(Closed) Life after the Wedding

posted 6 years ago in Married Life
Post # 2
Member
713 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2016

The number one thing I wish people knew and understood about life-long relationships is that they aren’t always going to be Unicorns and Butterflies.

People get so disillusioned at the idea of finding the perfect person that they get disappointed when life happens and things get shitty. They think it’s not the perfect person and want to leave because they think the real perfect person is out there waiting on them.

That being said… I’m not talking about living miserably but, just because he doesn’t send you flowers every third Wednesday of the month like he did 5 years ago when you met, doesn’t mean it’s not a good relationship lol

Post # 3
Member
737 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

I agree with onceuponadream. Not every day is wonderful and perfect but at the end of that not so perfect day, you get to go to sleep next to the person that you love. There’s a feeling of security that goes along with that.

Post # 4
Member
1065 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

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onceuponadream:  I agree and even though people told me that prior, I think it was still an adjustment. We still go to work, come home, make dinner, do laundry and dishes. It’s not a fairytale that you get, you get a life with this person. The mundane, the boring, the stressful times outnumber the date nights. Keeping the excitment and romance is work. Not that it’s hard, but it requires effort from both of you.

Post # 5
Member
1149 posts
Bumble bee

I’m sure posters will disagree with me, but here goes. I honestly don’t think being married feels any different than being in a LTR. If you marry the right person, marriage shouldn’t be hard. Yes, you go through hard things during marriage, but I don’t think marriage itself is hard.

I read an article that explained how the most satisfied married couples do little things for each other, such as taking out the garbage without being asked, making his favorite dinner, leaving love notes in his lunch, etc. So that’s something me and DH always try to do. 

Also, marry someone who doesn’t expect the wife to do all the housework. Marry a man who willingly does chores and is mature enough to take care of his own shit. 

Post # 6
Member
713 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2016

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TXbride2015:  “You get a life with this person.” I love that- marriage promises a life with that person, not a perfect life with a perfect person!

And yeah, I never realized how much effort you actually have to put into it until after he started a new work schedule and it has been really hard but we are adjusting slowly!

Post # 7
Member
713 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2016

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mrshmc1204:  I agree! We have lived together for 3.5 years, own a home together, share finances, have been through hardships, care for a dog together and will be getting married 12/10/16. Everyone also tells us the cliche “Wait til you’re married” or “Marriage is hard.” I ask, how is it different from now and they don’t have any answer lol

I think when people say that, they are talking about marriage being hard when you have never lived together, etc.

Post # 8
Member
187 posts
Blushing bee

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mrshmc1204:  I totally agree with this. Everyone told me that the first year of marriage is so hard, being married is difficult, things change after you get married… none of that was true for me.  We’re going on three years and it feels basically exactly the same as it did the day before we were married.  We’re a more concrete “team” but I don’t think our relationship changed at all because of marriage.  I often hear the above about marriage being hard from people who expected their spouse to be different after they got married, which I did not.  Sure, we argue about stuff sometimes, but it’s the same as it was before the wedding.

 

I think going into the relationship with eyes wide open and NOT expecting things to change is the best way to go.

Post # 9
Member
1161 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

I’m not going to do a list because I’d probably be here all day, but the TOP thing I didn’t expect post-marriage was how routine and mundane everything would start to feel. Some of this has to do with the fact that we moved in together around the same time that we got married, so we’re still adjusting, but you have to really put in effort to spend quality time together. It is so easy to get into the hanging-around-the-house-together mindset but end up not really being “together” if that makes any sense. I’ve found that my DH and I could spend our entire weekend absorbed in our computers 5 feet away from each other and not have a truly meaningful conversation all weekend. You have to really stop and take time to do things together.

Post # 10
Member
1161 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

I would agree also with PPs that our relationship itself feels exactly the same as it did before marriage. We are adjusting to a new (and very boring) city, new jobs, new routines, etc. But our first year of marriage definitely will not be “our most difficult year”.

Post # 11
Member
1115 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

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MKWeddingBee:  This is so true. My Fiance and I have lived together for 3 years but the hardest thing is making time for each other and not spending time in the presence of each other.  

Post # 13
Member
2758 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2008

Well, my parents had a terrible marriage, so I went into marriage with pretty realistic expectations. I expected there to be love, mutual respect, and collaborative solutions to our conflicts, and that’s pretty much what I got. 

Something I didn’t plan for was some of the really bad things that happened from the outside, like our needing to sell our home and become the apartment-hoppers we are today during the recession to avoid foreclosure, or realizing that we will need to leave the Bay Area, where we’ve lived most of our lives, for a less expensive area due to losing the income inequality game. These losses have been devastating for us and have affected our happiness. We’ve worked through it by realizing that each other’s unhappiness has nothing to do with each other but with the hopelessness of our situation. 

Post # 15
Member
4812 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 2010

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tinker15:  You should STILL talk about it. Just because he takes care of his own place does not mean he does not have expectations as to how the household chores will be divided (or not divided) once you live together/are married. People who can live perfectly fine on their own can still have very traditional expectations for marriage.

It is IMPERATIVE you two are upfront and honest and discuss expectations – including as to what you think won’t change, what you think will, what you imagine marriage to look like and so on.

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