(Closed) Life after a baby… all I hear is negativity and I'm freaking out!

posted 7 years ago in Babies
Post # 3
519 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

Commenting to follow. We’re expecting this October and I’ve heard the same!

Post # 4
1646 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2015

@catnip:  It depends on your attitude towards parenthood. Someone who always takes a negative view is obviously going to make it seem like it is the worst thing ever.

Of course being a parent changes things. You have a teeny tiny little person who is completely dependent on you to survive. I think most people are terrified at the thought of having so much responsibility handed to them all at once.

As for whether or not you can have fun, it really depends on your definition of the term. Are you going to be able to go to the bar every single weekend? No. Will you be able to go out to eat and socialize in general? Yes. It may take a bit more planning (and back-up plans if baby decides your plan is not valid), but it is still possible.

My advice:

1. Each of you come up with a list of things you each want to accomplish in your lives.

2. Split these lists into two combined lists; one with things listed that you can do anytime (like eating at a fancy local restaurant or visiting a nearby city) and the second listing things that may be tougher when you have a very young child (such as traveling through Europe for a few weeks).

3. Set the first list to the side and focus on the second list. Star or highlight the things you really don’t want to wait on. Then see what you can do to accomplish those before you guys get pregnant.

Doing this could help to stem some of those negative thoughts from popping up and could lead to some awesome stories that you can share with your kids one day.

Post # 5
2492 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

Our DD was born about 3 1/2 years into our relationship when DH and I were only 22 and 24. She was definitely a surprise and of course there were things we had planned on doing before having children (living together and getting engaged/married were the big ones!), but life doesn’t always go as planned. Have we travelled anywhere together in the 13 years we’ve been together? No. Did that really matter to us? Not really. Our DD trumps anything. Things have been pushed to the back-burner, I won’t lie, but we’re flying to London, England next Friday for a 10-day trip and we’re taking DD along with us. She’s almost 10 now, and she’s so, so excited to be sharing this adventure with us. It’s been fun to sit down with her to discuss where she wants to go and what she wants to see, and I feel honoured and blessed that we get to share this with her.

Post # 6
7402 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

@catnip:  Honestly, I think it’s crap – don’t listen to them. Yes, I don’t have kids yet – but I’m also the only person in my social circle that doesn’t. All of my friends (minus like 2) have kids. Every single one of them continues to live their life. Yes, their kids certainly hinder some of the things they do because their kids come first, but they certainly don’t “miss out on life” because they have kids. My girlfriends still travel, twice a year (minimum) for a week each time, without their kids…..and several overnights throughout the year.

Honestly, I think it’s all about comfort level and recognizing that being a parent doesn’t mean you cease to exist as a person. What I’m about to say might piss some people off – but this is how I feel. These days there seems to be some sort of superiority complex about who is the better parent because they rearrange their whole life for their child.

All you hear about these days are people who refuse to leave their kids with a babysitter. I have one friend in partiuclar (outside of my normal circle) who can’t fathom how my other friends leave their child(ren) each year and take a week long girls trip. Or how they use babysitters instead of family. Likewise, hearing people constantly talk about how if their kid isn’t invited they don’t go, or they’d NEVER leave their kid with someone who wasn’t family. Seriously? I know for me if I depended solely on family to watch my future kids, I’d never get out. Same goes for most of my friends. I’m not saying leave your kids with a bum on the street, but not every single person is out to get your children. 

Most of my friends with kids still travel with their kids. My DH has a job that requires him to be travelling at least 8-9 months out of the year, and much of that is international travel. I often fly to where he is. Once we have kids, that’s won’t change. Will it take more planning? Certainly, but it isn’t going to stop me. Many of my girlfriends have husbands in the same profession, they all travel just as much with their kids as they did before them. It can be done!!!! The best advice one of my mom friends gave me is “don’t let other people’s fear stop you”. 

Post # 7
2529 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

It’s not the end of the world, it’s just the end of a particular lifestyle. It’s sort of to be expected!
You have kids: DUH you can’t do everything you did before! Come on, Negative People get with the program!

But you can still make tons of time to do things with the kid, or even by yourself!

They catch up eventually, and if you’re REALLY lucky they like museums, road trips, and camping (or whatever) as much as you do. 🙂

We don’t have kids yet, but we totally know that our lives right now won’t be quite the same once we have them – we’re totally cool with that! We’ll find new ways to have adventures – that’s tons of fun in itself!

Post # 8
732 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

My husband and I had kids young, so no i didnt get to do everything i had innitially planned on before settling down, but i dont care. My kids are now 3 and 2 and we have another little one on the way, our family is almost complete, and we couldnt be more happy! Sure I kinda wish we had moree time for “us” but we can still have nice outtings with the kids, like for my birthday we went to the aquarium and had a blast! People think they cant have fun with kids, but they can! They just cant do the things they could do before they had kids. Its sad when people can’t move on to the next chapter of life. Theres more to life than traveling, partying and staying up late. 

Post # 9
246 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

I dunno, I have to say I’m reallllllllly loving being a mom so far. DD is almost nine months old and I’ve had more joy in those nine months than in my whole life up to then. I actually look forward to getting up in the morning because of her. 

Post # 10
8035 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2013

I worry about this too… but I try to be logical about it. If having kids was so bad, people would not have them. People would definitely not have more than one, right?

I think after the baby phase, things get a bit easier. It goes by so quickly. I know it’s not the same thing… but like with pets, the baby phase goes so fast. At the time you don’t realize it, but before you know it, they’re not a kitten/puppy anymore!

Post # 11
1784 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

@catnip:  Full disclaimer: I’m not a parent. But just to be on the flip side of things my Future Brother-In-Law AND Future Sister-In-Law love their kids but are noticeably unhappy about their lives in general now. It really, really depends on the person.

Post # 12
11735 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

I’ll let you know in a couple weeks how it really is, but I kind of think the people who say you can’t have fun after kids is a bunch of crap. They just aren’t making it a priority.  Yes, life changes in a big way and it’s not as easy and convenient, but that doesn’t mean you can’t still go out and enjoy doing things. 

I always assme those people are the ones who refuse to leave their kid with a babysitter.  We aren’t going to be those type of people. Luckily we’ve got plenty of family around to help us out so we are fully looking forward to continuing to have fun as a couple, as well as with our kids.

Post # 13
1022 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

@catnip:  It’s true that travelling and going out are more difficult, but that doesn’t mean it can’t happen. DH and I still go out to eat/meet friends for trivia once or twice a week (with our 5 month old DD), and my parents keep her for a night here or there so we can go out and be crazy kids. My parents will also watch her when she’s 8 months old for 5 days while we take a vacation out of town. Yes, it’s a lot harder to do these things (babies require a LOT of stuff, so even a trip to target is more difficult than it used to be, and you need to plan pretty far in advance for overnight trips), but with help, they can still be done.

The first 2-ish months were HARD. It was stressful/diffucult to do anything other than sit on my couch. That phase passes pretty quickly, though.

ETA: I had PPD/PPA, so my experiences in the first few months may have been a bit rougher than others.


Post # 15
2240 posts
Buzzing bee

@catnip:  Well, that depends on what you want to do. There are things you shouldn’t do because they negatively affect parenting and shouldn’t be around children, like getting drunk, doing drugs, bringing questionable people into the home and around the children, etc. 

Other than those things, you can do lots of things that you did before, and depending on how you organize time and prepare yourself and the child(ren), these things can be even more meaningful, fun, or relaxing.

Travel, for instance, is something that a lot of people stop doing because they think they can’t do it. That’s really not true. Traveling in one’s own state, interstate or internationally can all be done as long you know what you’re doing, prepare, pay attention to the needs of the children, and are a good traveler yourself. Even traveling on a whim is doable with children, and very fun.

You don’t have to stop being yourself, either. Keep doing the things you like, as long as they don’t negatively affect your parenting or the children, and keep learning new things. Being a parent doesn’t mean you throw away your personality and likes and dislikes. You just refine, prune, and reevaluate yourself. 

It’s usually not the children that make life difficult. Usually the parents aren’t that knowledgeable about children and parenting, and this causes them to make things harder for the children and themselves than they have to be. Basically, they cause their own problems. 

There are many ways to live and many ways to raise children well. Choose a lifestyle that is good for the children and you, and you’ll find that your life is more fulfilling than it was before, and that you’re doing more life-enriching activities than you ever thought you would or could. 

One of the things you can do to get the ball rolling on choosing a lifestyle that will work for you and your future child(ren) is to learn about child development. 

Post # 16
8021 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

Things obviously do change.  It doesn’t mean you can’t travel- but it takes a lot more planning, and once your child is in school you have to work around that.  You can’t just pull them out because you got a great deal on a last minute flight.  I mean, I suppose you could- but unless your child is exceptional they will get behind and the school will get annoyed.  We do go on trips with our 2 kids, but they are not as adventurous or last minute as they were before I had them.  And you should not give up being an individual- you still need to do things for yourself.  I registered for a hobby class this morning that I am starting next month.  Is it climbing Mt. Everest?- no, but I am getting out and doing something I am interested without my kids and DH.

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