(Closed) Like Leonard and Penny, We're In Two Different Places

posted 5 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Hostess
7560 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: January 2013

I think he’s just confused right now. He may have felt like he was ready to get married in November. Maybe now he’s feeling overwhelmed. The important part is to communicate honestly about what being ready means. What does he want to do/be before getting married? Is it possible that he’s just scared? You can have these conversations without pressuring him. Either way, I would not move in together until you’re engaged or completely comfortable with his timeline. 

Post # 4
Member
137 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: December 2018

I really feel for you sweetheart.

I have been here. I am currently in a long-term relationship (7 years). We meet when I was 23 years and he was 29 years. When we reach our 4th year, I sat down with him and had a honest talk about what he wanted out of our relationship and what he wanted out of life. He told me he wanted to get married to me some time in the next few months. I approached him again after 5 year. After 6 years, there was nothing stopping us, except him. We ended up seeing a psychologist (even through I am a psychologist myself).

She told me what I already knew. You need to sit down and write down your future goals, and what you what out of life. Get him to do the same.

If they don’t match, you have too choices- 1. Learn to live with the mis-match happily (compromise)- This may mean you accepting that marriage may not happen for you if you stay with him- If he hasn’t committed yet- he may not. After all what is stopping him? Marriage provide a stable loving environment- maybe it is just the huge ceremony that gives him anxiety. Maybe a small ceremony of 2 witnesses maybe your compromise?.

2. I see you as a ‘people-pleasurer’- But what about you? Are you going to have to compromise all your dreams to stay with this man? Is this worth it?. Sometimes we have to walk away from the one thing that we love in order to get the life that we love to live.

I think that a honest, open conversation with him at his stage in your relationship is ideal.

Post # 5
Member
1636 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

Hi

I just wanted to say I know how you feel. I met my Darling Husband at 19 as well and we were together 7 1/2 yrs before he proposed.

We moved into together after abot 4yrs and from then on I was ready to get engaged and he wasn’t. We would often talk about it and just like your SO he would say he would like to marry me but just was not ready.

It is really hard when you are ready and he is not to really understand the POV spesh as people around us would always say things about how long we had been togther and still no ring (tb fair had we met at 25 and still not been married after 7 years they may have had more of a point)

Keep talking, it sounds like you have good communication in your relationship and I am sure you will get there in the end.

FYI – today Darling Husband and I have been together for 10 yrs, married nearly 2

Post # 9
Member
1293 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2018

@LoggerHead91207:  You have a very mature outlook. I applaud you for that ๐Ÿ™‚

He probably gave you the timeline you wanted to hear because he didn’t want to deal with potential nagging and upset based on telling the truth. Was that the right thing to do? No. But probably based on what he has heard from his friends – and what seems to be the norm – he assumed you’d be bugging him like crazy to make a commitment he just isn’t ready for.

Having said that, perhaps it is just the word that is freaking him out. He loves you, you have a long history together, and soon you will be living together. He is committed to you and wants to spend his life with you (and not have the pressure of meeting a timeline/deadline – this isn’t a school assignment afterall). In my opinion, you already have everything you are striving for marriage to bring – a commitment of the heart and living married life.

He will propose when he is ready. In the meantime, enjoy life with him. You’ve found the man you want to be with, so leaving him because he doesn’t want to live his life by others’ standards is not fair.

Post # 12
Member
1293 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2018

@LoggerHead91207:  When you live together, you will be common law. I already call my Fiance my husband and he calls me his wife. We are named in each others’ wills and are each others’ beneficiaries. I get the legal aspects, absolutely. I also get that he should have been honest with you but he just sounds confused. I’m sure he meant what he said when he said it, but it’s a lot to wrap your head around.

You have the right idea – laying off and letting him come to the decision on his own is your best bet (no one wants to be forced or else resentment will happen). You are showing him that you’ll be a great wife rather than telling him – actions speak louder than words. You’re on the right track, I firmly believe that. And don’t let anyone tell you that your Fiance is a douche canoe or that you’re doing it wrong. Only you know what’s best for you and your relationship ๐Ÿ™‚

Post # 13
Member
2389 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

The only piece of advice I will give is do NOT move in with him until you are engaged with a wedding date set.  He’s not the only one who gets to get what he wants out of your relationship.  He wants to live together and you want to be engaged.  If you move in with him without a ring, he’ll just keep telling you what you want to hear to shut you up for a few more months and then “forget” what he said.

You’re either on the same page or you’re not.  And you’re not.  So you can 1)  try to convince him to marry you (bad idea)  2)  wait around indefinitely  or 3)  leave.  

Personally I couldn’t stay with a person that I wanted to marry if he didn’t feel the same way.

Post # 14
Member
2389 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

@BoxerLady:  Common law isn’t a thing in most U.S. states.  Not sure where OP lives.

Post # 15
Member
1293 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2018

@oneofthesethings:  Oh. Learn something new everyday! Like how the world extends past Canada ๐Ÿ˜›

Post # 16
Member
2389 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

@BoxerLady:  Ha!  I wasn’t sure where you lived.  Yeah, it’s only valid in 9 states.

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