(Closed) Should we really be together? – Afraid…

posted 6 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
2255 posts
Buzzing bee

Aww, that can be very frustrating! It sounds like you two just have two totally different lifestyles. You are an extroverted person who wants to be up and out and doing all kinds of exciting new things and he’d rather come home after work and relax and have his downtime. You need to decide if this is workable or not. I’ll be honest–it doesn’t sound like you’ll be very happy for much longer. He sounds like a good guy–just not the right one for you. Maybe it’s time to take a break and see what’s out there? 

I’m sorry–it’s a difficult spot to be in and you’ve got difficult decisions to make. You need to think long and hard onwhat will make you happy and if you will start to resent him if he can’t provide that for you. 

You sound like a very sweet thoughtful person who deserves someone who shows that he apprecites that. I hope you find him! 🙂

 Sorry you’re going through this! ::HUGS:: 



Post # 4
2531 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

You sound like a person who likes “adventure,” but I’m not so sure about him… someone who likes adventure won’t sit themselves in front of a computer all dayor keep to themselves all the time.

School is tricky – my fiance and I met in college, in an intense work-heavy major, and our relationship got better after we got out – we were so happy we had the time to DO the things we’d been talking about for years. And we do them! Not every moment is exciting, but we always try to have our own adventures with what we can afford, or even just make sure we have a little fun every day.

If we got out of school and our relationship fizzled, I think I’d know it had run it’s course – even though it would be hard to admit.

I’m all for trying to make things work, but if you’re both fundamentally incompatable, it just won’t ever work.

I’m sorry this is so tough… I hope yu find the strength to keep you going, no matter if you decide to stay or go.

Post # 5
2254 posts
Buzzing bee

It sounds like you and your boyfriend aren’t compatible. 

Ending the relationship is probably the logical thing to do. You’ll be able to find someone who wants to live the way you want to live, and he’ll be able to do the same. 

There’s no need to agonize over a relationship with someone who isn’t suitable, or try to make it work. If you and he aren’t right for each other, end it. 

Post # 6
1489 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

I think your relationship with your SO has run its course.  It doesn’t sound like you and him are in the same place anymore, or are expecting the same things out of life or even have the same interests anymore at all. He seems complacent and like he takes you a bit for granted to be honest (the birthday dinner for example!).

He can be the nicest guy in the world, but if you are bored and unhappy in the relationship, then it is time to move on.  To stay in this relationship as it is will only continue to make you unhappy.  

Post # 7
723 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

I agree with the others here. Only thing I will add is that I wonder if he has checked out of the relationship & lacks the courage to end it, or maybe if he is depressed. The years after graduating college & transitioning into the “real world” are very difficult and can bring up a lot of emotional shit that very few people know how to deal with well. Do you two communicate about your emotions at all? It sounds like you are roommates most of the time. Do you have fun together? Do you feel excited to spend time with each other?

Post # 8
754 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

@Home_Sweet_Holmes:  my fiancé sounds kinda like the “I don’t know part”. If we’re going out then it is because I planned it etc… BUT some relationships are like that, even friendships. It is irritating at times but I would never give up what we have over it.  I had a BFF relationship and I was the one along for the ride. She planned the getaways…etc… And it was her role And we always had fun so…. I see it both ways. You may need to speak up. Seeing computer screen is obnoxious but tell him that. He is happy that way, you aren’t so make it happen the way you want. for example, I get in the habit of doing what’s easier (ie. eating dinner in front of tv) until I get fed up with the routine, then I make it known by speaking up and setting the dinner table and we eat there and talk. I think my fiancé is happy doing anything and I have to change it up but it wouldn’t be fair if I got upset about it UNLESS he was unwilling to sit at table with me. Ya know? It’s ok to sit him down and share your concerns and expect him to put effort in. Routines are great and can suck at the same time. Good luck!

Post # 9
2094 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

@Home_Sweet_Holmes:  The beauty of relationships is that our partners bring out, the very differences in all of us. That is what they are designed to do.

You are adverturous, your partner is not. But that doesn’t mean you need to end it. Far from it. It sounds like there needs to be balance with you both. You sound like you need balance with “sitting” still and your partner needs fire under his feet.

I think it’s time you both do some internal looking and seeing if you are willing stretch and bend to make this happen. Yin and yang are different, but complimentary.


By the way…this is very much me and my husband. Is it easy? Heavens, no. But I have so much to learn from him and he from me. We have a life to build together and lives are built overnight. I get so annoyed with him sometimes…I do. And he does with me! But we both are willing to stretch and go beyond our comfort zones.

This has taken therapy from us both. I don’t know if this is something you are willing to do…or him. But it’s worth a shot if you feel there is a real future here.

I’m not talking about abuse or other mistreatment…I’m talking about surface stuff. 

Deep down we have our personalities but things can shift…relationships are not supposed to be stagnant. They are supposed to be dynamic, changeable. I would be more concerned if a relationship didn’t ask me to change and grow. 🙂


Post # 10
774 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2013 - Dalhousie Castle

It sounds like you need to talk to him about how you feel. That’s the only way you can resolve the situation. Maybe you need to compromise a little. Have some days where there’s no plan and somedays where you go off on an adventure. 

Post # 11
579 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

@Home_Sweet_Holmes:  My dh is terrible at making plans, so I do all that just like you do. However, he doesn’t lack drive in his job, not sure if that’s different. I am more of a homebody than you but there are times I just can’t anymore and we have to go out but I’ve never considered ending things over it. My dh is often reading stuff online on his phone, when it really bugs me I just ask him to put it away, for him its how he relaxs after his stressful job. Hvae you guys discussed these things properly?

I have totally given up on my husband ever planning a getaway for us but that’s ok because I like doing it, I will send him a list of 5 ask him to help pick one and we discuss it and I book it because he would just never get to it. If you have to ask the question, you usually already know the answer, try talking to him, see how it goes but I think that you guys are just struggling a bit with adjusting from college to work.

Post # 12
34 posts
  • Wedding: January 2010

I think you should talk to him. But I don’t believe a relationship is over because things aren’t the same. Relationships are never stagnant. You two can’t be in the same place in life all the time. It just sounds like you’re tired of planning and initiating things while he just follows along. I’ve been there and it’s really a lot of pressure. But think about things he does for you. Or things you lack that he fills.

Women often feel unappreciated but never say “Hey I did this for you. i woukd like some effort on your part  to show that you appreciate it” sometimes we tell ourselves that we do it because we love someone so a thank you isn’t necessary and a thank you doesn’t mean anything when you have to remind someone to say it to you. But it’s okay to say. “Hey wth. You better say thank you and appreciate the hell out of that card!!” 

or say hey. I want you to plan something for date night next weekend. Some people might think this is demanding but I don’t know. I just think it’s easier to say I want this and this from you rather than lament on why he didn’t read my mind and do things on his own. If he continues to not meet you halfway even after you verbally express your needs then that’s a whole different story. 

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