Post # 107
@Miss Corgi: I think he was hiding this because he was ashamed and didn’t want to to look or feel like less of a man to you 🙁 In a man’s eyes, it’s their job to work and take care of their family. With your wedding coming up, he probably didn’t want to stress you out either. I think actions speak louder than words, and maybe it’s just me but it’s kind of cute that he went as far as dressing the part and coming over late just so at the end of the day YOU aren’t worried about him being jobless while he’s really out trying to get a job the whole day. Don’t call off your wedding. I understand you would have appreciated knowing about this, but I’m sure his intentions were good. Let him know that you’re ready to stand behind him and help him through this, and that as his partner/future wife, you are in this together and you would appreciate that he didn’t keep things like this a secret.
Post # 108
I just meant in the sense to “protect” her from worrying. I did not say it was right or I agreed with it, I was only offering an opinion as to why he might have done it. She said herself that he didn’t want her to worry. He probably had good intentions, and hopes to land a job asap. People do crazy things under stress. I was not trying to dismiss his actions. I wrote a quick snippet to one comment. 🙂
Post # 109
Perhaps my example was a little overboard. My point was you need to be on your husband’s side. What he needs to hear when he comes home from work after getting canned is not “Told you so you big f*ck-up!” It’s “Ok, we’ll figure it out together.” Yeah.. if he’s sitting around blowing off work and gets canned, we will DEAL with that. But I will support his efforts to get another job and whatever I need to do. Our home is a safe place. There is a big difference between “you need to go to work every day” and “god you are such a failure you can’t even go to work why did I marry you?!”
Then again, I’m talking out of my ass, since my husband just… goes to work and does his job, like I do. So…
Post # 110
First of all, I disagree with your special snowflake approach as well. Second, he didn’t even give her the opportunity to tell him he’s a special snowflake. He disregarded and disrespected her right to participate in this relationship as a full partner.
OP, your fiancé is not a child. He has no excuse for lying about something MAJOR because he’s too embarrassed to tell the truth. I would be seriously questioning what kind of marriage you can have with this person.
Also, I find it creepy that he’s capable of living a double life. That’s seriously weird.
Post # 111
I’m so glad I’m not married to any of you. Even my ex-boyfriend, who was the world’s biggest asshole, offered to come punch my boss in the face when I got fired. That’s what I needed. Not “we’re done here you’re worthless now.” Sure, later, he told me what he felt about why I got let go (he was wrong.. but whatever).
There is a difference between treating anyone like a special snowflake and being a decent human and encouraging your spouse. The world is tough enough.
But… OP, good luck.
Post # 112
and my point was, there is a massive
difference between being on your partner’s side and facing things together vs. aiding and abetting their destructive self-delusion. I don’t know what other people’s ‘holding each other acountable’ entails but for us, it certainly doesn’t include shaming, humiliation or derisive nasty put-downs. More along the lines of ‘You know I love you babe, no matter what. That will never change. Talk to me. What was going on with you that you got pulled so far off track?
‘ followed by ‘How do you want to handle this now and what can I do to help?’
Mind you, my partner and I are pretty matter-of-fact about our fuck-ups because we’re realists who know that shit happens and it’s most likely not the end of the world in the grand scheme of things.
Post # 113
That I am totally with you on, my husband just needs a little smoke blown up his ass when he’s upset. Just everyone here says “he got fired… run away!” Not a dealbreaker for me.
Post # 114
@almostmrsj: Just everyone here says “he got fired… run away!
I think we’re interpreting things differently because I’m seeing the responses as saying …. This is a red flag and you need to proceed with caution until you can decipher what is going on with him.
Post # 115
I think he was trying to do the right thing by you by telling you this way.. Imagine how stressed he must be with a wedding coming up and losing his job! I would be freaking!
Post # 116
Not really. Up until OP’s update #85 the majority of responses (with the exception of two posters) were telling OP that losing a job and lying about it wasn’t a reason to bolt. Which I think most of will agree with.
OP’s additional information presented in post #85 pretty much marks the pendulum swing because there’s a lot more information in that from he lost his job and lied about it.
And even then, I only see a small number of responses that say to end it. Most are saying possibly push the wedding back because this is new information about the person she’s marrying.
Post # 118
If he did this after you married would you divorce him? If not then why would you break it off now? The things I would have broken an engagement off over are the same things and the only things i would divorce over.