Lied to my husband. Help!

posted 2 years ago in Relationships
Post # 16
Member
767 posts
Busy bee

I’d sit down and tell him, then tell him why you felt the need to cover it up. This should be an open conversation for you two to put your feelings about you having male friends on the table. 

Post # 17
Member
118 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

I’d tell him because otherwise, you’re just going to feel crazy guilty. 

Post # 18
Member
7595 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

I think you need to come clean. If this lie is big enough to destroy your marriage then you should go to couples counseling because there are deeper issues here. You fucked up, and as pp said, inadverdently confirmed your husband’s fears about Luke. But your husband also does sound a bit controlling given he didnt want you being friends with Luke in the first place. I think there’s fault on both sides, but you def just took it to a new level with this silly lie! Come clean and work on your marriage.

Post # 19
Member
10342 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

I feel like I need to go into more detail.

The lie is a symptom and you need to address the root of the problem. Unless you come clean about the lie you aren’t going to be able to work on the real problem which is the bigger picture to me.

I get a sense of fear of your husband which needs to be addressed. You were obviously scared to be honest so you did something behind his back, now again you’re scared to tell him for how he might react. That’s no way live, bee. You shouldn’t be scared to address messy issues with your spouse and that’s something I think you two really need to work on which is why I am advocating for coming clean. Without this fear you could have addressed this up front and avoided the whole situation.

The thing about lies is they rarely stop at one lie. It’s a snowball effect and can quickly get out of hand. What if your husband asks you when the last time you saw Luke was? You’ll have to lie again. And eventually, lies are found out. 

Post # 20
Member
1169 posts
Bumble bee

I won’t say that what you did was right or wrong because I don’t think it was right and I don’t think it was all that wrong either. What I will say is that Confession is a selfish act.  People confess things to make themselves feel better, not to “come clean” for the sake of the other person.  I’d leave things the way they are.  Feel guilt if you want but forgive yourself soon and use this as a learing experience as what not to do in the future.

Post # 21
Member
941 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2016

I’m on team tell-your-husband, especially because its better now than it somehow slipping out in the future–you run into the friend you claimed to be with that night while with your husband and he mentions it, Luke comes back to town and you both end up seeing him and he mentions it,  or you eventually feel so much guilt you end up telling him. In any scenario, its better to have told him as soon as possible.

Then, you need to get to the bottom of why you lied about this. Is the relationship truly platonic? What about it (besides the lie) causes you so much guilt? You say your husband trusts you but its really crazy that you feel the need to cut a friend out of your life. It certainly makes your husband sound really controlling. I hope it all works out ok.

Post # 22
Member
819 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2019 - Tacoma, WA

If this were me, I would probably come clean. Not so much because of guilt, but because I wouldn’t want my SO to find out another way later on and then have to explain why I not only lied, but also kept it a secret for so long.

But, honestly, there is no way for this to not look shady on your part, unfortunately. After all, you have no way to prove that your meetup was strictly platonic, and if he is already suspicious of the friendship, you’ve basically proven him right in his suspicion. You chose your friendship with this guy over your relationship with your husband. And really, the fact that you immediately told Luke you can’t be friends anymore and then blocked him makes things look even more suspicious (at least it would to me, if I were your hubby). I’m not saying those things are true, necessarily, but that’s probably where your hubby will take it.

If you do decide to come clean, I suggest making sure he knows that you know it was a mistake and that you value his trust and that’s why you’re coming clean now, and that you have discontinued the friendship completely. If I were in your husband’s shoes, I would at least respect the fact that you came clean and were honest with me and were willing to stop the friendship afterward.

Post # 23
Member
1000 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2017

I definitely think if you were posting about your husband doing this, you’d probably get called on for being jealous and controlling.

I obviously can’t say if your husband is controlling, but I definitely wouldn’t blame you for all of this. You are human, he is your friend, you wanted to catch up platonically. Your husband probably wouldn’t allow that and would take the matter to an extreme it didn’t need to go to. Obviously lying is not somewhere it needs to go either, but I think you were feeling pressured to do so.

I say what’s done is done, move on. Your “punishment” for lying to your husband is the guilt you feel. In no way is telling him going to make the situation better. He will just take it the wrong way and use it as ammo against you.

I think you need to figure out if you really want to exclude Luke as your friend at this point.

Post # 24
Member
1248 posts
Bumble bee

View original reply
summertime8 :  this.

you lied and thats wrong. you recognize the error, you feel bad about the lie, and you aren’t going to lie like this again. you don’t have anything else to feel bad about though because theres literally nothing for your husband to feel uncomfortable about regarding this guy. don’t make yourself feel better at your husband’s expense about something that (aside from the lie, which again, you know was bad) is literally nothing. in your husband’s place i wouldn’t want to know, bc the fact that you lied about going would make it hard to believe that nothing happened. 

can i ask why you didn’t feel able to tell your husband you’d like to go and reassure him it was going to be a public, platonic meeting between old friends?

you say don’t have many friends. i’d think your husband would try extra hard to get over himself with regards to his insecurity or spidey sense or whatever his deal is when it comes to Luke, for your benefit…unless this guy has given your husband reason to be wary?

Post # 26
Member
4175 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

View original reply
avprobeauty : How can you be honest with him when he has put so many constraints on you and made it so hard? 

That is completely ridiculous. What “constraints” did he place on her?

1) He said he didn’t like her friend and wasn’t comfortable. That is very different from forbidding them from seeing one another. She said he wasn’t happy about it, not that he told her it wasn’t allowed.

2) He said he doesn’t want to be lied to. That’s not a constraint. That’s telling someone there will be consequences to an action.She married him knowing how he felt about lying, so obviously she didn’t have some huge issue with him not wanting to be lied to. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to expect your spouse won’t lie to you.

It’s ironic that you say communication is more than a one-way street when she isn’t even giving him the opportunity to communicate about this if she doesn’t tell him.

OP isn’t a victim here and I think it’s gross that people are acting like she is. She chose to lie, she chose to be dishonest when she could have just as easily been honest. Yeah, it would have been harder, but it’s still the right thing to do.

I’m not saying you’re a horrible person OP, or that you deserve to lose your marriage, but the fact is you knew how he felt about lying and you did it anyway. Actions have consequences, and part of being an adult is accepting that.

Post # 27
Member
1479 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

View original reply
saratiara2 :  Interesting opinion. I didn’t think it was ‘ridiculous’, but certainly a little brash and I found it hard to read through all the anger and pent up rage. 

 

 

 

Post # 28
Member
373 posts
Helper bee

Sorry but I don’t believe that just because I am married, that my husband has a right to dictate who my friends are. He is my husband, not my parent.  If Luke or you hadn’t done anything prior to encourage his insecurity, dear husband would just have to deal but that’s just me.

Personally, I wouldnt say anything to your husband because no good would come from it at all (unless you had ill intentions with Luke). We have all told white lies – just dont let it happen again. I would then have a frank discussion with hubby saying hey, we need to discuss your insecurities here because I don’t understand your unfounded hangup with my friend and get to the bottom of it.

Post # 29
Member
7601 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

I am very much an honest at whatever cost type of person and don’t appreciate lies, likely similar to your husband. Being lied to is a breach of trust. That said, finding out LATER that I was lied to is even worse! I would much rather someone just tell me, get it over with, and then we can deal with it. 

As pps said, I don’t think the lie is your only problem, and it could serve to open up dialogue between you two. I also don’t think that one lie like this (considering your after actions) is enough to lose your marriage, even if your husband is more staunchly honest at all cost than I am. But I think he would rather you tell him than keep it a secret. 

Post # 30
Member
4175 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

I guess I just don’t see what this guy did that was so controlling. He said he wasn’t comfortable with their friendship. According to the OP he never said she wasn’t allowed to see him, or forbade it. He just…..said he didn’t like it. She also says this is the only person he’s has an issue with. So he’s not allowed to dislike one guy?

We encourage the women on these boards to be honest, and to tell their partners when things make them uncomfortable. We applaud them for being honest and setting up boundaries when, say they aren’t cool with bachelor parties at a strip club, or a female friendhsip that’s close to the line, and they tell their partners it makes them uncomfortable. But this guy isn’t allowed his feelings?

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