(Closed) Liquid Courage and Ultimatums…

posted 8 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
6015 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: March 2012

Wow… i would have needed the liquid courage too!  The good thing about it all is you don’t seem like you have regret about doing it.  It seems to me that it wasn’t overly dramatic, like you said … blunt… and you were done.  I hope it works out!

Post # 4
4311 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

My friend used to set a lot of dates and timelines and I think she literally did it over 3 years.  Every time I would talk to her it would be a new date with an excuse as to why she did not follow through.

My advice?  You sound strong.  Stick to your guns and your timeline.  Don’t wonder if you will follow through – just do it. 

Post # 5
767 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

I agree with @deetroitwhat: stick to it. There’s no need to say anything else. You’ve told him how it is, and now it’s up to him.

I’m sorry things have to be this way, but good for you! Sticking up for yourself is sometimes hard to do.

Post # 6
1331 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2016

I hope he truly realizes the depth of your seriousness and remembers it come March.  I hope that all he has is cold feet that will continue to thaw in order to give you both a happy ending.  Doesn’t it feel great to get all that off your chest? Smile

Post # 7
2025 posts
Buzzing bee

i second the “one heck of a team” thing!

last week, monday night, the SO and i had a fabulous time playing cards and having some drinks at home just the two of us. we capped the night off with some fabulous… well you know… and as we lay in bed i almost blurted out “just do it already” in regards to a proposal. luckily my buzz had worn off enough to keep my mouth shut, but whew! it was a close one!

Post # 8
1577 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

Congratulations on sticking up for yourself!!  Who cares if it took a martini or two.. what matters is that you did it in a no-nonsense fashion without being overly emotional.  He knows that you’re serious.  I say definitely follow through.  If you don’t, he probably won’t take any future ultimatums or marriage conversations seriously.  Good luck, doll!!

Post # 9
3304 posts
Sugar bee

Girly- I have been following your story and I am completely rooting for you— but am I the only one who sees what you wrote? This guy is dragging his FEET, I don’t even know why you are giving him any more time, besides waiting for a lease to run out.

  • All excuses aside, in the end, he just didn’t want to have to make a decision.  This was blatantly obvious when I asked him 4 times “do you want to marry me”, and he just couldn’t bring himself to answer.
  • he also thinks I’m bluffing and that I won’t be able to follow thru with it
  •  he volunteered to go, although he was miserable when he was there.
  • hopefully he won’t lose the card this time
  • he’s trying to say that I’m kicking him out, that I’m the one making the decision, etc

Honestly, I could not be with much less MARRY someone who has to be dragged into this. Don’t get me wrong, my SO was the same way a few months ago (just generally underexcited about everything) and I finally did what you did without the alcohol; explained to him that I deserved to be with someone who wants to be with me as much as I want to be with him. Of course I wasn’t going to wait anymore after I knew he had funds for a ring, but I also didn’t want to accept a ring from someone who feels this is the decision I am making for the both of us and he is unhappy with it.
I want someone who is excited to be with me, WANTS to call me his fiance and is HAPPY to plan our wedding. I didn’t want a ring because I was leaving but because he realized that he couldn’t be without me.

Like I said- I am 100% rooting for you- I just don’t want you to get a shut up ring in the process and then he drags his feet to get to the alter because this isn’t what he really wants to do in the first place. Like I said, my SO was just like yours and I don’t know what clicked but something did and since then the engagement talks come non-stop from him because he is EXCITED about it and really wants to do it.

Post # 10
3304 posts
Sugar bee

And please follow through with this- I am so concerned for you when you said you don’t know whether or not you will be able to follow through come March- you have to know that the longer you put this off, the longer it will take to finally make you happy again.

Post # 11
631 posts
Busy bee

Good for you for sticking up for yourself.  But let me just say:  At a certain point, his “lack of a decision” is itself a decision.  If he isn’t saying “yes I want to marry you” then the answer, really, is “no I don’t want to marry you.” 

I would really start to think about whether this is the right man.  It’s one thing when you know your boyfriend wants to marry you (he says so) but he just needs a kick in the butt to get things moving.  It’s another thing when a man doesn’t really want to get married (or get married to you) and “gives in” to your demand.

Best of luck hon.  You are doing the right thing.

Post # 12
2783 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

Three words: YOU. GO. GIRL.

I know all of the other bees have already said it, but good for you! Way to lay it on the line, and more importantly, way to show you really mean it. I comepletely agree with your saying that 6 months is unreasonable, and therefore you are moving up your date. Maybe this will get him to smarten up and see what he has: and if he doesn’t he isn’t worthy anyways (easy to say, I know….but it wouldn’t be so easy if there weren’t truth behind it).

Good luck, I know this must seem really tough, but remember, we’re all here for you!

Post # 13
4887 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

I just have to give $.02 perspective from a complete stranger’s point of view :  this dude doesn’t want to marry you.  I apologize for the harshness of this statement, however it seems like you’ve been very clear about your intentions, and so has he.  His lack of response is your answer.  Getting engaged should be something people are excited about – its no light matter to decide to spend the rest of your life with another person, but it’s a very happy, exciting time.  This doesn’t sound happy or exciting at all- it actually sounds a little depressing.

In my opinion (which isn’t worth much, but you know), ultimatums are recipes for disaster.  At some point down the line, you’re going to resent him for making you set an ultimatum, not doing this on his own, etc, and he’s going to resent you for doing it.   It starts the marriage off almost one-sided, and thats no good.

Its going to be hard, but I’d suggest considering ending this relationship NOW, before you get any deeper, and freeing yourself up to find someone who simply can’t wait to marry you.  There are so many people out there who genuinely want to get married, and plenty who could make an awesome partner for you.  Let them have a chance 🙂 

Post # 14
288 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

I can hear the song “If you like it then you better put a ring on it” I hate to agree with Kristen, but it doesn’t seem like he wants to get married. Whether it be financial issues, his own commitment issues or just you, you need to get down to the bottom of it. HE NEEDS TO TELL YOU why he is so hesitant and why he thinks he can just string you along. It’s not fair to you for  him to act this why and I am happy for you that you were able to lay down the law and not have regrets about it. Any other girl would have called him the next day and apologized for her bluntness and blamed it on the alcohol. GOOD LUCK!

Post # 15
2192 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

To the OP, I don’t think I am comfortable telling you to leave this man, as I don’t know the two of you on a personal level. However, I do agree with a lot of the PP’s that stated that an ultimatium may not be the best plan of action. You don’t want to push someone into this decision and it should be an exciting time for both ppl involved. He seems to be making himself really clear that he isn’t ready to make this decision. As frustrating as that can be, the best thing to do in most cases is just stop with discussing it for awhile. Really take a step back and reevaluate your situation and see if the two of you are even on the same page at all or if you are even going to end up wanting the same things down the road. My advice would be to not lose anymore of your time with someone that doesn’t want the same things as you. I wish you nothing but the best!

Post # 16
29 posts


I agree with all of your points, especially the bulleted info that you called out from the OP’s post. I don’t think he wants to get married, and I would have a hard time accepting a ring when I knew the personally really didn’t want to do it. It could backfire.

P.S. Congrats to the OP for standing up for herself!

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