Living Situation

posted 2 years ago in Beehive
Post # 31
2182 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

They did not live rent free in OP’s MIL’s house. They lived in their own house (co-owned by OP’s husband) while the Mother-In-Law voluntarily lived elsewhere. At this point, I would first save money, then have your husband buy his mother out and then put a downpayment on a more modest home. It can be a starter home until you are better settled financially and can afford something bigger.

Post # 32
338 posts
Helper bee


View original reply
mimivac :  co-owned but not named in the mortgage? Mother-In-Law pays the mortgage by herself according to OP without any help. They lived rent free and only paid bills, and that $30k renovation. I think more than fair for a 3BR house in Queens.


Post # 35
5573 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2017

If you can’t afford to live on your own, how were you going to afford a $900k house?

Post # 37
1630 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2018

View original reply
annharrich :  You are doing this all backwards.  You don’t decide what you want and then work backwards, you figure out your budget (with some give for emergencies) and then figure out what you can afford from there. 

I’m sorry, but you also need an attitude adjustment. Your Mother-In-Law didn’t leave you to “pay all the bills” at the current house, you were the only ones living there, of course you paid your own bills!  The reno’s sound like entirely your choice, which was a stupid financial decision.  You should have saved that money for your own downpayment if you didn’t want to live in this house and didn’t want the option of your Mother-In-Law moving back in. 

Mother-In-Law can work and date, so it doesn’t sound like she’s a lonely vulnerable old woman, and she sounds like a fairly nice Mother-In-Law. 

What culture is your husband and Mother-In-Law from?  Is it one where it’s expected that the parents move in when they can no longer look after themselves? 

I think you need to talk to your husband and see what he wants to do, and have him talk to Mother-In-Law about what her expectations are, since the house is allegedly co-owned.  It will also be good to figure out how much each person legally owns of the house, since your husband paid the whole mortgage for a little while but now your Mother-In-Law pays the whole mortgage. 

Depending on what everyone wants (this isn’t only your decision) I would suggest the following:

1. Figure out your current budget with your current downpayment minus a couple of months wages for an emergency funds and repayments you could afford on only your wage (since your husbands mental health issues means you can’t guarantee he will be steadily employed in the near future) Then look for houses/apartments in that price range.  If you can’t find anything in that range, you will need to either look further out, or save for longer.  Depending on who owns what with the house and how much has been paid by your husband VS your Mother-In-Law, you may need to also contribute to that mortgage.

2.  Discuss with Mother-In-Law the possibility of selling the house and pooling your resources to figure out what your combined budget will be.  See if you can buy a place with a separate living quarter or otherwise laid out for multi-generational living, for Mother-In-Law.  

Post # 38
4912 posts
Honey bee

You say he is in the mortgage, but is he on the title?  The title is what determines ownership.  If he is just a cosigner of the mortgage, he may not be on the title and then he has zero ownership rights (which means you need to stop all talk about what “we” should do with the house because you have jack-sh*t).

And if it is joint, then you are stuck unless mom fully agrees.  And it doesn’t sound like she does, so welcome to adulthood where you need to stop foolishly pissing your money away on dinners and vacations and renovations on homes you neither fully own nor want to even live in, stop acting entitled to things you don’t fully own (or possibly own at all) or entitled to mom bailing you out and funding your lifestyle. The fact of the matter is you will likely need to compromise something…whether it is where you live to buy or rent something more affordable while you save or waiting longer until you save your money.

Post # 39
7341 posts
Busy Beekeeper

Save for a down payment and save to be able to pay your bills if DH needs to take another break from working and you have to survive on your income alone. Be smart, Bee. We all want things, but often have to wait until we can have them or have to take steps (starting with a not “perfect” house) to get to where we want to be (better house). 

RE: your Mother-In-Law — what does your DH think about her living with you forever? That’s a lot to sign on for…

Post # 40
568 posts
Busy bee

You make 240k and live rent free. Why the heck would you need your MILs money for a down payment? Stop mooching off your mother in law and move to your own house like the grown adults that you are.

Post # 41
614 posts
Busy bee

– Consider the $30K you’ve spent on renovations as rent for the time you’ve been living in your mil’s house. Not the greatest financial decision but if your husband does truly co-own the property then at least it’s a long-term investment in his property.

– Set your sights on a house you can afford. My dream house would also be $900K but that’s just not in the cards for us right now. In the short term, decide whether or not you can live with his mom while you save for this house or if you need to move out and pay rent. Personally my in-laws drive me crazy just visiting them for an afternoon so living with them was a non-option, even if it meant buying a house would take longer.

– You are not required to live with your mother-in-law because she is widowed. My mom was widowed three years ago and while it was very hard at first to leave her alone or picture her home by herself, eventually everyone got used to the new normal. Living with your in-laws is not something that should be taken lightly. It can put a lot of stress on a relationship. Make sure you and your husband are on the same page about this, though, as some cultures (or people in general) have strong feelings about generations living together, taking elderly parents into your home, etc.

ETA – Your husband missing a year of work due to anxiety is a big deal. My husband also struggled with anxiety/depression in his early/mid-20s which affected his job performance. It is not really any of our business why your husband’s anxiety was so bad that he couldn’t work for a year or what changed that now makes you confident he can remain gainfully employed. I would say, though, that you should make sure he’s being treated by professionals. And I would probably hold off on making major financial commitments until you’re sure he can be a reliable earner, unless you can afford to make the payments on your own salary.

Post # 42
3833 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: April 2017

Your Mother-In-Law was paying the mortgage while you were living there without her. Consider the renovations as your rent/monetary contribution toward the house. Plus if you do end up selling it, you will get some of the money back due to increasing the property value. 

Borrowing money from your Mother-In-Law for a down payment seems like a bad idea. If she and your husband own the house together and neither of them seem to want to keep it, why can’t they sell it together and split the proceeds, so you both have down payments for other places? 

As for living with her, no you don’t have to do that just because she is by herself. It’s true that she may need help when she’s older, but that’s a bridge you can cross when you come to it. Perhaps she could just live near you, or you could even look for a house with a separate granny flat sort of set up. 

Post # 43
655 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2017

I’m struggling to believe in this post.  How can anyone actually be so entitled? To make $20000 a month (average lifestyle 🤣🤣🤣) and spend it all on dinners  & vacations and basically mooch off an older relative in a house she pays for; then consider that they have the right to sell the house and turf the old dear out. If the husband is supposedly a co-owner, he should have been paying half the mortgage all the time. OP sounds like a golddigger and husband sounds like a flake… an argument sees him jump on a plane and run overseas?? Wtaf.

The whole thing makes zero sense.

Post # 44
5917 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: July 2018

It’s so bizarre to me that you felt ownership over the house to such an extent that you decided to do 30k of renovations while his mom was paying the mortgage! Wasn’t that the give away that it wasn’t yours? That mom was paying the mortgage even though she wasn’t staying there?

And now you have the nerve to bitch about not wanting to live with her and all sharing one bathroom while you live with her to save up a down payment because you have wasted all your money! Your joint income is 240k so aren’t in the position of not having a downpayment because you have spent 30k on renovations, you don’t have a down payment because you’re terrible with money.

Also there’s one thing you haven’t been clear on, did you even ask Mother-In-Law if you could do the renovations to her house? Or did you just start ripping it apart?

Post # 45
2898 posts
Sugar bee

Why were you blowing money on vacations, renos, and dining out if your husband wasn’t working?!!?

You guys really need to talk to a financial planner!!!

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