Livid! Dh and Money—Ferocious, Viscous Rant/Vent

posted 2 years ago in Relationships
Post # 2
378 posts
Helper bee

I’ve had similar in the past and it turned out to be online gambling (I had to take FULL control of finances after finding a bank statement that was $100 a day starting maybe 2 years prior).

If he won’t tell you what it’s on then I’d think possibly some addiction because $500 a time with nothing really to show from it seems odd, even if early dementia, as you need to find out where it went!

Also, him deflecting the blame onto you makes me feel that he’s either guilty or genuinely clueless, only you’ll know his judge of character for that.

I hope it all gets resolved and you can find out either way medically!

Post # 3
835 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

View original reply
sassy411 :  Does he work? Are you under the allusion of his employment? I can’t imagine why else he would need to dip into savings. Have you seen crap walk into your house, unexplained? I’m very curious as to how this could go unnoticed unless he is doing something really sneaky with that cash.

Post # 4
881 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

You husband has transferred sums of cash directly from your joint savings account to his checking account? To the tune of $4,000? You have every right to be livid. 

How old are both of you? How do you split your finances/bills? Are you both working? I can’t imagine any expense of $200-$500 that my husband would not know about. I would be very concerned what he has been spending this money on. (gambling? drinking? drugs? an affair?)

Post # 5
82 posts
Worker bee

This warrants an explanation beyond what he has given you. What are his day to day movements? Does he go to work? Is he out in the evenings? Does he spend a lot of time on the computer/phone/ipad?


Now you have access I suggest you watch that account like hawk. If he is complaining about expensive groceries then take this out of your account only, if it still continues you’ll know it’s something different.

April is a long time away, is there anyway you can bring this up to expedite the apppointment?

Otherwise you will need to get straight answers from him about where the money went, penny by penny. 

Post # 7
2826 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2017 - Courthouse

View original reply
sassy411 :  Do you know what that money was going to? Would your husband go into it with you? 

If your bills are already being paid, there’s no reason for that large of a chunk of money to go missing. How long has it been since you checked the account? 

The whole thing is weird. I think he’s either hiding something or he is just terrible with uncontrollable spending. 

Post # 8
4986 posts
Honey bee

What’s he spending it on? I’d be more concerned about that. Then just close the account and put it into one that he can’t access. You mention dementia, how old is he? Has he had any TBI?

ETA It’s vicious, not viscous. Viscous is a thick liquid. Although it could be argued that your liquidity is what’s at stake here…

Post # 9
2000 posts
Buzzing bee

My first reaction is drugs, gambling or cheating. I don’t know how else you can spend $4,000 with nothing to show for it and have no idea where it went.  

Post # 10
849 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

Are you saying he is transferring money from your joint savings account into your joint checking account? And he is saying it’s to cover bills/daily expenses? 

Post # 11
662 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2016

Serious question: Does he play Fortnite? I have heard horror stories about people going bankrupt playing that game. Apparently all of the “upgrades” that give you advantages cost buttloads of money, so maybe he has been doing something like that.

Post # 12
7897 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

$40?- sure. $400- maybe. $4000?- nope. Something fishy is going on here.

Post # 13
3084 posts
Sugar bee

View original reply
sassy411 :  Did you ask to see his checking account?

I would be comparing the incoming and outgoing to see where the money has been going! Everyone can over spend here and there without realizing but $4k? Idk man… 

If this was to do with early dementia, hopefully he just double paid bills? Hope its nothing ti do with his health and that gets sorted xx 

Post # 14
1122 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

Did you outright ask what he needed the money for and what he spent it on? I would figure that out first.  This is very strange. I would be angry about the lying (or rather omitting the truth) as well.  

Post # 15
2486 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

View original reply
sassy411 :  OMG, I would legit stab a fool.

Finances and financial transparency are a high-priority item in our relationshiop and there is no assuming/guessing/thinking/wondering involved. You log in, check the account, get your answer. Ask your partner for clarification on anything that doesn’t add up. 

What he did is dishonest and irresponsible. And that type of deflection and shifting of responsibility is one of my biggest annoyances. Did he transfer the money and immediately withdraw cash or make a payment with his debit card? When did this start and how long has it been going on? I would be LIVID if my spouse did this. If it’s dementia related, you may want to limit how much is in your joint accounts and take over all account/payments. Maybe set up a separate account for paying bills, savings, direct deposit, etc. and put a few hundred in “his” account each month. I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this. 

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