(Closed) Life Rant: Aren’t I supposed to be happy?

posted 8 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
69 posts
Worker bee

I can’t imagine he isn’t aware of the huge burden he is placing on you.  Have you two talked this over together?  He really isn’t in the position of being picky when it comes to jobs if you two are struggling.

I would say this is a serious enough issue to put an engagement on hold.  Write down the points you want to make, the questions you want to ask, and the things you need from him.  Sit down and talk.  If you come out of that conversation feeling anything less than satisfied with an action plan for your financial future it may be time to walk away.

That’s my two cents anyways.  Best of luck.

Post # 4
Member
4480 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: March 2010 - Calamigos Ranch

There’s a GREAT reason he’s not getting calls: recession + he’s unemployed. Whether fairly or not, employers tend to think that people who are any good are working; people without jobs are not the best job candidates. He needs to do a lot more than apply to jobs every here and there in between playing video games if he wants to get a job right now.

And if he will let his fiancee support him while he plays video games/doesn’t clean because he thinks that sales jobs are *below* him, my guess is he doesn’t come across all that great in interviews, either. Confidence is a virtue, but entitlement is not.

I’d step back from the wedding planning until he gets his act together.

Post # 5
Member
651 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

I think you need to sit down and talk to him and lay it all out.  He should not have quit his job because he didn’t like the people…ESPECIALLY in this economy.  But it is what it is at this point.  If it were me, I’d make it clear that it is unacceptable for him to act this way and he needs to make more of an effort to get a job, and that means turn the video games off.  He also needs to take any job he can get while he’s looking for something better.  Looking for a job should be his FULL time job.

Post # 6
Member
687 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

Yea, it’s taking everyone a hard time to find a new job and there are loads of people who are taking jobs that they are over qualified for just to have work, so the fact that he’s having a hard time isn’t his fault.

BUT… I can understand why you are frustrated and it’s not fair to you that he doesn’t get some type of job just to help out until something better comes along. Can I ask what he does during the day in addition to sending out resumes?

I am a firm believer that people only get away with what we let them, so perhaps you need to sit down with him and have a firm talk about how you feel and what he needs to do. Most people don’t have the luxury of sitting around waiting for a job they feel is worthy of them if they don’t have someone else supporting them. I imagine if you weren’t doing it, that he would find a way to earn money.

My XH did exactly what your Fiance is doing for many, many years. He would get a job and then find a reason why he couldn’t keep working there. It was very hard to deal with and I was very resentful at the pressure he put on me as the sole breadwinner (with kids at that!). And you know what, when I left him, he magically found a way to support himself! Necessity can be a great motivator!

Also, since finances seem to be one of the biggest things couples argue about, it might be a good idea to get this ironed out now to make sure you both have the same philosophies on work and money.

 

Post # 7
Member
9 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: June 2010

I agree with Spaniel. I believe that if this is the way he is BEFORE you marry him, you can only expect (at best) that he will continue this way.

I know it may not be the best advice, but there are some things you shoukdnt have to point out to your man, one of them is his responsibility to be a provider, and make life easier for you- not harder and more budensome.

I know you said things were great, but the question is – do you love him enough?

Post # 8
Member
1566 posts
Bumble bee

It sounds like he doesn’t have much of an incentive to *really* try applying for jobs since you’re supporting him and making it possible for him to stay super-picky and play video games all day. Honestly, you don’t deserve this. Before you get married, he should be able to support himself. I see how you might have thought it was a good idea to move in together, but I think you’ll agree it hasn’t exactly turned out the way you expected. 

You might feel like you’re being a great partner by “helping him through a rough patch” but you’re really just encouraging him to continue mooching off of you. It would be a different story if he lost his job rather than quitting in the middle of a recession. It would be a different story if he was working his ass off to find a job, taking anything he could get to help you just a little bit. So far, it’s been a one-way street – not only are you paying his rent, but you paid for a trip to Mexico for him! 

It scares me that you write you’re really unhappy and you feel like there’s nothing you can do. There is something you could do: stop supporting him! Get your own place or move in with a roommate who pays their share of the rent. Show him that you won’t put up with this type of behavior, and if he truly cares about you, he’ll change it. 

Post # 9
Member
2767 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2009

He needs to start applying for jobs left and right.  Disconnect the video game system and have him apply for every job possible.  If he doesn’t get one soon and keeps his act going I’d say you have a user on your hands.  Get rid of him if he keeps behaving like this.

Post # 10
Member
385 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: January 2010

I hate to be harsh, but it is time to let him go.  I have two good friends with husbands like this.  They can’t find work.  When they do get work, it isn’t good enough for them so they quit or do something to blow it.  My friends are miserable and money is a constant struggle for them.  First and foremost (I would argue that this is possibly even more important than the love factor or just as important) you need someone who is willing to work for the sake of their family, who is a provider.  Not that you can’t provide too, but you need an equal partner, not someone who freeloads.  And these friends, their husbands not only do not work, but they do not clean or take care of the children.  It is no way to live a life even if you are in love.

Post # 11
Member
478 posts
Helper bee

Wow. I am so sorry for your stress. I am going to give you my opinion and I hope that you don’t take this the wrong way as it is only my opinion, given I don’t know your relationship with him.

 

There is no way in hell I’d put up with that situation. Not wanting to work a job “below him” is no excuse. He should be out applying everywhere that has an opening. I don’t care if he has to change the trash at McDonalds, there’s no such thing as “too good.” If it pays the bills, he should be grateful to have that income because there are a lot of people who don’t even have that.

I have a hard time dealing with people who think they are “above” the rest of us. He should be reminded that nothing is going to be handed to him. He’s a big boy now and has to put down the video game controller & start taking some responsibility. I think it’s a major insult to you for him to ask you to be his wife and expect you to manage the bills by yourself. You want to be his wife, not his mommy.

If anything I think it’s a good thing this is happening before you guys get married because it gives you an idea of his behavior and attitude towards things like this. Do you want to share your life with someone who contributes to the copious life that you want to live or do you want someone who constantly needs pushing and urging to do what needs to get done? I’ve put up with a boyfriend just like that and although I loved him, I had to move on. I didn’t want to constantly “nag” at him to get crap done–it put a big stress on our relationship and took away from the joy a relationship is supposed to be.

Every relationship has it’s “hard times” but that’s what’s awesome about relationships–you get through them TOGETHER. When you’re in a [healthy] relationship, that person is supposed to share your load–but instead it sounds like you’re the pack donkey, carrying the weight of your stress for the both of you. That’s not fair to you, and selfish on his part.

 

Ultimately, you’re going to do what you want. Like I said, I don’t know the dynamics of your relationship or any other circumstances that might alter the situation. I do hope you do what’s best for you, and remember that wanting to be happy is not wrong of you. I really hope you don’t take what I said as an insult or as my intention to “bash” you. That is my honest opinion of how I would look at the situation, but I also understand that you are not me. You are obviously a strong woman to continue to push through this- I know you’ll figure it out.

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