Post # 1
I don’t even know what to think anymore. We moved to my husband’s home town state a few months ago…he got a job there and his family is there and he was away for a long time so he was happy to be back. We’re both in our late 30s. We got married at city hall two months ago for insurance benefits but won’t have the wedding ceremony until May of next year.
We moved for his job which is with the government. It was supposed to be a huuuge step up pay wise. It’s been a nightmare. They are hostile towards him, make racial comments, and he may need to file with eeoc. Then we read nightmare stories how filing with them makes it even worse and they are already on the road to terminating him. We can’t afford a lawyer either to fight for us. He already got written up once and it only takes two more times to get fired during probation. Maybe he should just resign before they fire him.
I am reliant on his health insurance with only having a part time job so if he gets fired that’s gone along with most of our income. I started a small private practice upon moving here but no clients yet so no income from that. We’re living with his mother since we moved a few months ago and saving for a house. That dream may be down the drain now too. Losers to the max. Who knows when we can move out if he loses his job.
His old job in the other state said he could come back but we can’t afford to buy anything in that area because the costs are sooo much higher. At least in the new state we could afford mortgage payments. And the old job doesn’t pay as well. Our savings has dwindled due to the move and other non- frivolous expenses and even with not having to pay rent right now we have less than 30k combined in savings.
I want children and that is now on the back burner. Depressed.
I would never kill myself but I want to escape from life and can’t handle it anymore with us constantly getting nowhere and being beat down again and again by life circumstances. I spent Christmas thinking about that. I see no way out and we can kiss any future goodbye.
Post # 2
I think you need to seek help from a professional therapist. You are not a failure. Life has set backs. You two will bounce back. Try to focus on the positive instead of dwelling on the could be negative. He’s not even fired yet.
ETA: It seems like you have a history of negative self talk (calling yourselves losers, failures etc). I really, REALLY advise that you seek help from a therapist. This isn’t a one time down on your luck moment, you’ve had a really rough year and it would help having a professional with whom you could discuss these issues.
Post # 3
I’m so sorry! But listen you are not a loser! You took a chance on a move and new job and it isn’t working out. But all of this can be fixed! This is just a hard time. You and your husband need to start applying for full time jobs today. He can find a new job before they fire him, and you can get a full time job to carry you guys over. You’ll build up your savings (which are so much larger than many people’s) buy your house and have kids eventually. Just keep working to improve your situation! Don’t let your optimism go down the gutter. This is not a death sentence- it’s just a hard time.
Post # 4
Feeling like you’ve failed at life because you only have 30k in savings is a really interesting perspective. There are a lot of people who make less than 30k a year. There are a lot of people who can’t even imagine what having 30k to their name would be like. Please take a step back from your situation, I think you’re too mired in it to see clearly. I know it must seem terrifying from where you are right now, but you really need to figure out how to see it from a different angle. I don’t want to sound like an A hole, but the phrase “first world problems” comes to mind…
Post # 5
I can relate to some of the things you posted about. Speaking as another 30-something whose bio clock is ticking… do you need fertility help, or can you try to get pregnant now?
Post # 6
You know how much I make a year on my own?? 6k…..
I also have a 4yo boy that dependant on me,
That 30k you guys have saved, that would be a god send to me right now, but you know what I do what I have to do to survive,
Secondly, my father died by suicide at the start of the year, and I can tell you for a fact that however bad you think your life is right now? You leave that behind on your loved ones tenfold,
I don’t mean this to sound rude, quite the opposite in fact, you have love in your life, a roof over your head, food and warmth, you are richer than you think, I know it sucks, I know it’s worrying for Fiance and his job right now, but a job s the reason I lost my dad and guess what, it’s just a job, I think you should see someone if you can, a doctor, they can maybe give you a pick me up, the rest can be worked out objectively, there is always hope, take a step back, confide in a friend or Fi, it will be ok!
Post # 7
- Wedding: May 2016 - Sussex, UK
30k in savings and a roof over your heads…I’m sorry bee but it’s a bit dramatic to say you are a failure. Racist comments at work are obviously completely unacceptable at work but he hasn’t been fired, still has a full time job and can start applying for other jobs. Couples start a family with a lot less than you have. I haven’t read your previous posts so I must be missing something.
Post # 8
- Wedding: April 2017 - City, State
OP, I think it’s unfair for people to so easily dismiss your concerns because your situation isn’t the absolute worst. Doing the “other people have it worse” thing doesn’t mean your concerns aren’t valid or you’re wrong for feeling what you’re feeling. Worrying about your DH losing his job and you guys not having health insurance (which I’m assuming is important because you got married early for the expressed purpose of being able to be on his insurance) is not a “first world problem.”
You aren’t a failure, though. You two tried something different and it’s not working out as you had wanted. That happens.
Use this time that you’ve got this extra support from family to figure out a new path. It’s scary to be in a position where you think you may not be able to support yourself in the future, but you are in a good position to make the transitions necessary to do so.
Post # 9
Right now you are super stressed and super upset. That’s ok, but for the sake of your future you need to feel that, set it aside, and deal only with your logical brain. You’re smart, you can do that while you’re still upset in the background. The truth of the matter is you made a move you thought would work out, and it isn’t working out. The suppossedly great job isn’t great, and now you have to make an unscheduled major life decision. That sucks, but that’s really the extent of it. This is not an unsolvable problem.
My feeling is your husband has to leave this job, and that leaving this town is probably a good move too. Do you really want to live somewhere where there’s this much racism that’s openly tolerated? No. And you don’t have to. You have a decent savings, yes, your dreams of home ownership are now going to be pushed back, but your scenario is NOT desperate. Take this time to carefully consider where you’d like to move. Decide to make this a major life adventure. Select maybe 5-6 cities or towns you would move to, consider home costs, job market, culture, and quality of life. He can start applying to jobs in all of those places today.
My heart goes out to you that you’re dealing with this racist BS, but you cannot let that stop you, what you can do is let it inform your future decisions. Get out of where you are, ride out this shitty job scenario, and put yourselves in a great situation to build a future in a town you can afford where this kind of shit is not tolerated.
Post # 10
I think it’s great and very admirable of you to open your own practice and start your own business. Whether it has picked up clients or not yet, new businesses usually tend to start off slow in the first few months… I would try to make some good connections in the new town to get your practice some recognition. It sounds like both of you and your husband are very smart financial wise, but do not let it restrict you into thinking you’re failures. It sounds like y’all are both doing the best you can. Don’t let others get to you and don’t dwell on the negative. It will make getting out of the situation that much harder.
It won’t be good for your future children if they have parents that feel they aren’t good enough. I’m sure y’all will make great parents, just need to keep it moving and keep up what you’re doing.
Post # 11
not helpful but you’re great at being judgemental
Post # 12
No one is being judgmental. You have a sizable amount in savings and it sounds like your husband worst case can go back to his old job while searching for a better one. Owning a home is a fantastic goal, but your life is not a failure if you have to rent for another 5 years.
If you’re not having luck with your business, what freelance or contract options are you pursuing? Are you volunteering and active in your community establishing a network? What remote work options have you explored in your field?
Your life is not over or beyond redemption, but you have to be willing to be flexible and work towards your goals incrementally.
Post # 13
- Wedding: May 2016 - Sussex, UK
Saying 30k in savings is substantial (as others pointed out) means I’m great at being judgemental. Bit of a sweeping statement. I said that doesn’t meant you’re a failure like you said. You have a start up business, your husband has the opportunity to look for another job while he already has one. You haven’t responded to anyone else’s good advice so I don’t know what you were looking for here.