(Closed) Lingering feelings for my ex: How to deal.

posted 8 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
461 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

I think the best thing to do is cut off all contact and force yourself to stop asking “what if” because you can only have one.  If things had worked out you wouldn’t be getting married to your current fiance.  Isn’t that enough to satisfy your curiousity?  I know it’s hard but you have to force yourself…  I ended up talking to an ex (more out of wanting to be friends but it reminded me of simpler times and we started talking a lot in a short period of time) and it really hurt my fiance.  I wish I never even bothered because he has to be number one.  In all honesty I would say you need to work out your feelings for your ex before you talk about getting married to your fiance.  I know you say it has no impact on your relationship w/ your fiance, but does he know about your feelings for another guy?  It’s just not the same as only having feelings for one.

 

Post # 4
Member
257 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

Okay… I will make this short since I think you understand all the consequences of your decisions no matter which one you make, but this is my advice.

If you absolutely KNOW that your fiance is the one for you and you will love him forever, then cut all ties with your ex. I know it’s sad because he was someone you cared about and who you grew up with, your first love, etc. But when you get married you will be one with your husband and he should be all you need emotionally. The only way you will completely distinguish all feelings toward your ex (no matter how little they might be) will be to end communication with him.

Simple as that… just end it. Don’t think about what-ifs… don’t confide in him… just let it be. Your Fiance is the one you should be focusing on and you don’t ever want to have “what ifs” about if you could have had a better relationship with your husband because you were too worried about “what ifs” involving an old flame.

Post # 5
Member
5762 posts
Bee Keeper

I think you’re looking for some kind of closure. Many times things remain unsaid  and sort of just end, no matter what the reasons. Even tho you’ve talked, have you said to the ex any of what you’ve said here?

Its easy to romanticize old relationships,but you’re now living in your reality. While hard,its time to let your fantasy  about your ex go.

Most people have nagging doubts and do the same kind of wondering. How to resolve it is another issue entirely. I wish I had some answers for you,but I still have unfinished business with an old love for over 30 years. I wouldn’t change a thing about how my life has turned out,tho, so I think its just one of those things that you keep repressed and bring out  on occasion and ponder sometimes.

I always wanted to live my life having no regrets,and I think I’ve been successful in doing just that. Try and just let it go and stop torturing yourself, but keep your memories of him in a safe place inside your heart. Good luck!

Post # 7
Member
1288 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2010 - Indiana Memorial Union

You might want to consider giving up that relationship entirely. If you keep up contact, you’ll only keep wondering. If this man leaves your life permanently, it’s that much easier to move on completely.

Post # 8
Member
3125 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2009

it sounds like you just wanted to get it off your chest. As hard as it may be, you just have to put your blinders up and any time you think about him, force yourself to think of something else. It’ll be easier in time. You know that you had those good vibes with your ex, but you have never been in a regular relationship with him, in the same place, and going for the same goals. Chances are very very likely that if you had had the chance to fully explore that relationship, the fundamental differences in attitudes toward relationships / marriage / ambition would have made the relationship fizzle pretty quickly. Think of it as a nice thing from your past that’s not tarnished by pesky reality and get back to your regular profile, stat!

Post # 10
Member
3125 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2009

As innocent as things might be now, since there are unresolved romantic feelings, it’s just not a good idea. Because years down the line, even if you know in your head that it would NEVER HAVE WORKED OUT (referring to the ambition/no marriage/no leaving the island), you could still have the what-ifs should something be going wrong in your married relationship. I am not saying that it’ll happen, but why leave something that big up for chance? You and your fiance will fight someday – you don’t want your dear old friend and confidant stirring up these feelings when things are rough.  During those times, its easier to lose sight of the logic you showed here in this post.

Post # 11
Member
1032 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2009

The reason you feel so strongly is because this is a fantasy. It is so much easier to hang on to a “dream”. You never were able to live the day to day…..year in and year out. If you had…the realatioship may have taken it’s natural course and maybe ended. Because it was never given the chance to play out…all you have are the good stuff: the fantasy…the dream. This is why these feeling persist. Everything is perfect in a dream. Thus these feeling can continue because it was never really resolved and never took it’s natural course. Try to remind yourself this

You are not a bad Fiance. You are human. Movies and TV make us think that you be TRULEY in love means that you will never be conflicted and will never have feeling for other people. This is simply not true. This isn’t a movie…its life…and we are much more complicated than that.

Holding on to these old feelings doesn’t make you a bad person. But do keep it in perspective. Remind yourself that this person is someone who you have been able to hold onto as a “dream”. You Fiance is someone that you chose to marry after living day in and day out with him.

Love isn’t like in the movies. We choose the one to marry because we love them…we get along….and it all seems to work. It doesn’t mean there are always fireworks. It doesn’t mean that you can never have feelings for old flames.  Being in love and being married is a choice more than a feeling. You found the person that you are choosing to spend your life with.

Post # 12
Member
5921 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: December 2010

I think you need to cut off all contact with your ex.  There is a reason he is the EX, not the fiance.

Post # 13
Member
1032 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2009

I didn’t realize that you were still in contact with this other person. Cut that off. It’s as good as emotionally cheating.     Cut the cord! 🙂

Post # 14
Member
2392 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

I totally disagree that you need to cut off contact.  While there is this what-if haunting your mind, the fact of the matter is that in real life, your ex is a close friend you’ve had for a long time.  Your husband is not threatened by this, and you know enough not to turn it into anything he should be threatened by.

I do agree with you that your ex should not be your closest confidant.  If your husband isn’t really a talker/sharer, then maybe you need to find someone else in your life to play that role.  But not being your closest friend doesn’t mean your ex can’t be a good friend.

Two more things.  One, that life is not neat and clean, where we only love one person and that’s that.  Doesn’t mean you should be consumed with longing for what you haven’t chosen, just means that make the decision that works in your life and time and distance will take care of the rest.  It sounds like you want to be with your fiance.  If that’s the case, it will only get easier over time once you give yourself closure.  You’re the only one who can give yourself that – it doesn’t magically happen.

Second, as others have pointed out, you’re attached to the fantasy.  Even if your parents and others hadn’t gotten in the way, it sounds like there’s some serious differences in life course / philosophy on marriage / etc that would mean things wouldn’t work out anyway.  Yes, you didn’t get a chance to find that out, but that often doesn’t happen for one reason or another.  Adding to this point, sex is just sex.  It wouldn’t have changed EVERYTHING.  I think you and your ex agreeing to hold off was a very mature decision.  Honestly, it makes me think that he probably respects you quite a bit as a friend and respects that he can’t be with you, not really.

I don’t think there’s a need to cut off all contact.  Just cool it down a bit.  Don’t feel a need to hold onto a relationship that probably wouldn’t have worked anyway just because you weren’t given a chance.  There’s lots of chances we’re not given in life.  Live fully the ones you do have – like the wonderful man who shares your life now.

Post # 16
Member
510 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2009

I think I know where you are coming from, and i don’t mean to sound harsh, but you basically want to sow your oats before you get married and you want to do it with a friend of yours without any backlash or consequences from said friend or your future husband right?

You aren’t wrong for having those feelings…men have them all the time…they are called “when bachelor parties go terribly wrong”…I mean, being serious for a moment, it looks like you know that going back to your ex wouldn’t work, but since your FH is the only person you’ve been with, it makes your mind linger at what else is out there.  Well, truthfully, there’s a lot out there, but acting upon it doesn’t really bring you positive results all the time 🙂 So talk it out on WB, get all those feelings out…maybe go see someone regarding your sexual desires so you can funnel them toward your FH and not your ex…

and please believe, I say this with all love, because I could probably say most of us on WB have been in a similar position at one point in our lives, even if it wasn’t necessarily with our FH, but eventually those feelings will subside and a true “friendship-relationship” could continue…hope this helps

The topic ‘Lingering feelings for my ex: How to deal.’ is closed to new replies.

Find Amazing Vendors