(Closed) Lied to..I should probably call the wedding off?..

posted 8 years ago in Emotional
Post # 77
Member
11376 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2015

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@Sweetjennygirl:  but he isn’t lying about all of those things. He lied about one thing, that most men have a hard time with.

sure, if there is a perfect man out the, let me know. The good ones I have known are still human. No one suggested that it was okay that he lied, but rather that it is workable. I and many others stressed that she needs to make sure he understands that they are team and he can come to her with problems. 

 you see this as an indication that he’s a liar, whereas I do not based on what she wrote. He hasn’t lied about other things. He lied about this one thing, which his entire sense of manhood is tied to, if he’s like most men who think they are always supposed to be able to provide. men often fall apart when they lose a job. Given the options, I was impressed that he was out there looking for work. Ifi were with him, it would have broken my heart that he was doing that without my support. His intentions matter. 

i get where you are coming from, but with such absolutes, there wouldn’t be any marriages. Because no one goes into it knowing all that they will learn. He has to learn how to be with a partner even when he’s torn to shreds. I don’t see any red flags that he is not capable of doing that.  

If he proves incapable of discussing hard things, that’s another story. But one time in a moment of crisis does not render him unworkable. 

 

Post # 78
Member
964 posts
Busy bee

What happened with his job? Depending on the reason, it could be a significant factor in any decisions you make moving forward.

Post # 79
Member
4 posts
Wannabee
  • Wedding: January 2004

@Miss Corgi:  no he was scared and it happens often but it is something if u just talk about u can get through let him keep his bride because they feel worthless with income or job being the bread winner

Post # 80
Member
361 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

Most men feel the need to provide for their women, even if we are prefectly capable of taking care of ourselves. Its like its hardwired into their genetic makeup. My advice is have an open and honest talk with him. Be honest you looked at his emails and be honest with how you feel about him hiding his job loss. With open communication, I am sure you both can work things out 🙂 Best of luck.

Post # 81
Member
2944 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

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@FauxBoho:  *snort laughing*

OP, if you’re considering leaving a loving relationship over one emotional mistake like this, is that really any better than what he did? Yeah he lied. It’s a big damn deal, and I understand that. However, isn’t it worth talking to him about it and seeing what the root cause of the behavior was? Go ahead and postpone because stuff like this takes time, sure. 

Post # 82
Member
3695 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

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@Nona99:  This is 100% what I was going to say.

Stick with your man.  He’s hurt, embarassed, and ashamed.  Leave your parents out of it.  Work it out between yourselves like adults.  Shit happens and you need to learn to deal with it.  He needs to man up and tell his (future) wife that he lost his job, you need to woman up and not go running to your parents after snooping through his email. 

Post # 83
Member
5867 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2013

What you have to ask yourself is: did this deception come from a place of shame, or is it because he’s a pathological liar?  

If it came from shame, I think you need to do some work to build the trust in your relationship so that he knows that it’s safe to be veulnerable with you.  If this is the case, don’t call off the wedding, obviously.

If it came from him being pathalogical, dump him.  

Post # 84
Member
600 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

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@badabing88:  I agree he shouldn’t have lied but no one is perfect and the whole point of a marriage is to stand by each other for better or worse – could you walk away from him when he’s already down?

Post # 85
Member
122 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

@sweetjennygirl

Oh please. 

I’m sorry, I take lying of any kind very seriously, but to call off a wedding because of a lie? That’s like calling off a marriage because of an argument imo.

As much as everyone values honesty, there’s not a person alive who hasn’t lied when the situation suited them. 

So he lied to his Fiance, the one person he’s supposed to be honest with, I get it, it’s a huge transgression. But it isn’t the end of the world. Unless he’s a pathological or habitual liar this is not grounds to end an engagement unless she really does care about his finances but the OP says she’s more concerned with the lie.

Post # 87
Member
964 posts
Busy bee

Okay. I wondered. Everyone was all ‘he got laid off and you aren’t being supportive boo hiss’ when you actually didn’t say he was ‘laid off’.

sigh. I feel for you here. I do think you need to postpone at the very least and here is why. He had 3 shots at keeping his job. He knew he was walking a thin line yet didn’t change his work behavior accordingly. Despite all the expense of your upcoming wedding and so on. Not cool.

Marriage is supposed to be about trusting your partner to have your well-being at heart. To sometimes make sacrifices for the greater good of the relationship itself. Your marriage is, in a way, like a child. Yeah, you might hate your job and dislike having to drag your butt out of bed at 5:30 am everyday but hey, baby needs a roof over its head and food in its mouth. Baby being your marriage.

It is somewhat disturbing that he not only had 3 chances to pull himself together, but that he pissed all 3 of them away and then set out deliberately hiding the consequences of his behavior from you. I mean, did you have conversations about what he did ‘at work’ that day?? Because that double-life level of deceit is highly disturbing to me and I do think you should sit back and take notice. Because he does not sound mature enough for the sacrifices that marriage requires. Not right now, anyway.

It’s also bothersome that he orchestrated you finding out without him having to deal with telling you himself.  It’s rather cowardly. What if you hadn’t looked in his e-mails? I wonder how long he would’ve continued his work charade? All this should give you pause for thought.

Look at it this way. A couple years from now, when you’re 9 months pregnant on maternity leave, do you want to find out that he completely blew off all thought of the consequences of trashing his job, then hid it from you for several weeks, spending money as though he still has a paycheque coming in?

I don’t think coddling him as though he has a bruised ego and needs mommy to kiss his boo boo all better is the right way to go here. He fucked up. Big time. And repeatedly apparently. If I were you, I would have some serious misgivings about what I’m getting myself into by marrying a guy who would do this.

Post # 88
Member
964 posts
Busy bee

Also, ‘he stretches the truth a good bit’ is indicative of someone who has serious issues. Fabricating a life and persona, rather than dealing with what is will get you absolutely no where in life. If he is not capable of dealing with who he really is and building his life and relationships based on fact and reality – as opposed to wishful thinking – there is no way in hell you will be able to have a functional, healthy, long-term relationship / marriage / family with this guy. No way.

Post # 89
Member
192 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: April 2013 - ceremony at a gazebo outside, reception at neighboring restaurant on a lake

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@RunnerBride13:  I agree with this!

Post # 90
Member
997 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

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@Nona99:  +10000

 

Post # 91
Member
1181 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

@Miss Corgi:  I went through a similar thing with my fiance (only it was about going to college). He pretended to go for almost 6 months!!! I dont know how I was fooled by it—I am quite sharp! lol

At the time I told him we needed a break (which maybe lasted 3 days)… I didnt think I would be able to forgive him- as trusting people is very hard for me- but eventually I did. 

Its been 4 years since then and I honestly can say I am SOOOO glad I stuck it out and gave him another chance. Men have this weird pride thing- Your future hubs was 100% wrong by lying- but just imagine how he felt with the wedding coming up. He was probably paniced. A lot of times when people loose ther jobs they greive and go into denial… 

<3 I feel for you and hope that you find a solution soon. Maybe take a weekend away and see how you feel when you come back.

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