Post # 1
A little white lie never hurt anyone. Or does it? I recently found out that my SO had a one night stand one week before we met. The fact that he was with other people does NOT bother me at all. What bothers me is that he lied to me about it…several times. A mutual friend of ours let it slip to me that he did indeed do it. I know it’s very small, but he did tell a lie.
What I’m confused about is that I had a nice, non-accusatory talk with him and gave him another chance to come clean. I even told him that I heard the truth from a reliable source, but he still denied it. Not only that, he got upset with me, told me I ruined his night and refused to talk about it. I reassured him that I didn’t care that he was with other people, just don’t lie to me. He told me that I pushed too hard and now will never get anything out of him.
Well, I felt bad for pushing him for the truth and apologized the next day. He is very upset with me and has turned this into it being my fault. He’s never owned up to lying to me. He just turns it all around on me and makes me feel bad. Now he wants to “evaluate us”.
I’m not sure what to do. I like to fix things and hate for anyone to be upset at me. But on the other hand, I want him to admit he lied and then we can go from there. Like I said before, I don’t care who he was with before me, I just care about honesty. Right now I don’t know what to do or how to handle this.
Do I stand my ground or let it go and try to mend things? He’s really a great guy and other than this has never lied to me. I apologized for my actions several times. He still has yet to apologize.
Post # 3
Run away. Run away. Do not look back. He cannot even handle telling you the truth when he’s caught in it. This is not someone you want to trust with your life or your future children. He makes you feel bad about doing the right thing and that’s almost psychological abuse. That’s unhealthy and I’d suggest you leave.
Post # 4
Maybe he’s telling the truth. Unless this mutual friend was actually in the bedroom and under the covers with them, they can’t really know what happened, can they?
Post # 5
Honestly. What difference does any of it make if it was before you even met him? I don’t think people need to tell everyone everything about themselves, ever. Married or not,dating or not,engaged or not. I think you’re making way too much out of nothing.
Post # 6
Do you trust your SO? Or the friend?
If i was your SO, i’d be upset, too. I’d expect my partner to believe me, hands down, before someone else.
Post # 7
@ItWasntMe: & @ejs4y8: Agree with both of you.
Why do you assume the friend told you the truth (or even knows the truth), and not that your SO is telling the truth?
Post # 8
Are you sure that friend knows what he’s talking about? Maybe the friend just thought he had a one night stand or maybe your guy had embelished a story telling his friends that he hooked up with that girl and he didn’t really. You say he hasn’t lied to you any other time but maybe he just didn’t get caught. If you’re sure he’s lying to you then you should evaluate like he wants to for your benifit.
Post # 9
Perhaps your Fiance IS telling the truth! Maybe this informant is lying! And, honestly, who cares what happened before you met him? Your relationship didn’t start before you met him … it started the day you decided to have a relationship! Would you hold a one night stand that he had 5 years ago against him? If not, why are you holding this against him? Especially since BOTH happened before you knew each other!!! If he did it when he was WITH you and there was more evidence to support this than hearsay, then I could see you having an issue.
What do you do? You apologize for making accusations when you have NOTHING to back them up. And you apologize for bringing up things that happened before you came along. And then you drop it.
Honestly, I would wonder what kind of favor that the friend who told you this info. thought they were doing for you!? Maybe this mutual friend prefers that you be gone and is doing everything in their power to break you two up …
Post # 10
Either way, I don’t think it is a HUGE concern. It was before he even met you. There are some things my Fiance doesn’t know about my past…. my belief is that it is my past, and I want to keep some things that way. As long as he is honest in your relationship, I believe that it is all that matter.
Post # 11
I’d run the other way. He’s forcing you to shut up about something that is legitimately bothering you. This gets worse once you’re married.
It’s not a matter of his having the one night stand. It’s the way he shuts you down when you try to discuss something that he doesn’t feel the need to discuss.
It’s a bad, bad sign. He managed to twist your head around to the point you feel guilty for trying to have a discussion with him.
My ex did that–it was part of his overall abusive nature. He’s gone now & I thank God everyday for that.
Post # 12
I agree with @sassy411. If he is indeed lying, the way that he is twisting it around and trying to make it your fault means that you can’t trust him and he would lie again. Someone who really feels remorse would apologize profusely and never blame you at all. I know this because I have actually been in both situations with the same guy. You can tell a difference, just trust your gut.
Post # 13
Wow, I’m pretty sure that if everyone who made a post about ‘what should I do?’ listened to the posters advice on this website and actually left their significant others, then there’d be no need for this website because nobody would be getting married. I don’t think that little issues like this are a reason to run from an otherwise good relationship. (Although there are issues presented on this website that are a reason to run- please don’t think I’m discounting those situations, I just think on some issues people are a little too quick to tell someone to leave.)
This happened in the past before you even met him. I don’t understand why it’s such a big deal, and like some of the other posters said, what if he really didn’t do it? You’re going to ruin your relationship over a stupid he said/she said issue that happened before you even met.
It would be a whole different matter if this had happened after you met OR if you had issues with him lying in the past. If you’re happy in your relationship other than this small issue, I think he deserves a pass this time. But definitely watch for other situations to make sure it’s not a pattern. That’s what I would do, but only you can decide which decision is right for you.
Post # 14
The issue is not his past sexual hijinks. It’s not even the lying, really, tho that is not good.
The issue is his use of bullying to force the OP to shut up & not talk about her feelings. He’s gotten her to the point where she feels like the bad guy. That is extremely toxic.
I suggest watching the old movie, Gaslight.
Post # 15
This may be a white lie, but a very grey area as far as relationships go. So here’s my take:
You Fiance doesn’t want to confirm something about his past. Something that happened before you began dating. OK. So, this issue shouldn’t matter to you unless you A) feel like the one night stand directly affected you or your relationship in some way; did it? B) think that his omission is a form of lying/cheating and is only one of many examples. does he have more examples of withholding information from you?
As others have said, perhaps the other guy is lying. Or, perhaps your Fiance feels like it’s in the past and has no bearing on your relationship. Therefore, you need to decide if you let this issue go, or hold it against him. Do not enter marriage with resentful feelings! If it’s a one time instance, I would say let it go.
As one other person put it, the biggest concern here is if not only is he deceitful in other areas, but more that he is controlling and placing blame on you. Only you know him and your relationship. (I went through something similar, so feel free to PM me if you want to chat).
Post # 16
I don’t like the fact that he has yet to apologize for his reaction. My Boyfriend or Best Friend has a bad knee-jerk reaction to most negative situations, which has resulted in a broken game controller and I’m sure the neighbors love the shouting when he hits a stubling block (but has never hit me), but he has ALWAYS apologized at some point for losing his temper, regardless of what the problems was.
I think the way he is treating this matter is more important at this point than whther he embelished to the guys, the friend got him confused with another friend, or if he DID have a ONS he’s ashamed of… Something about this either struck a nerve, like maybe he get really offened at his word being doubted, I don’t know.
I say go along with his “evaluate us” and point out that that goes BOTH ways. You need to know he’s a man whose word is gold with you, and that you can approach him about things he may not want to hear without worrying about his reaction being directed at YOU. He should understand that omissions, or even the suspicion of omissions or lies will kill your relationship right now.