Post # 1
Hello ladies! Well I need some advice and to vent a little. My SO and I have been together for about a year and a half. Some time in December we had our first “when should we get engaged” talk. He said that he needed some time to sort out some things in his life and get a little more financially secure. We had talked about moving in together when his lease is up at the end of May. I have always said that I wanted to be engaged before moving in together. So here I am thinking, ok he’ll use these six months to get his stuff together and then we’ll get engaged and move in together. Well, of course it’s not that easy. So yesterday SO informs me that 1) His landlord will not let him go month to month after his lease is up, which he originally said he would. and 2) SO feels like he needs to go to counselling before getting engaged so that he can resolve some issues he has regarding marriage. He was previously married and has some battle wounds from that.
So now I’m certain an engagement won’t be happening before the end of May, which is totally fine. If he needs time and counselling, then I’m all for it. I’m just upset because I feel like I’m stuck. His lease is going to be up and he has to find somewhere else to live. He can either get another year lease somewhere else which means we won’t live together for another year and financially isn’t a great option because I own my house and so we’d be wasting rent money for him or move in with me before we’re engaged. Ugh! I’m not happy about either choice.
So what should i do?
Post # 3
@SapphireRose: we’d be wasting rent money for him
I know what you mean…. He had 6 months to get his act togethrer and he didn’t. Now it’s your decision to wait another year or not.
Post # 4
I can see your point, however me and my Fiance have lived together well before being engaged. It was more of a slower transition and not a drastric move in though. He is a police officer about 45 min from my home and he had a courtesy (free) apt in the same city he works in. Over time, he has slowly moved in. It just made more sense to us, but we also both knew that we wanted to get married long before hand. I would sit and talk with him about it…like as soon as possible. That way you dont feel trapped or obligated to have him live with you and also so you won’t possibly resent him further down the road. Good luck!
Post # 5
Oooh that’s tough! My Fiance and I lived together for about a year prior to engagement. If your SO has possible commitment issues due to a past marriage you may want to try and understand what those issues are first (if you don’t already). Living together would create a life that would pretty much simulate marriage so you don’t want those issues to wreak havoc in your new living arrangement.
Have you thought about talking to him about couples therapy to see if the issues are something you can work out together rather than him having to deal with them alone?
Post # 6
I was in this boat as well; i didn’t want to live together before getting engaged, however we knew we would eventually get engaged just couldn’t right away (financial in our case) BUT we didn’t want to move in together only for financial reasons (knowing very well he’d practically live at my place so rent at his would be dumb)
however we ended up just doing it anyway and you know what? we loved it! now its been 2 years since then and we still get along great. We ended up getting engaged about 9 months after moving in together.
Post # 7
You said he has some issues he’d like to resolve before getting engaged. You may have a great relationship, but for him there’s some hold up. I suggest you don’t move in – what if his issues turn out to be bigger than you’re thinking and you never get engaged? I hope that’s not the case but you definitely should consider it as a possibility.
Post # 8
i tend to agree with ohmystars28 – there are too many stories about women being promised a proposal after they move in, only for that to go down the drain. if he wants to get counselling and sort out some issues, maybe it would be better in the long run if he can do that while living alone, because living with you might skew some things and make it more complicated for both of you. just my humble opinion! i’m sure you’ll decide on whatever is best for your relationship.
Post # 9
My Darling Husband and I lived together for two years before getting married, and it was the best choice for us. We were in the same boat as you (we were not in a place that getting married was feasible/practical), but we didn’t want to waste money on two places. I don’t regret that whatsoever. We moved in together and got engaged shortly after, but even if we hadn’t gotten engaged so soon I would have still made the same choice. I do agree with PP who mentioned that you should look into all the issues he is having. However, IMO it is foolish to postpone moving in together simply because you aren’t engaged (if there are other issues that are more concerning, that’s a different story), especially when it is obviously going to waste money. Poor financial planning is no way to start the process of thinking about engagement/marriage.
Post # 10
I always told myself I would not live with someone beore an engagement and I did anyway because we had discussed that it would happen. I became very paranoid that he wouldn’t propose (it took 10 months after moving in). That paranoia probably made me a tad bit crazy. You have to decide what’s right for you and what you can handle! It’s worked out fine for us but that 10 months was a bit annoying!
Post # 11
Quote – because I own my house
If you let him move into your house, you will eventually become common-law spouses and he will own half the house…. consider this before letting him move into your house.
Post # 12
I voted neither, because I think it really depends on the situation.
In my case (and that of most of my friends) I lived with Fiance well before being engaged. In fact we were together almost 4 years when we moved out of state together, transferring colleges for FI’s school, and moved in together. We lived together 8 years, owned our home together 5, before even getting engaged. It worked for us, but it doesn’t work for everyone.
In your case, your Fiance has some issues he wants to work through regarding marriage. What are his issues? On one hand I’d suggest maybe he stays where he is while he works through his issues. There is always the possibility of finding somewhere that will do a 6 months lease. Then again, moving in might be a good thing. If he’s gun shy about marriage, it could be a good trail run.
Post # 13
Has he mentioned moving in with you? If not I think the best choice would be for him to live on his own. He seems to know that he needs a bit more time before he makes the step toward being engaged/married.
Post # 14
I think you need to have a “why” and “because” conversation. Explain to him why you are concerned living together before marriage– are you worried he’ll never proposed? Are you worried about mixing finances? Working through your concerns and his concerns can help you figure out what makes the most sense. For us, we aren’t combining finances until the wedding. It works for us.
Also, he can always find a short term lease. Don’t rush into something if you aren’t ready!
Post # 15
@happyface: When one person owns the home, that does become a concern, but there’s always co-habitational agreements…
I personally don’t see the big deal with living together before getting engaged. I actually think this is a good thing to do, that way you find out for sure that you can handle living with the person before making the next, more major committment of getting engaged. Dating and spending a lot of time together In My Humble Opinion is way different than living with someone, which is why Boyfriend or Best Friend and I decided to do it.
Yes it was annoying not getting the proposal after living together for a year like we discussed, but it’s not a huge deal, the same thing could have happened if we weren’t living together and had a timeline.
One thing to look into is your BF’s landlords obligations. I know where I live your landlord has to give you your new lease at least 3 months before the last one is due, and if they don’t then you can go month to month for up to the entire lenght of your previous lease. Boyfriend or Best Friend and I weren’t ready to move in when my lease was up and I had negotiated a 6 month lease with my landlord. She didn’t get me the lease papers on time, and when she gave them to me, she said I needed to do one year or nothing. I was hoping to live with Boyfriend or Best Friend in 6 months, so I went month to month. It pissed my landlord off, but there wasn’t much she could do about it since she didn’t get me my new lease on time, and as it was I had to call her like 4 times for it. So I went month to month and only had to give my landlord one month’s notice to move out. I ended up staying in my apartment for 5 months after my lease was up before moving in with Boyfriend or Best Friend.
Post # 16
Its great that he wants to work through those issues with a professional; he wants to be in the right place when he takes that next step with you, and that’s exactly how it should be. The timing really does suck, but I wouldn’t move in together too soon because of finances if he really does need some time to work through things.
He should look for a short term lease (I’m apartment hunting right now and I’ve seen lots of them, at least in my area), or look for a place that allows tenants to sublet or have someone take over the lease if they want to leave early. That way he’ll have the time he needs, but isn’t committed to a full year in a new apartment.