(Closed) Living in the shadows of Brother and SIL

posted 7 years ago in Family
Post # 3
1826 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: December 2013

I think you need to tell your parents exactly what you have written here. If not this resentment could continue to grow.

Post # 5
1826 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: December 2013

It’s hard but it can’t turn into a screaming match if you don’t let it. If they get loud just ask them calmly to discuss with you not to yell and if they don’t then you need to leave the conversation and tell them when they can talk to you like an adult then you will be available. I’ve been through this myself and have learn to disengage from arguments with my mother this way.

Post # 6
847 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2015

@Luayne:  Yeah, and your brother and SIL. 

Post # 7
816 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

I’m kinda in the same boat as you.  I might not be much of help but know you are certainly not the only one.  I have a wedding to plan and my mom goes on about my brother and his wife having a baby.  I’ve always known my brother was the favorite one in the family and I’ve tried to have discussions with my mom about that but it never panned out very well.  Especially if they are having a kid, your parents are most likely in grandparent mode (I’m going to be a grandma I can’t wait! etc. etc. etc.).  I’ve come to accept it and realize there is nothing I can do.  If however, you feel there is a chance just say something in a very calm voice.  Tell them that you are excited for the news of your brother and SIL but you feel a bit sad because your engagment party was something very special that you wished to share with them because, in the end, it will be one of the most important memories of your lifetime.  If you are concerned that this could happen come the wedding day explain that to them, that you wish to have this special day that you will remember with them by your side.  It may work, but if it doesn’t know that you did you can only do what you have control over and that does not include your parents behaviour.

Post # 8
642 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2013

Deffinately talk to your parents! And be blunt.

I know exactly how you feel… my Fiance and I have been over shadowed by his brother for 5 years, because his brother was in an accident and is in a wheel chair now.

Except for us it is not just his parents, its EVERYONE.  The whole damn town.

But, ya..his mom and I never got along that well because I did not agree with her being so (not sure which word I looking for lol) umm into her other son, and act like Fiance wasnt important at all.  Anyway she passed in November, I never told her how I felt. I never will get to now. 

Dont resent your family, they may honestly not realize what they are doing.  And talk to your brother too! He sounds like he is trying to one up you. Not cool.

Post # 9
2622 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

I would talk to your brother first

Remember when you asked my Fiance to hold off on the proposal so you and SIL can enjoy the wedding and being in the spotlight. I would like to ask you to do the same thing for me.

I know you have a lot of exciting things going on, but do you think you could hold off announcing or talking about them too much on the specific days we have wedding festivities? I was a bit upset when our engagement party was cut short when you called dad about the house. I know you didnt do it purposely, but I would like the same courtesy that we extended to you around your wedding.

Post # 10
1900 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

I second the walking away if it starts to turn into a screaming match. Another way to try and stop them getting defensive is to try and say how you felt about an event, rather than what you thought or how you interpret their actions or what they should have done. For example “I think it’s unfair that you left in the middle of our engagement party, and you should have stayed,” is way more likely to get their back up than “Fiance and I felt hurt when you guys left early on our special day. We had been hoping for some quality time with you and fiance’s parents.” No one can argue with feelings without sounding a real dick – everyone has feelings, no one can control them, and everyone has every right to their feelings, so if you’re feeling hurt or upset, that’s okay.

Another thing to possibly keep in mind is that, unless you’re brother and SIL are absolutely witches (with a capital B), I highly doubt they planned to break this news to your parents simply to hurt you or steal attention from you.

Post # 11
668 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

@ThreeMeers:  +1

Your brother should at least understand since he asked you for the same courtesy. And that’s all you are asking for, courtesy. However if they ARE pregnant, she will probably be due around August, which looks like is when your wedding will be. That’s going to be tough. Try to keep in mind the fact that THEIR lives do not have to affect YOUR happiness. I know it’s easier said than done, but if you decide in your own mind that whate they do has no affect on your happiness that might help.

Post # 12
9026 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

@ThreeMeers:  The engagement party wasn’t cut short. Both sets of parents and the OP and her Fiance were having tea and coffee afterwards opening presents. Maybe the brother didn’t even know that it was happening. Besides which wouldn’t it be the OP’s parents who are to blame and not the brother and his wife for cutting the party short. I think the OP’s anger here is misplaced. The brother did nothing (aside from asking the OP’s Fiance not to get engaged during their wedding which the OP and her Fiance could have refused to do) and everything that the OP is angry about was done by her parents.

Also the pregnancy wasn’t announced. The brother and his wife told his parents who told the OP. We don’t know if the brother even gave permission for the news to be spread.

OP I honestly think this is your problem to work through. No one is stealing your thunder because there is no thunder to steal. Your brother proposed to his then girlfriend on her birthday which is a pretty good birthday present right. Where you angered bythis because the spotlight wasn’t on you? Stop worrying about other peoples actions and start worrying about your own before you turn into the type of bride that a lot of people do not like.


Post # 13
255 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: January 2014

If you think a possible pregnancy announcement upstaged your engagement party, just WAIT until August. When everyone should be talking about your wedding, she’ll be about ready to pop. Baby vs wedding…sounds like the competition is going to get way, way worse. Be prepared…

Oh…and I’d totally nip this in the but now by expressing your hurt feelings to those who caused them. Otherwise, the resentment will poision every aspect of your planning process. 

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