(Closed) Listen to Abusive Boyfriend about Guestlist?

posted 6 years ago in Family
  • poll: How would you handle it?
    Not invite the brother : (11 votes)
    12 %
    Not invite the boyfriend : (26 votes)
    28 %
    Invite everyone and hope for the best : (56 votes)
    60 %
  • Post # 17
    Member
    1589 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: March 2014

    Not gunna lie. I’d move mountains to make sure my sister and nieces could come. Does abusive bf know they have a thing for each other? That’s kinda messed up.

    Post # 18
    Member
    1733 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: June 2012

    Invite everyone and hope for the best. Your sister’s asshole partner doesn’t dictate YOUR life.

    Post # 19
    Member
    64 posts
    Worker bee

    I would invite him, and whomever else you wanted to. If your sister doesn’t go because of her abusive boyfriend, then maybe that will be a wake up call to her that with him being a part of her life, she’s going to miss out on the lives of her family and friends.

    How dare HE give YOU an ultimatium for YOUR wedding!

    Post # 20
    Member
    1065 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: October 2014

    (If someone is trained in this field, please tell me if this is bad advice.)

    Your sister needs to “wake up.” Maybe she’s economically dependent on him or frightened he will kill her or her child – major issues that need to be addressed. But it’s odd she told her abusive partner about this other guy – does she think she’s still in love with him? 

    I would risk her not coming to the wedding. I realize that is something you would always regret, but missing your sister’s wedding is a hell of a fucking wake up call and might be the thing that makes her realize, “He is ruining my life.”

     

    More generally, invite your friend, don’t tell sister he’s invited, and really support her (financially if need be) so she can get out of this relationship.

    Post # 21
    Member
    407 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: May 2014

    On one hand, I feel like the LAST thing your sister needs is to see you actually honoring her BF’s request like it’s completely reasonable.

    On the other hand, I would worry that her Boyfriend or Best Friend might try to hurt her in retribution.

    I’m so sorry you’re in this situation!

     

    Post # 22
    Member
    561 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: September 2013

     @Syzygy88:  +1

    @HonoraryNerd:  Your sister needs to GET OUT OF THIS RELATIONSHIP! If he’s hitting her now (is he?) it will only get worse. She and her daughter deserve better. 

    Maybe the boyfriend preventing your sister from going to the wedding would be a wakeup call for her?

    I think the most important question here is how to get your sister away from this asshole. 

    Post # 23
    Member
    1065 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: October 2014

    @wideeyes:  +1

     

    Abusers gaslight and make the victim feel “crazy.” You need to show that HE is the irrational, messed up one and that HIS demands are “crazy.” Don’t give in to them to keep the peace. She probably knows that what she’s doing is bad for her – by not listening to him, you’re showing her that he does NOT control the whole world. You are her connection to the “real world”, unfortunately. 

    Post # 24
    Member
    1093 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: August 2013

    @wideeyes:  +1 On one hand, I feel like the LAST thing your sister needs is to see you actually honoring her BF’s request like it’s completely reasonable.

    This, if your sister sees you caving to her absuive Boyfriend or Best Friend, it’s going to re-enforce the notion that she’ll never be able to go against him. 

    Post # 26
    Member
    3051 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: February 2015

    @HonoraryNerd:  I can’t imagine letting the abusive asshole have more “power” than he already thinks he has. You don’t invite the brother, you give him even more power. I don’t think I would do that in your situation. I’d do everything I could to shake my sister out of whatever trance she was in but giving him more power means he wins and he now controls YOU too.

    Post # 27
    Member
    4823 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: June 2014

    Emotional abuse is just as hurtful as physical abuse.  I’d suggest having your sister as a guest by herself (not her BF)  just so she can experience some time with loving supportive people.  Perhaps that will help open her eyes to her true situation, and help her to take the next step.  

    Post # 28
    Member
    1880 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: April 2013

    @soontobemrsm11:  “giving him more power means he wins and he now controls YOU too.”

    Yeah this… if she lets him dictate who she can invite to her wedding, SHE is now also a victim of his emotional abuse.

    Post # 29
    Member
    3028 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: June 2013

    Not going to say what you should do since the wedding is (possibly) a year away. 

    PP asked for an expert, I might be as close as can be.  I work as a therapist in a women’s prison.  6 of my clients have committed crimes with a partner w/ the immediate threat of death or killed their long term abuser- 5 are doing life.  I teach classes on Domestic Violence and healthy relationships in the prison.

    What I will say is this; if him name calling her and putting her down (it’s hard to believe he’s not physical with her-yet TBH..sorry to deliever the news to you @HonoraryNerd:  early- but it’s inevitable) isn’t enough of a breaking point for this women to leave then not going to the wedding isn’t going to be “it.”  Sorry to say, but OP there is nothing you can do to control an abusers actions; letting your sister go to the wedding, hitting the other guy, causing a scene, etc.

    Another point to those saying she should leave, after leaving an abuser a women is 75% more likley to be the victim of ongoing abuse for up to 2 years after the end of the relationship.  In saying that I am not saying this is why she shouldn’t leave him, just pointing out it’s not as easy as walking away due to saftey concerns (let alone PTSD and other long term mental health issues.)

    I wish you well.  If you need any help feel free to PM me.  There are resources avaliable and information for you as well out there- although none will guarantee she leaves him.

    Post # 30
    Member
    1484 posts
    Bumble bee

    @HonoraryNerd:  I would invite everyone as planned (even abusive f-face grrrr) and sit them far away from each other. Also tell a few strong burley man-friends (or ladies) of the complete situation, and ask them to discreetly watch for any fights and intervene. Therefore you are sticking to your guns and assuring safety for everyone involved.  I’m sorry that your sister is going through this, hopefully she gets out. Also since f-face is an abuser, he is likely already mad at your sister for 1000+ other stupid reasons not just this situation.

    Post # 31
    Member
    12246 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper
    • Wedding: May 2013

    @HonoraryNerd:  Well, that you know.

    When I had a “really controlling boyfriend”, he was throwing me into walls/ down stairs/ pushing my face into the mess his dog left on the carpet while violently sexually assaulting me.

    But no one ever knew until YEARS after I’d left him!

    So I’m standing by “Don’t make him angry”

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