is he really mature enough to become a responsible adult/husband?  I’m not one to say my guy has to give up his friends.  But I do expect him to be an adult, and able to turn down an invitation to engaging in behavior that is unacceptable.  "My friends made me do it" only works until you’re in 8th grade.

I hope you can sort this out.  Good luck.

Post # 14
Member
7052 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2010

First of all MANY MANY HIVE HUGS TO YOU..

Ok.  This was 6 mos. ago.  Did it happen as it sounds at the bachelor party of a friend? 

Again, the concern mainly to me would be the touching (they’re not supposed to touch at a strip club from what I’ve been told from my guy but that he said it does happen from time to time although he never did that back in college) and the lying about it.

I would find out these two things.

1)has he been unfaithful to you or another past girlfriend? 

2)has the lying been a habit or is this a one-time issue here?

The two questions above will imho give the info necessary for you to make a choice.

If he’s been unfaithful in the past AND fairly adept at lying (meaning repeated behaviors) I’d hope  you both get in front of a counselor asap to discuss what you need to do and if he’s good marriage material.  I think an isolated, one-time incident needs discussion and especially the touching. 

I wouldn’t be ok with the touching..He’d have some WORK to do..and I mean work.  ONLY one mulligan is allowed with me and touching almost is a deal breaker.  

Post # 15
Member
3363 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2009

gracez…I completely agree. 

nic33….Another thing that bothers me is that, since you are an almost married couple, it isn’t $50 of his money….it is both of yours.  I would not want my Fiance sending $50 of OUR money to touch a naked girl.  I am so sorry this is happening to you

Post # 16
Member
42 posts
Newbee

Wow-

I’m sorry to hear that this happened.  You definatly have the right to be angry right now, and I think moving away to get some perspective was a great idea.  What he did was wrong, expecially after you said that you didn’t want him to go to a strip club.  With that being said, we all make mistakes.  My boyfriend and I just recently had the same problem.  I was devistated and wouldn’t let him get near me.  I felt unwanted, and I felt like I wasn’t good enough, so he had to look elsewhere.  He tried everything to take it back, but it wasn’t only the act of looking at other women, it was that he was hiding it from me.  I couldn’t stop wondering what else he was hiding from me.  I came close to leaving, but after we had a LONG  (hours and hours) talk about everything, I felt better.  It has been a long time, and I am starting to trust him again, but the way he has handled everything has shown me that he is truly the person I am supposed to be with.  Your fiance made a huge mistake, and I am sure he is just sick about it.  Take time away from him and think about how much he means to you.  Also see how he is reacting.  If he is apologizing  and doing everything in his power to correct the problem, listen to what he has to say.  Relationships arn’t always easy, and the people in them do not always make the best decisions.  Let him know how much he hurt you, and let him make it up to you.  If you are both willing, this will make you stronger and grow closer together.  Another thing to remember is that if you choose to forgive him, you have every right not to trust him for a while, that being said, don’t throw it in his face every time you fight…….thats not healthy either.  (trust me)

Good Luck and keep us posted on what you decide!

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