Lied to my husband. Help!

posted 2 years ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
907 posts
Busy bee

Why is your husband so uncomfortable with Luke? Do you have other male friends?  I’m not sure if you need to confess the whole situation to your husband. It sounds like you’ve learned your lesson and I’m sure you feel terrible about it.

Post # 3
Member
3425 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2016

I don’t think you need to tell him. It’s not going to help anything except for your own conscience. And if you tell him, he’s going to have a really hard time trusting you in the future. The damage is done, so I think you should leave it instead of making it worse.

You say your husband isn’t controlling, but obviously he’s doing something on the spectrum of controlling, because you felt the need to do this. Why do you think you need to stop hanging out with Luke? Can your husband not handle you being gone for a few hours once a year with an old friend from college?

In the future, please just be honest with your husband that you’re going to see Luke. Just because your husband doesn’t like Luke doesn’t mean you can’t go hang out with him. It’s simple: “Hey babe, Luke is in town and we’re going to get coffee. I know you don’t like him, but he’s my friend and I want to catch up. I’ll be back in a couple of hours.”

In the future, don’t lie to your husband and don’t cut Luke out of your life. 

Post # 4
Member
1509 posts
Bumble bee

It doesn’t matter why your husband isn’t comfortable with Luke.  You’ve now proven that he has a solid reason to be uncomfortable with your friend – because you lied about seeing him.

Post # 5
Member
503 posts
Busy bee

If this was a guy asking this question about his wife, every bee on here would tell him he needs to tell his wife what happened and apologize for not being truthful. That’s the same advice I’m going to give you.

Post # 6
Member
1109 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

You say your husband is not controlling but you were planning to cancel seeing your friend because you knew he’d be unhappy and refuse to join you, and then you went anyway and lied about it. If your husband can’t give you a good reason for not trusting Luke then I think he does have an issue with being controlling. True, you shouldn’t have lied, but I think you should let Luke know you aren’t cutting off your friendship and the next time he’s in town, tell your husband you’re going to see him. You don’t have to tell him about this lie, but it would make me examine the relationship and try to figure out what’s going on. Either he trusts you or he doesn’t, and he can’t decide who you’re friends with.

Post # 7
Member
103 posts
Blushing bee

The problem is you have inadvertantly confirmed your husbands reservations because you felt the need to hide it. I think if he finds out it will place doubts in his mind in the future about other situations. The problem is, if you don’t tell him he may find out another way in the future and then the lie is much worse. 

I don’t know – I think if I were in your shoes I would tell him because the sooner I am truthful the less big the lie is. However, this is not something that my SO would not be able to get over. You sound genuinely remorseful and realize you made a bad move, is it possible he would be understanding? 

If this is grounds for divorce for him, I don’t know if its worth telling him. This mistake doens’t seem to be so severe that the life you’ve built should be ruined. But then you are still lying – Is that horrible? 

UGH I see your delimna. Good luck, Bee! Hoping you at least forgive yourself 🙂 

Post # 8
Member
2310 posts
Buzzing bee

cici28 :  I think that if the meet up was completely platonic and innocent like you’re saying, and nothing has ever happened between you and Luke, you should just keep it to yourself, move on, and never do it again. I don’t think this is worth ruining your marriage over.

 

Just *never* do it or anything like it again. 

 

ETA: that said, if my SO was uncomfortable with me being friends with someone, I’d strongly take his suggestions into consideration. Since you say your husband isn’t controlling, maybe he has a reason he doesn’t like Luke. Next time, I’d tell him “hey, I’m gonna go meet up with Luke. Please come with us, I’d like for you guys to get to know each other a little better” and see what explanation he gives you for not liking him.

Post # 9
Member
9940 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

I think you should come clean with your husband. 

Post # 10
Member
1596 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

cici28 :  oh boy. There’s a lot here. First of all, let’s take some of the pressure off of you. Deep breathes. Everyone is human and we all make mistakes. First off, besides lying, you did nothing wrong. And the immense pressure you feel from your husband, and he is putting unreasonable boundaries on you, of course it’s going to be hard to keep that promise. 

I understand how you feel about having few friends so trying to keep the few you have is hard! The problem here is that your husband has already set you up for failure by saying things like ‘I can never trust someone who lied to me again’ or ‘well be done if you lie to me’. 

That isn’t being honest. 

Honesty is more than just not lying. It’s about being able to truly trust the other person to do the right thing. If he’s insecure about your male friend who you have been solely platonic with since college, that is HIS problem. And for him to control you (whether or not it is just this one situation or not), isn’t cool on his part. 

How can you be honest with him when he has put so many constraints on you and made it so hard? I’m not saying that lying is OK. What I am saying is that communication and honesty needs to be more than a one way street. He needs to see your point of view and support and love you even if it means being friends with his not so favorite person..

Good luck to you. I hope your husband can see that the world isnt always black and white and see this for what it is and understand the root cause. 

I’m afraid by taking all this blame on yourself you’re not seeing the whole picture here. 

Post # 11
Member
2169 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: March 2017

Your husband is being controlling. Why would he say that you can’t see this friend alone and he won’t go with you? 

I have plenty of old male friends and my husband has never given me grief about it. He knows I talk to them. When one of them came into town, both husband and I went out to eat with him. 

I think you should be honest with your husband about what happened and tell him why you lied about it. I wonder why he is controlling about this and I also wonder why you felt a need to sneak out, lie, and see this friend? I think there are bigger issues here than you are willing to admit. 

Post # 12
Member
640 posts
Busy bee

I’m with the camp that you don’t need to tell him. In situations like these people feel guilty and want that guilty feeling to end, so they “confess.” This serves to make YOU feel better while making him feel awful. Telling him will alleviate your guilt while hurting him. I know that not everyone agrees about that, but I think it makes a lot of sense. If I was in your husband’s position I’d rather not know. Knowing would only make me feel like crap and not trust you. You said it was completely platonic and won’t happen again so I’d just let it go. And just am FYI this advice doesn’t change if you are a man. 

Post # 13
Member
1678 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

simplebee92 :  100% agree.  I don’t know why some bees give women a pass when they violate in the same way a man does.  I think OP needs to tell her husband the truth and maybe they can get counseling to save their marriage.  This is destructive behavior OP has engaged in and while I’m sure she’s remorseful, that doesn’t mean it can’t happen again.  So yeah, truth and then counseling bee.

Post # 14
Member
2802 posts
Sugar bee

What concerns me is how difficult it seems for you to communicate with your husband about this. Is there a reason why he has problems only with this specfic friend?

You should know whether a relationship is appropriate or not and be able to talk with your husband about that and what boundaries he is ok with. Him single handedly doling out rules sounds controlling to me, but you sneaking around makes it seem like he SHOULD take issue with this friendship..Particularly since you sound deeply afraid of your husband and his reaction. 

 

Post # 15
Member
2854 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2016

I think you are being really hard on yourself. Yes, you messed up. But learn from it and move on. I don’t see a need to tell your husband, it would only make things worse. 

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