Post # 31
Uh your reaction seems extreme which makes me feel like your husband IS controling. Why should you be afraid to hang out with a friend? Why do you need permission? And he’s gonna divorce you BC you saw Luke? Your husband needs to get over it and you need to stop fearing him.
Post # 32
Woah. So, firstly, I think you need to tell your husband that you met up with Luke. I think it’s important that you apologize for lying, but also (in some carefully worded way that isn’t coming to me right now) I think you need to tell him why you lied – your platonic friendship with Luke has always been a pain point in your relationship and you didn’t want to feel guilty for hanging out with a good friend.
Your husband is obviously entitled to his opinion but without any examples here of why he might not like Luke I would have to say it’s wrong to influence you to stop being friends with him. ESPECIALLY when you say that you don’t have many close friends.
Something about this is just rubbing me the wrong way.
Post # 33
in the future, you say “husband, I am visiting with friend on this day, please feel free to join us. We would love to have you.”
he can join or not, but he should not determine who you socialize with or not.
Post # 34
You absolutely need to tell him. It also sounds like you blame other people for everything in this situation. You blame your husband for not wanting you to see the friend, you blame the friend for being a good friend by saying you felt you “owed” him to meet up. You need to take ownership of your actions and fess up, in my opinion.
Post # 35
First off, everyone’s advice has been so thoughtful and insightful. Thank you so much, I’m truly taking it all to heart.
I don’t know how to edit my own post, but since so many are asking, he has problems with this friend because my husband has always felt he holds some kind of torch for me, which I don’t see but I guess that’s how he feels. It doesn’t help that he has one of those very gregarious personalities that makes it seem like he’s flirting with everyone. One of those people that tries to get everyone to drink at gatherings (which ends up being me a lot, because I’m not a big drinker), which rubs my husband the wrong way. I admit it’s annoying, but I’ve known him since we were teens and I just know he’s a bit immature in that sense. We have discussed boudnaries which is that he’s fine when we hang out in a group with our mutual friends, just not one-on-one. I have another guy friend that my husband is fine with. i explained why I did it, and no I don’t think it is a good reason. I’m just letting you know the (admittedly stupid) thought process, and it’s too late to go back in time to discuss it with my husband first like I should have.
Also, I don’t “fear” my husband as others are suggesting. I just now this would completely betray his trust, and I’m very hard on myself because I have always had an extremely guilty conscience. More than anything, I fear losing him.
Post # 36
I might be in the minority here but I wouldn’t tell my husband… I also *would* cut off the friendship, or at least back away. As long as you never do it again, the one-time lie was a life lesson and you did nothing that would actually hurt your husband. However, I’m going to guess that he’s probably right about this guy having feelings for you. Men know other men (just as I can tell when another woman is flirting with my husband, even if he doesn’t realize it) so I wouldn’t want to continue a friendship with someone on that basis.
Post # 37
I’m sorry, if I found out my husband lied to me and went out with a woman I expressly voiced concerns over (or any person for that matter), I would be livid, and question his intentions. I don’t know what you should do, personally I might confess and try to explain why I felt the need to hide it and just how quilty I felt. The alternative of him finding out any other way would be too scary for me. At least this way I can salvage some sort of trust from the situation.
Post # 38
is anyone else concerned that OP thinks this lie would be the end of her marriage? If my SO said “hey, I met up with Jane instead of John last week. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you sooner, I avoided coming clean because you hate her.” I would roll my eyes and move on with my life. Not break up with him.
Post # 39
No. I think this is actually a pretty big deal. If it were a woman here saying that her husband told her that last week he lied about going out with a friend and saw a woman instead that she has stringently expressed she doesn’t like for him to be around, we would all be saying that he has more to hide with the story, doesn’t respect her, there is more going on, etc.
Post # 40
OP knows her husband’s deal breaker is honesty. She was dishonest with someone he takes clear issue with. Depending on how long they’ve been married and what else is going on in the relationship, this might be a a HUGE problem.
Post # 41
Would this really destroy your marriage?
Obviously, it’s not great and I would understand your husband being upset but ending the marriage? That seems like a really extreme reaction.
I know you said you don’t fear your husband, and you may not be physically afraid of him, but clearly you don’t feel you can be honest with him and that’s a big problem. This should be a relatively easy issue to work through, not a marriage ender.
I would advise you to tell your husband because I think this is just the tip of the iceberg. The lie was wrong, of course but there must be something else wrong that you felt you couldn’t be honest. And if something this small can destroy your marriage it isn’t very strong to begin with.
Post # 42
- Wedding: June 2019 - Tacoma, WA
“We have discussed boudnaries which is that he’s fine when we hang out in a group with our mutual friends, just not one-on-one.”
This right there would be the big issue for me. You discussed ways in which seeing Luke would be appropriate and within boundaries, but broke those boundaries anyway. This would be a huge deal to me if my SO did this (and wasn’t there just a post about this not long ago, with a dude doing essentially this same thing?).
I’m honestly not sure I would be able to move past this as the husband, but I would be more optimistic about it if my SO was up front with me and told me about it rather than me finding out some other way.
Post # 43
but you don’t fear losing him more than anything, or you wouldn’t have chosen to see someone you KNEW would create an issue or lie about it which you say you know would mean divorce if he knew.
There are a lot of issues here, but if he’s not controlling, then you have zero reason for doing something you knew you were going to lie about.
It’s not fair to do what we want and lie about it because we know it crosses someone’s boundaries. He should have the choice to stay married or not based on his boundaries. If we don’t agree with the boundaries we need to say so and have that discussion up front.
While I don’t think you should beat yourself up, I do think you’re not accepting full responsibility for this. This isn’t a “mistake” that needs to be forgiven — it was a deliberate choice. Just like a man lying about going to a strip club is a deliberate choice so he can do what he wants no matter how his partner feels.
As Slo said, getting to the bottom of that is the issue. You say he’s not controlling so there is no reason to have not told him, other than choosing to do what you wanted to do because you wanted to do it.
These choices have consequences. I know this sounds harsh, but you wanted help – and the best help you can get is looking inward to see why you chose this instead of honoring your partner’s feelings, and why you lied about it to him knowing it could well be a deal breaker to do so.
None of this makes you a bad person! It’s a growth opportunity. And growth can really suck sometimes.
Post # 44
You and your husband discussed this friend and agreed to boundaries. You violated those boundaries.
I can’t believe how many people are saying this is okay and just to continue to lie about it. If a woman had said “My husband and I spoke about Woman B and we both agreed that he would not spend time one on one with her but he went behind my back and did it anyway, lying about who he was with to me.” we would be having VERY different responses.
Post # 45
“He should have the choice to stay married or not based on his boundaries.”
You should definitely come clean with your husband. He was the wronged party, so to speak, and it should be up to him to decide what he wants to do. You agreed to your husband’s boundaries and deliberately broke that trust. It doesn’t matter if we think his boundaries were too strict or he was being unreasonable (I actually think the hanging out with mutual friends thing was a very reasonable compromise).