Post # 16
I’m so sorry Bee. Loneliness can be devastating. As PPs have said, the holidays are difficult, but you are almost out of it. In the meantime, please please don’t stay cooped up in your apartment alone. I’m not sure of your current financial situation, but maybe you can plan some “dates” with yourself for the next week: someone on the Bee suggested this on another thread and I thought it was brilliant. Make reservations at fancy restaurants, go to the movies, have a spa day, enjoy a glass of wine in a nice lounge, go ice skating… Basically, many of the things you typically associate with doing with someone else can still be really enjoyable by yourself. You’ll also be surprised to realize just how many other people are on their own.
2016 has been a doozy of a year for so many of us, so try to think of 2017 as a fresh start: you can literally rewrite your whole story but this time give yourself a happy ending!
Post # 17
OP, I remember your previous posts from the lead up time to you getting married.
I hope your therapy has continued, and I hope very much you do not rush into a relationship with a man. At your young age it seems that you have constantly been with men who are not good for you (am I reading those past posts right?) and being on your own for a while might be the most healthful.
Post # 18
WillowBee33 : Yea I think 2016 blew for everyone. Carrie Fischer died today! 2016 is really trying to squeeze in as many deaths as possible right to the last minute. I keep trying to remind myself that things are going to change and get better and that before I got the call about the job I was at my lowest ever. 1 moment changed my life and that can happen again. I’m working really hard on myself. I’m glad this cocooning thing is normal. I’ve spent tons of money on myself in the past few days for beauty treatments, mostly so I can hang out with my estetcians and not be alone lol. I figure I’ll figure out how to pay it all off after my job starts with my pay increase. I talk to my therapist too. She’s pretty good with emergency sessions. I’ve been journalling alot. I’m just trying not to blame myself for all of this or feel too bad about myself.
julies1949 : Thank you, I’m going to look into that website. I call the crisis lines all the time. I’m trying to cut back.
Post # 19
FauxPas2012 : Yea they have not been good for me. I’ve been on my own for about 8 months now and have been in intensive therapy since. There is a difference in being on my own and being isolated. I don’t mind being on my own The isolation sucks. I have worked very hard on myself. I have been on dates but am mostly scared of men at this point. I never want to get hurt like this again or waste anymore time in my life. I shut down most of my online dating acounts a few months ago to focus on myself and my hope is with the new environment I’ll be in a position for something to happen more naturally.
My therapist says she will help me make better decisions and build better relationships. I will definitely be taking things slow in the future and be more on the lookout for red flags. The last 8 months have been miserable and painful.
Post # 20
FauxPas2012 : Actually to be fair, most of the issues leading up to the wedding were with my family and in laws. My husband was supportive. He was really good at pretending to be something he wasnt and no one had any idea. My therapist and my family liked him and didn’t see any issues with him. He fooled everyone. Looking back I see some red flags but our issues were mostly with intimacy and communication. I had no idea how much he was hiding. I was really blindsided when he left. When I see pictures now or have flashbacks it’s still hard for me to beleive the perosn he is now is the person I spent 4 years with. It’s like polar opposites. Since the separation he has done so many horrible things to me whereas before the most he did was shut down and be non communicativeor avoid problems.
Post # 21
kanlink : hang in there! New job starts soon and that will feel good. I’m sure one day you will see that this chance to start over was a blessing. Active alcoholics and abusers have no place in your life… you deserve better. Try to just keep distracting yourself till things get better- good books, hobbies, fitness, meetup groups, church if you’re so inclined. A puppy or kitten!
Post # 22
MrsBuesleBee : I’m doing my best 🙂
I hope it’s a blessing and I don’t make the same mistakes.
Post # 23
This holiday season may suck, but I think it is definitely time to get yourself out of your apartment. Go for a walk. Go volunteer at the Humane Society. Walk to lunch. Bike to go grab coffee. Go see a movie. Get out of your apartment. Choose one friend (or maybe your sister?) and call them up and tell them how you are feeling. So what if it is the holidays? Most people have some time between Christmas and New Year’s, and they aren’t necessarily with their family at all times. Ask a friend to coffee. Out for a drink. To take a walk with you. Frankly I would make time for any acquaintence if they told me what you are writing on this board right now.
Post # 24
kanlink : I’m so sorry to hear that, bee, but I am happy to hear that you are starting a new chapter in your life soon, and it seems like a blessing in disguise that your alcoholic husband left!
-Have you ever thought of just sitting and reading at a coffee shop like starbucks?
-Walking at a well-populated park?
-I used to play MMORPGs on the computer before my career started, and there’s a huge community of gamers that you can talk to to fill your time (though, I don’t recommend really meeting them — it’s just to fill the time if that’s all you want).
-What about joining a book club?
-Maybe check out your city’s website for community and local events to attend?
Good luck and stay strong!
Post # 25
Reading isn’t really my thing so those options don’t really work for me but I was looking into some photography classes yesterday. I’m going to see what my workload and energy level is like at the new job and then decide whether or not to sign up.
My apartment is attached to a mall so yesterday I went downstairs and bought a few things at the pharmacy and then went into one of the stores and walked around. I’m finding I get a bit anxious being around people now. I feel like i got hurt so badly and was tricked so completely that I can’t trust anyone and humans scare me. I get a bit anxious leaving the apartment now. Being just randomly out in public feels like anything can happen, like a trigger can come up at any point as opposed to work or when I was in class which felt like more predicatble and safe environments.
At least today I am at work. Tomorrow is my last day at this job. So I am around people a bit. A big issue lately is that my work started this ‘agile work station’ thing where most employees can work from home 3 days a week except our team. I’m not friends with anyone on my team. They leave me out. All my friends are on other teams and they are all at home everyday now. My one friend was in today so we had lunch together. I told her how lonely I was and she didn’t really flinch. We are hanging out on Friday but her sister was here from the States and there was nothing she could have done really to help. People have their own stuff.
I think it was mostly just the holidays with everyone doing their own thing. Tonight i might go for drinks with a high school friend (even though alcohol makes me really sick I have no choice if I want to not be alone – I’ll just limit the drinks). Tomorrow my sister will be around and I’ll go to my dads after. Then Friday one of my friends is going for a manicure with me. Teusday I start my new job. I hope the last two weeks was the worst of it.
Thing is that I knew this would happen. This is why I attempted suicide when he left. I knew without him and his family I would be completely isolated, attempting to manage a chronic illness by myself (that is one of my major isolating factors) with very few posibilities for building relationships. Exactly what I feared is happening, even after all my hard work. I joined three support groups, call crisis lines, go to therapy, took my class in person instead of online, say yes to every social offer, reach out to old friends etc etc etc. I have worked so hard but thank g-d for this new job. That is the only hope keeping me afloat right now. A major life change like that might change everything for me. I hope it does anyways.
Post # 26
- Wedding: October 2015 - Ruby Princess
People forget how hard the holidays can be for people who don’t have “family” in the traditional sense. You are remembering and glamorizing the good times with your ex and forgetting that living with an alcoholic is hell.
It was, wasn’t it? I don’t know any of your story, but I DO know that an alcoholic always worsens and progresses. Him leaving was a HUGE gift to you, it just came in shitty wrapping paper. You are in that part right now, where you have torn a way some of the shitty paper, and can see that maybe, just maybe, there is a really amazing gift in there afterall.
Keep looking forward! I would take the time to netflix and chill with myself and binge several shows. What about some books. some people would die for the chance for some time to do some purely personal reading. Go to any retirement facility and ask if you can chat with the seniors that don’t have family that visit. Go get yourself a new Grammy or Grampy. lol. A LOT of people are alone on the holidays, and would appreciate a visit and good conversation.
Please do this one thing for me, if you do nothing else. Write a list of things you’re grateful for every day. Even if you think it’s stupid, (so do I) it does help to see all the things you have that others don’t. For instance: 1. food to eat? 2. warm place to sleep? 3. sufficient clothes to wear? check check and check.
Get out of your own head! it’s a dangerous place. 🙂
Post # 27
amandajane4949 : Yea reading is not my thing bui I have been journalling a lot and trying to say one thing im grateful for before bed eveyday. And I pray a lot too. I think things will start to get better the next few weeks.
I guess the hard part is that the alcohol was never a huge problem that I saw. It was annoying and it was the only time we fought but it never really affected me that I could see at the time. It wasn’t until he snapped last March from job and relationship pressure that it was constant all day every day etc. Before that we had a coupel of issues here and there with it but not really. Our biggest issues prior to that were lack of sex and lack of communication all on his part. I never really realized that he drank to cope with his feelings and humb himself. I see it more now but even if you look back at my old posts I don’t think it was something I complained about. Where he comes from heavy drinking is normal so even though his parents picked him up from a drunk tank in April all mad now they act like everythign is ok again. He had never done one outwardly mean thing to me until he snapped last march and then it was a barrage of horribleness. He moved out temporarily april 26th and sigend a lease for june 1st. So i guess the horribleness was so sudden, drastic and such a small percentage of the time we spent together it’s still kind of hard to beleive. It happened so fast. makes it easier to blame myself too and think that he doesn’t really have a problem or that it’ll go away when I’m gone.
I’m trying to decipher if the behavior is purely alcoholic related or if he is a sociopath or narciissist. I’m afraid to end up in the same situation again.