Lied to my husband. Help!

posted 2 years ago in Relationships
Post # 61
Member
10347 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

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PrincessPeach13 :  It’s not for us to decide how serious the infraction is, that’s for her husband to decide as it was his boundary that was crossed.

I see what you’re saying, I really do, to you and I it wouldn’t be a big deal. But we don’t get to be the people to make that call, that’s entirely up to OPs husband and it isn’t right for her to take that decision away from him just because a few strangers on the internet don’t think it was serious. 

Post # 62
Member
813 posts
Busy bee

I think you need to clear the air with your husband. You know why he’s uncomfortable with this person, you had discussed boundaries with him, but you still continued to cross boundaries you had set in your relationship and followed up by lying about it, which I think may fuel any concerns your husband already has about this person. If my husband did this with a female friend I told him I was uncomfortable with, I’d be ticked. Divorce worthy ticked? Not at all, but we would have to have a serious talk. 

Post # 63
Hostess
2481 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

I just want to add that if my husband is uncomfortable with my relationship with a male friend – he is my HUSBAND. I would always take that into consideration, my marriage comes before my friendships. 

If he said he didn’t want me to see him alone- I’d respect him. Maybe have a chat about it because I know if the situation were reversed and he had a female friend that made me uncomfortable and I didn’t want them alone together he’d respect me. 

Its a two way street- I do not think her husband is being controlling. If you don’t feel comfortable with someone around your Wife/husband that is how you feel. That cannot be invalidated. If you are trying to invalidate how OP’s husband feels and mark him as controlling you are invalidating how op’s husband feels and THAT is wrong. 

Op – be honest and talk about it, he may find out another way anyway. He values honesty and you made a mistake. You can fix it by being honest with him now. 

Post # 64
Member
84 posts
Worker bee

Cut Luke off…choose your husband.  Don’t put yourself in this position again.

Post # 65
Member
733 posts
Busy bee

granted you shoudn’t have lied, but I think you did the wrong thing by cutting off Luke. This won’t be the last time you’ll have to work out thigs with your husband, mistakes happen. I think you should talk to your husband, explain why you liked and you’re sorry. If he won’t work with you on this, I don’t really think he’s much of a husband. Afraid I feel bad for Luke.

Post # 66
Member
142 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2018

I have no idea why everyone is clinging on to her keeping a friendship with Luke. He is a college friend. Seasons change, friendships change and I see no reason why she should keep a man who makes her husband uncomfortable around. Why? Join a book club, find new friendships with people who will not ruin your relationship. It’s respect for your husband. He should be your best friend. The person you talk to and turn to. It’s healthy to have boundaries and protect your relationship. 

Before people hop that is because the friend is the opposite sex, I would also cut out a female friend who didn’t support my relationship and encouraged me to cross boundaries that could harm my relationship. 

Post # 67
Member
332 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2018

If I were your husband I would definitely feel upset and betrayed, but we would be able to work through it and come up with clearer boundaries after discussing both our reasoning and how strongly we felt. 

If I found out at a later date, particularly through someone else, no matter how innocent it was, then it becomes marriage threatening. The longer you leave it to tell the truth, the more horrible and deceitful a lie becomes. Please tell him OP, but I hope you can both work through it together, yes you screwed up, but if you come clean asap a strong marriage will be able to get past it.

Post # 68
Member
939 posts
Busy bee

Reading your description of “Luke,” I can’t help but think back to my college days of dating when I would keep people around to “feed my ego.”  Not intentionally, as in I was not self-aware of the issue that caused my actions.  But I had more than one guy friend I had zero interest in, who was flattering and fun to hang out with who just made me feel good. Since there was zero attraction there, there was never any risk of anything happening. But it felt good to spend that time together with someone non-threatening, flattering, fun, lighthearted and completely stress free. It was never more than a friendship. But it was definitely use. It was like an ego boost?  It is a hard concept to explain.

When I read your actions and description of your friend, I just couldn’t help but think that maybe you enjoyed the relaxing, goofy, ego-boosting company of Luke the way I used to enjoy those friends in my past.  I believe that you 100% had no intention of cheating, nor did you, but I suspect your husband’s radar is on the money with how the guy feels about you. I can’t think of any other authentic reason that you would make plans with him, then be motivated to lie to your husband to see him, then go to the extreme of blocking your contact and ending your friendship with Luke other than deep down, you sort of know that you were doing something similar.  If that’s even a possibility, you need to make yourself aware of your internal drive so that you can protect yourself and husband from future mishaps.

I side with the women who have explained why this was a boundary-breaking issue that had been discussed, fuels a fear, and that the right thing to do is to tell him.  

You really need to ask yourself what would happen if instead of hearing it from you – and soon – he heard it from someone who happened to see you two there, saw a text from Luke, or asked you why you and Luke were no longer friends (and then you are forced to lie again, or tell him a truth that is old and far overdue at that point).  You didn’t cross a sexual line with this guy, you aren’t a cheater, so don’t hide your actions from your spouse the way a cheater would.

Post # 69
Member
817 posts
Busy bee

Are you sure you don’t have feelings for Luke?  Now that I know he’s flirty and holds a torch for you, is it possible that you enjoyed the thrill of being around a man other than your husband who would fawn over you and give you an ego boost?  What kind of texts and emails did you have with Luke leading up to the meet up? Were they flirty texts?  Sounds to me like you might deep down enjoy getting attention from Luke and that’s why you feel so guilty now. It also may why you said yes and went behind your husband’s back. You could have invited your husband along, but you knew he would say no, and then you’d miss your chance to hang out with Luke altogether, and for some reason you felt like you “owed” Luke…maybe because you guys were being flirty over text. So instead you decided to just betray your husband. Maybe deep down you feel like there was something in your demeanor to Luke that crossed some boundaries, and that’s why you blocked Luke and feel so guilty. have no idea. If I was your husband I would be super pissed. If my fiancée did something like this to me I’d be super pissed. Sounds like you’re doing some soul searching which you should be doing right now. I don’t think you should be friends with Luke anymore. 

Post # 70
Member
748 posts
Busy bee

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notmeeither :  I think you are spot on regarding the nature of her relationship with Luke. I too had guy friends like that in college, that clearly held a candle for me, would volunteer to pick me up at the airport or take me to their fraternity events, but I was never interested one bit. They were fun and safe and always there, but it maybe wasn’t the most fair thing to them and could have been construed as leading them on. When I eventually got a boyfriend in college, despite being friends with one of these guys, it made that boyfriend uncomfortable, and I get it.

OP: Honestly, I feel badly for Luke in this sitatuion, as well as you husband. It sounds like Luke has been nothing but a good friend and he hasn’t done anything wrong, but your way (and mine) of approaching the situation has put him in a spot where he’s going to lose a friend. Obviously your husband is your first priority, but it’s still a shame that he has to lose a good friend because you kept him around as an ego boost.

Post # 71
Member
1579 posts
Bumble bee

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PrincessPeach13 :  Would you feel the same way if she were talking about something her husband did?  Or if it were a man who was concerned about having lied to his wife about something so swmall and innocent, as you put it?

Post # 72
Member
152 posts
Blushing bee

I’m surprised more people don’t feel badly for Luke. Maybe I’m just reading this through my own lens. One of my best friends is male, and I met him in college. We have been best friends ever since. I have never once gotten the impression he has any sort of feelings for me. If my Fiance thought differently and continuously expressed discomfort over our friendship, I’d feel controlled and have a big problem with it. Just because OP’s husband perceives that this friend has feelings for OP doesn’t make it true. He could just be insecure because OP enjoys this friend’s company, or because this friend has a very outgoing personality that attracts people. We don’t really know. OP, I do think you screwed up by lying to your husband and violating a boundary you both agreed on, and I do think you should come clean about it. But I also find your husband’s attitude toward this guy — who sounds like he’s been a really good friend to you — a little troubling. Yes husband has a right to his feelings, but you shouldn’t feel so guilty about having lunch with a good friend that you need to lie about it. Husband played a role in this as well. I feel bad for Luke, losing a good friend just because your husband is insecure. 

Post # 73
Member
1169 posts
Bumble bee

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bywater :  I would.  If a man was on here talking about having had dinner with a friend of his and it was 100% platonic and it was friend that his wife has known has always been his friend, the same rules would apply.  It doesn’t matter if we switch all the gender pronouns. It’s still the same thing. 

If it truly was innocent, then leave it be.  The person feels bad enough as it is to learn from the mistake and not do it again.  As a disclaimer, this is just my opinion.  It is totally okay for people to disagree with me.

Post # 74
Member
1169 posts
Bumble bee

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slomotion :  I guess that’s a good point. IF this is a horrible, horrible thing in their marriage then it’s different.  I supposed I’m projecting my own values onto a situation that’s not mine.  I personally don’t think this a massive issue.

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