(Closed) Living In Sin

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
6892 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: March 2012

First off, I’m sorry your mother is being this way about a decision you are making as an adult. Maybe it’s partly because she feels she’s losing you “before she has to” aka before you are married? I don’t know, sort of reaching with that one. I will say, my Fiance and I were and are one of those couples living together before marriage AND before engagement. By a lot actually! We lived together for almost 2 years before he proposed and have obviously continued to live together post-engagement. Some people fully support it and some do not.

It sucks that people feel they can judge situations they know absolutely nothing about typically. I’m glad you are sticking to your guns, and I’m glad to hear that you guys are planning on paying for the wedding yourselves because it sounds as if your mother would hold your “living in sin” against you if she were asked to contribute. Anyways…. I’ll answer your questions with my own opinions.

1) How do you think a couple should be together before engagement? How long do you think the engagement should be? What qualities do you think a couple should posess before embarking on marriage?  (I realize this is circumstancial and opinion)

I myself did not feel comfortable being engaged before the 2+ year marker. I am also younger than some other brides on here and older than some as well (early 20s). We were together over 3 years before getting engaged. I prefer engagements to be 8+ months but again, just my own preference. Ours will be a little over a year. Qualities? Committment, honesty, trust, stability (emotional, financial, otherwise), and independence from family in most cases. I dk. Lol

2) How much does family play a role in your life? Have their opinions ever influenced you?

Of course their opinions have influenced me, but not in a way I consider untrue to myself. I’m lucky in that my parents were supportive of Fiance and I moving in together because we were saving money (practical) and they were more comfortable and felt like I was safer (since we were 2 hours away). I have a huge family and lots of opinions in it…but I take them all with a grain of salt.

3) What’s your opinion on living with your partner before marriage?

๐Ÿ™‚ Obviously I approve. I think it’s great. You get a lot of the “tests” out of the way prior to a legal binding marriage. It works for some and not for others I guess, but if my future children want to live with someone they are in a serious relationship with I will support it 100%.

4) Do you believe in waiting for a certain age, or a certain amount in the bank account before marriage?

Nah, age and money are relative to people’s life experiences. I’ve met some really mature 18 year olds and some really immature 40 year olds. And money doesn’t equal a happy marriage, though money is a necessity. I think you should be independent to the best of your abilities – i.e. have a career in the works or at least a job, etc. Fiance felt strongly that he and I both be out of college before getting married, and we will be.

5) Anything else you’d like to add that maybe I’ve forgotten but seems relevant?

Nah. ๐Ÿ™‚ But I hope you feel better after ranting!

Post # 4
Member
6394 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2011

1) How do you think a couple should be together before engagement? How long do you think the engagement should be? What qualities do you think a couple should posess before embarking on marriage?  (I realize this is circumstancial and opinion)

I think that all depends on the couple. I believe they should have a solid foundation and know each other well before they either get engaged or live together.

2) How much does family play a role in your life? Have their opinions ever influenced you?

A ton, and all the time. 

3) What’s your opinion on living with your partner before marriage?

I think it’s great for some people, but Fiance and I aren’t living together before we get married.

4) Do you believe in waiting for a certain age, or a certain amount in the bank account before marriage?

I wouldn’t get married at 16, but I don’t think there’s an age where a light goes on and it’s time to get hitched. I don’t really think you have to have a certain amount of money before you get married, but I would definitely recommend being able to take care of yourselves.

5) Anything else you’d like to add that maybe I’ve forgotten but seems relevant?

I hope your mom backs off. My sister lived with her now-husband before they were engaged, and my mom freaked out. She now really loves him and we all get along really well. Hopefully the same thing happens with your mom. Stick to your guns, and she’ll see that you’re doing what’s right for you.

Post # 5
Member
7431 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2009

1) How do you think a couple should be together before engagement? How long do you think the engagement should be? What qualities do you think a couple should posess before embarking on marriage?  (I realize this is circumstancial and opinion)

My story – knowns hubs since I was 11, always hung out with the same friends, but never really true friends to each other. Lost touch for a couple years, ran into each other at a party when I was 20, been together ever since. Moved in when I was 21, engaged at 23, married at 25.

I really believe that every couple needs to agree that they both want the same things out of life, and if their values differ, they hve to be able to compromise. With us, I told hubs I didn’t want kids at all ever, and if he wasn’t ok with that, I didn’t want to marry him. Also, I dont’ believe in divorce, and infidelity is punishable by death! Slightly joking on that last statement, but we were both cheated on in our only other serious relationships, were hurt really badly, so I dont’ see this as an issue with us. I gave him so many reasons during our engagement to walk away if he wasn’t 100000% sure, and he never waivered. 

Our engagement was so long because I wanted to be as close to graudation from college as possible, we were 6 months out because we wanted an October wedding, and didn’t want to wait another year.

2) How much does family play a role in your life? Have their opinions ever influenced you?

Family plays a huge role, I was never a girl who could date someone my parents and friends didn’t like or approve of.  I take everyone’s opinions to heart, some with a grain of salt depending on the situation, but honestly, no one told us we weren’t perfect for each other.  We were the couple who got engaged and instead of congratulations, got “its about time!!!”

3) What’s your opinion on living with your partner before marriage?

For me, its a necessity. You dont’ truly know you are compatible with someone until you live with them, in my opinion. My parents were totally fine with it, and hell, we lived with my Father-In-Law for 4 years before marriage, so I woudl say he was ok with it too!

4) Do you believe in waiting for a certain age, or a certain amount in the bank account before marriage?

Totally agree with Amelia on this, she said it perfectly

5) Anything else you’d like to add that maybe I’ve forgotten but seems relevant?

I would sit down with your mom and have a heart to heart, and try to get the reason she feels this way .Some people are just old fashioned, and don’t get it. But if you feel strongly about living with him, then you need to voice that to her. At 23, I had to have surgery on my foot which had me on bed rest for a month. I stayed with my mom for 2 days, and then told her I had to go to hubs house. She was hurt that I didn’t want her to take care of me, but I told her that wasn’t the case, but I needed to know that he could take care of me. She understood, I went to his house, he took fantastic care of me, and that truly cemented in everyone’s head that we were adults, and could take care of each other if our parents weren’t around.  Maybe explain to your mom that you need to know you guys can make it on your own before you get married, and see if she can see it from your point of view

Post # 7
Member
6998 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 2011

1) How do you think a couple should be together before engagement? How long do you think the engagement should be? What qualities do you think a couple should posess before embarking on marriage?  (I realize this is circumstancial and opinion)

I don’t believe there is a set timeframe for these sorts of things, you know or you dont. I had been dating my Husband for about a year and half before we got engaged – my boyfriend before that, 3 years….and nothing came of it..so i think alot of it depends on the couple, and for me timing – but the difference between my husband and my ex boyfriend, and why we ventured down the road to marriage ? we want the same things in life, from kids to retirement…we talked about these things in depth, dreamt of them together – we were honest about finances and credit scores, things we needed to do to get to where we want to be. we were on the same page with (almost) everything and beyond that we loved being together.

2) How much does family play a role in your life? Have their opinions ever influenced you?

We are both really close with our families, its A LOT of the reason i fell in love with him, we both have the same outlook on family. BUT our families couldnt be more different. He comes for a very devout catholic family – he has 7 sisters and 5 brothers. I come from a catholic family as well. so check that off, but we didnt practice like them we are what we like to call C & E catholic. (christmas and easter) though growing up i spent a lot of time in the church.

My parents are much more laid back, I moved out when i was 18, supported myself and lived my own life, they knew they raised a good person so my choices were my choices – they loved my husband and could care less how i chose to live my life with him..My husbands parents were a different story, living together before marriage was completley frowned upon . So we hid it, i know its not the most moral thing to do, but really what choice did we have? we never actually got an apartment together until a few weeks before the wedding but for most of our engagement i basically lived at his house. His parents,  though not stupid, never said anything to us about it. I know he felt guilty, but in the end, we are engaged and we are going to do what we want – the catholic guilt kills him sometimes, but it never really affected me.

3) What’s your opinion on living with your partner before marriage?

Personally, i really pushed for a move before marriage but my husband was reluctant, even though i was staying with him (basically living there) all my stuff was in storage and i lived out of overnight bags and laundry baskets, slowly moving my stuff in there. Looking back im really glad that we waited to get our place until a few weeks before the wedding – even though i got a taste of what its like to live together it was exciting to move into OUR new place and coming home from our honeymoon to OUR new place. So looking back im glad we didnt move in togethe prior to getting married, though i never looked at it as livng in sin…times are changing.

4) Do you believe in waiting for a certain age, or a certain amount in the bank account before marriage?

i think if you wait on money to get married, to have kids, etc…you will never be ready – its easier to save as a couple than it is to save on your own. so no i wouldnt wait – i dont really think age matters either, when you know, you know – though i do cringe a little when i hear people who are 19 and 20 getting engaged – i really dont believe you know who you are yet, and you change alot in your early 20’s – that being said i do believe in true love and i do believe you can find it at a young age, but in my experience most people i see get married young usually find themselves drifting from their partner in their late 20’s. (i know that answer is a little flippy floppy but i hope you can see where im coming from)

5) Anything else you’d like to add that maybe I’ve forgotten but seems relevant?

follow your heart – think about WHY you want to marry this person – be true to yourself and don’t let other peoples opinions affect your relationship.

Post # 8
Member
5655 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2011

Sorry you’re dealing with your mother not being very nice. I could understand her thoughts of him being over so much if he’s staying the night.. otherwise he’s there helping care for you… <– Isn’t this what she would hope he would do as your husband?

As for the example you’re giving… I believe your mom to be right. And being your mother and not just an outside bystander she has a right, and responsibility to tell you that. It stinks but I think that it’s important to realize what we’re telling other around us with our actions. Perfect example: My SIL is having issues with her teenage son right now… she is worried about him getting involved with girls and possibly having the same life situations as she did… aka get a girl pregnant. WELL.. currently she is living with her long time bf, just had another baby, and isn’t “planning on” getting married anytime soon. Well.. even Darling Husband sees that this is a problem b/c How is she going to tell her son not to do something when she herself is currently doing it? <— Just a thought.

Again, sorry for the dicord in the family… now to anwer your questions =)

1) How do you think a couple should be together before engagement? How long do you think the engagement should be? What qualities do you think a couple should posess before embarking on marriage?  (I realize this is circumstancial and opinion)

I think that the 1st question here is really dependent upon the couple, but do believe that you should each know each others core values, beliefs, and life desires & goals (not all of course b/c some may not be known yet but basically where are each of you headed as a person) within the first 6mths into the relationship. It shouldn’t take too much longer to get engaged from here… maybe another 6mths to get a ring. As for qualities for marriage… to have the same core values and of course attraction to one another.

2) How much does family play a role in your life? Have their opinions ever influenced you?

My parents have always played a hefty role in my life b/c (well since becoming a young adult) I have respected their wisdom and points of view. My mom has been a great role model over the last few years and I know that the things she tells me aren’t just her “IMO” but things that can easily be seen as to how circumstances will play out. <– she’s generally right. lol

3) What’s your opinion on living with your partner before marriage?

I do not believe in coinhabiting before marriage. I believe that it is “playing house” without the commintment and do not see it as something that lines up with biblical belief. As God says he would NEVER tempt us or put us in a place of temptation (to have sex outside of the marriage covenant) & as a New Testament believer we are supposed to live lives that don’t even suggest involvement in sin. I don’t believe in the “compatibility” factor & believe that core values as opposed to “compatibility” should be the standard for marrying… b/c as long as 2 people hold the same value system (finances, family, duties, etc) they should be able to communicate through any issues that should arise through life. Also, it doesn’t matter how great a spouse is… how “compatible” you are.. there WILL be days that you just don’t like them… they’ll do SOMETHING that gets under you skin… just b/c we aren’t perfect.. so to base such a desicion on “compatibilty” when that emotionally isn’t stable/un-changing is a bit ridiculous to me

4) Do you believe in waiting for a certain age, or a certain amount in the bank account before marriage?

No…. I believe in a maturity level before marriage, which I’ve found doesn’t completely depend on age (I’ve seen some really immature old people lol) and I think that as long as you are diligent and wise with the money you do have then it shouldn’t be a problem. Especially since more money doesn’t fix money problems and even if you start with money, it’s likely that sometime through marriage you’re going to be tight for a season or need “more” <— this would not be reason for divorce so I don’t see it as reason to not marry. So long you’re actually a good stewerd of what you do have…. aka you pay your bills and aren’t blowing your money all the time lol

5) Anything else you’d like to add that maybe I’ve forgotten but seems relevant?

I’m a firm believer of a “list” to really write down… detailed.. and well thought out of what you would like in a spouse… husband & father for children. What does his character look like? What is his value system? What’s he thoughts/desires about making a home?… What do YOU need to be fulfilled in a marriage. <— If he doesn’t have this then don’t marry him… a lifetime is a long time to settle in areas that are important in your heart.

Post # 9
Member
655 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

1) How do you think a couple should be together before engagement? How long do you think the engagement should be? What qualities do you think a couple should posess before embarking on marriage?  (I realize this is circumstancial and opinion)

Honestly, I think you should be with someone at least 3+ years before getting engaged. The first year or so of a relationship is usually a pseudo-“honeymoon phase” where you both are lovey dovey and everything is perfect! Then after then, you have to learn how to fight/argue the RIGHT way, because no matter how right for each other you are, all couples fight. I think you need to find out if you can work things out with the bad, not JUST the good!

Fiance and I will have been together for 8 years by the time we get married!

I think you should be engaged for 12-18 months as well, as there are also so stressful parts of wedding planning that you need to work out with each other.

Qualities a couple should possess…understanding, compromise and being realistic about the fact that people change. The person you marry today will NOT be the same person in 10, 20 years. Our experiences change us, no way around it. You can’t fault someone for changing (“you’re not the man I married! wahhhh”) but you have to learn to change with them. Marriage is hard work, no question.

2) How much does family play a role in your life? Have their opinions ever influenced you?

My family plays a pretty big role in my life, especially my mom. Their opinions definitely influence me, but I also don’t agree with them on everything and they know it. At first they wanted us to wait until we were married to live together, but settled for us waiting until we were engaged.

3) What’s your opinion on living with your partner before marriage?

I don’t have a problem with it, but I think it is best for the relationship to wait until you have been together several years before you do. Like I said before, couples need to learn HOW to fight, and when you live together sometimes you don’t have enough space to get away from the fight. So I think you need to wait until you have reached a mature point in the relationships. I do not think you should live with someone within the first year or two of dating.

I started living with Fiance after we got engaged, after we had been dating for 7 years.

4) Do you believe in waiting for a certain age, or a certain amount in the bank account before marriage?

I believe until waiting until you graduate college ๐Ÿ™‚ Financial security is important too, but I don’t have a set number. Just that we can live comfortably. 

Post # 10
Member
28 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: July 2011

1) My FH and i were together (and a period of not together) since we were 16/17. So about 5 years now. this last time that We got back together,we waited for a year of ‘tests’ before talkig marriage. As far as engagement, dont go by me. I never wanted to be engaged for more than six months. Engaged in february getting married in july. as far as qualities, its definitely circumstancial. If it feels right and you know, go for it.

2) My family is very important to me. They have supported me so far but were against the idea if us moving in together back in august so we decided to postpone it until february.

3) Regardless of who I married, I always said I;d live with them first. Marriage is hard enough without adding learning how to live together. Its better to get that out of they way so you know if its possible to not kill one another.

4) We’re 21/22. He’s in the army and I’m in school not working. So neither were a factor for us. But we are stable enough that i dont have to work RIGHT away. I will be looking for a job as soon as this wedding madness is over.

Post # 11
Member
2442 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

Life happens.  It may be benefecial for you to rework your timeline.    

Post # 12
Member
10714 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2012

1) How do you think a couple should be together before engagement? How long do you think the engagement should be? What qualities do you think a couple should posess before embarking on marriage?  

I think the engagement can range from 2 months to 2 years it really makes no difference if you fit well =) shorter relationships may want to have a longer engagement though, but that’s just me. We got engaged at our 9 month mark but decided on a 17 month engagement.

2) How much does family play a role in your life? Have their opinions ever influenced you?

They influence my opinons about as much as an ant crossing my path, I’m making my own family now, I don’t see my mom asking my grandmothers opinion on everything. I try not to get too involved with my family if at all possibly, too much drama.

3) What’s your opinion on living with your partner before marriage?

A MUST! I’ve lived with a few guys… thank goodness I lived with my ex fiance before we got married… we worked well before he moved in but we clashed in a small space. My fiance now and I do better closer than farther apart (it’s really built our relationship)

4) Do you believe in waiting for a certain age, or a certain amount in the bank account before marriage?

No were paycheck to paycheck and most likely will be until my sons a bit older lol if we waited for money we’d never get married… I don’t think age means much either. It bothers me when people look down on young brides… or people that say they should finish school first… I’m 25 but I don’t plan to go to college, I still want to marry my love. =D

Post # 13
Member
1526 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2012

@runsyellowlites: Honestly, I think it’s great you believe in waiting untill after marriage to move in with your husband, but I also think it is completely uncalled for to say the way someone else makes a decision is “ridiculous.”  Wanting to be compatible with someone before you move in with them is completely understandable and not ridiculous in the least.  You were asked to give your opinion in the situation not put down other peoples perspectives.  There are many rude things people could say about your decision making process and I’m sure you wouldn’t appreciate it. So, please think before you label someone else’s perspective “ridiculous.”

Post # 14
Member
939 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

1) How do you think a couple should be together before engagement? How long do you think the engagement should be? What qualities do you think a couple should posess before embarking on marriage?  (I realize this is circumstancial and opinion)

In my specific case, Fiance and I had been together for a year and a half, and had known each other two years when we got engaged. and i think a year or so for an engagment is good, but really its a personal choice.  We will have been enagaged 20 months when we get married because I want a fall wedding and there wasn’t enough time  for this year. 

2) How much does family play a role in your life? Have their opinions ever influenced you?

Hmm. this is a tough one.  My parents have never really meddled in my life, per se.  They always let me do pretty much anything i wanted, I don’t think they ever really told me “no.” (on important personal decisions i mean) But then, I don’t think ive ever wanted to do anything crazy.  My parents are very “it’s your life, do what you want, make your own mistakes, learn from them” kind of people. 

3) What’s your opinion on living with your partner before marriage?

Fiance and I are currently living together.  There was no real discussion about moving in together, it just kinda happened.  he started spending more and more nights here and left more and more clothes here, lol.  then he started helping with rent and such..etc.. 

4) Do you believe in waiting for a certain age, or a certain amount in the bank account before marriage?

No, I don’t.  Age isn’t so much important as maturity.  I know this is an extreme example, but a few nights ago i was listening to the radio (Deliliah) and this woman called in to talk about her husband.  Her mother let her get married when she was 14 (crazy! i know) and they were still together and celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. (i realize they are very lucky everything worked out, and it’s not a common situation at all)

as for money, if we waited for that we would never get married lol.  We are so poor!  But we get by.  We save little by little for our wedding and also little by little for a savings account. 

5) Anything else you’d like to add that maybe I’ve forgotten but seems relevant?

Don’t let anyone tell you how to live your life.  Even if you don’t make the best decisions, you’re allowed to make mistakes.  Nobody is perfect.  “Let he among us without sin be the first to condemn (La Vie Boheme!)”

Post # 15
Member
176 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

1) How do you think a couple should be together before engagement? How long do you think the engagement should be? What qualities do you think a couple should posess before embarking on marriage?  (I realize this is circumstancial and opinion)

I think it depends a lot on age but probably at least a year or 2. It’s not something you enter into lightly! Once you’re engaged I’m all for marrying within 1-2 years but obviously it depends on finances and other circumstances. My main point is that you get engaged with the intention of getting married, not with the intention of just being an engaged couple until further notice.

2) How much does family play a role in your life? Have their opinions ever influenced you?

Family is extremely important but you are also your own person and you will be creating a new family when you marry your husband, so at the end of the day I think you have to make your own decisions. While you’re living with your parents I think they tend to have a greater influence. Try to include them and work through differences of opinion, rather than shutting them out wherever possible.

3) What’s your opinion on living with your partner before marriage?

I personally don’t agree with it. I don’t want to live with a man I’m not married to. If I’m ready to live with him for the rest of my life then I’m ready to marry him. Just my opinion though, I know everyone is different. Keep in mind that it’s more traditional not to move in before marriage and therefore our parents probably have stronger feelings on the subject. Do what is right for you but they are not totally out of line with how they feel. It would be hard for them to watch a child do something they don’t agree with, but it really is your decision.

4) Do you believe in waiting for a certain age, or a certain amount in the bank account before marriage?

I think everyone has their own “certain age” that they aspire to. But it is more about maturity and being ready in the relationship. Money is important but not the most important thing.

5) Anything else you’d like to add that maybe I’ve forgotten but seems relevant?

No, but good luck with everything! I know how hard it can be to have family members not supporting you.

Post # 16
Member
466 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

1a) However damn long they feel comfortable 1b) However damn long they feel comfortable! lol. My partner and I were shacked up for 6 YEARS before getting engaged and our engagement is 14months long.

2) Family are important, but they do not rule me. My side is pretty cruisy. Dad is Christian, Mum is more ‘spiritual’ but neither placed any restrictions on us. In fact they were happy we moved out early! His parents are the same but as far as I can gather they are both agnostic so are zero religious background to judge us with.

3) I think that for us, it was a good thing. We started dating when I was 17 and moved in at 18. We grew up together and I feel spending those years just scraping buy, learning to budget, look after each other, learning how to communicate etc formed a very solid base for our future marriage. We can now say with 100% certainty that we and our relationship are ready for marriage. However I know plenty of people who didnt live together and got married within a year of dating and they are doing fine.

4) No i dont think there is a particular age. Its whenever you both feel is the right time… if in the end in hindsight it wasnt the best idea, well at least you can say you gave it a go and learnt something in the process. My partner and I are very financially secure, I am 24 and he is 27, we have both travelled extensively, bought shiny cars etc marriage is just the next stage of our journey together. We didnt wait until we could afford it, we just waited until we had travelled, studied etc

5) At the end of the day you only have one life to live and you need to do the best you can to wring as much out of it as possible. If that means moving in, then move in! Dont let some antiquated rule book guilt you into thinking you are a bad person for wanted to live with your partner! You only live once! 

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