(Closed) Living together before a proposal?

posted 5 years ago in Proposals
Post # 2
Member
1829 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2018

I live with my SO. I think want to live with my partner to make sure we are compatiable before making that step. 

Post # 3
Member
2168 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2017 - Hogarths, Solihull

View original reply
lolabee1986:  My mum told me to always live with a guy before you commit. She says she’d never have married my Dad if she’d have lived with him first (they’re now divorced).

IMO, you don’t truly know someone until you live together. Spending a lot of time together isn’t the same as having to pay the bills together, sort out food shopping, who cooks, who cleans etc. etc.

We got together quite young, so our timeline is quite spread out, but this is how it has happened for us:

April 2008 – Met and started dating

April 2013 – Moved in together (Renting)

June 2014 – Bought a house together

Sept 2015 – Got Engaged

April 2017 – Will get married

 

I don’t think us living together particularly impacted on the timeline of the proposal. We were both on the same page beforehand and once he could afford a ring, he bought one. He proposed within 2 weeks of picking it up too (although I didn’t know he had it)

 

ETA. We also work together so we’re actually together pretty much 24/7. It was VERY important that we knew we could handle being around each other that long!

  • This reply was modified 5 years, 5 months ago by stephisaur.
Post # 4
Member
1098 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: February 2016

Have to agree with PPs… Personally, I would want to live with someone before committing. You really learn whether or not you’re compatible after a year of living together! My first serious relationship lasted 2 years, then ended 3 months after we moved in together. We were not compatible. I’m glad I learned that sooner, rather than later!

Post # 5
Member
205 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2018

I see the value in living together first, but scientific research actually finds that people who live together before marriage are more likely to get divorced, even controlling for religion and socioeconomic class.  So, as a scientist, I’ve flat-out refused to live with my FH before we get married (with the exception of next month, which is just because my lease ends early, then I’m moving out again).  

I think the value in living together before you get married can be obtained by communicating openly with each other.  Talk about how you would resolve problems, who would do what chore, how you feel about bills and finances.  A lot of people don’t talk to their SOs, then get married and are surprised to find they don’t really know them.

I don’t think there’s really a bad choice either way, though.  A lot of this is going to depend on who you are as a couple, how you communicate, and what your personal desires are.  

If you want to move in with him, then you should, and don’t let anyone make you feel bad for it.  If you don’t, then don’t, and don’t let anyone shame you for that either.

Post # 6
Member
6355 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2016

My husband and I went like this:

Started dating –> Moved in together @ 2 years –> Proposed @ 4 years –> Married @ almost 5 years

This timeline worked out perfectly for us. However, I always knew I would want to live with someone BEFORE marrying them anyway. I feel like you learn so much more about a person once you live under the same roof. My husband and I were much like you and your SO in that before moving in we pretty much spent every single day and night together already. We honestly thought living together wouldn’t be much different. We were wrong. I’m SO GLAD we moved in together before a proposal/marriage. The first 6 months were kind of rough. But we worked through a lot of issues that way and really learned more about each other (how to split up bills, cleaning routines, etc.). Looking back, I wouldn’t have done it any differently.

Post # 7
Member
880 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

Honestly, do what you feel best for you.

But my timeline:

Start dating

6mo later, I move closer to him, but still have my own place, but like you, we are at each other’s places nearly every night and the entire weekend.

a year after that (so 1.5yrs in), he moves into my place.

at 3.5y, we start looking for houses to buy (omg, I never expected it to be so awful!)

at 4y, we get engaged! We close on a house in about 2 weeks, and wedding is currently planned for June 2017.

For us, it worked. Fiance had some growing up to do (I’m way more responsible with finances), and the time together before the engagement was crucial to make sure we could work together long term.

Post # 8
Member
3791 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

View original reply
lolabee1986:  I really wanted to get engaged before we moved in together, as I was giving up a lot and knew that this was it… just felt like this would have been the confirmation that everything was going where it should. I had to sell my condo and find a new home for my cat (DH is very allergic, and THIS was a tough decision for me).

In the end, I did end up moving in with him before we got engaged, which was actually a year after he first asked me if I wanted to… so my decision. We had been dating for almost 3 years at this point. I started moving stuff over and I put my condo on the market. So, I wasn’t really living there anymore (had already found a GREAT home for my cat). But, my house took 2 months to sell (after some buyers backed out), but once that happened, we were engaged 4 months later.

He did tell me it would happen after we lived together, and it helped once my place sold and his bills decreased since I was helping to pay them – we paid our own stuff still until it sold. I also had a few breakdowns regarding the topic, as I was sick of waiting, ha. I will admit it wasn’t my best, but I was frustrated.

I had never lived with a guy prior to this. DH had lived with a previous Girlfriend before me. They dated a year, he bought the house (where we live) and they lived together there for a year, then she moved out but they stayed together… and eventually broke up.

Post # 9
Member
540 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

Well my DH and I, as people with common sense, decided to move in together before getting engaged because ponying up $5K+ in the form of 2 Bay Area rent payments (at that time, I know it’s even worse now) seemed ridiculous. I wouldn’t trade that experience for the world. SO GLAD we lived together first. We’ve known each other for 18 years, been together for 6 and married for almost 2.

Playing house while we were dating was super fun. Living together as an engaged couple for almost 2 years was a dream, and obviously living together as a married couple has been wonderful! I think it’s really easy to armchair quarterback these types of life decisions. I have friends who’ve tried sticking to their guns and not moving in first based on principle or a study they read and you know what? Every single one of them eventually changed their minds. Living together is just more practical – financially, logistically, etc. It will also open your eyes to what life is actually like living with this person so you can be better equipped to thoroughly think through whether or not you really want to spend the rest of your life together. Hopefully that answer is yes!

Post # 10
Member
2156 posts
Buzzing bee

View original reply
lagavulin:  I’d like to see a study about HAPPINESS, not just divorce rates. I dgaf if someone is still married if theyre miserable. it could very well be that those who move in after marriage are less likely to get divorced not because they’re happy, but because they feel trapped, etc. Not saying this IS the case, but that just knowing the divorce statistics is hardly enough to sway me. 

Fiance and I moved in together before the proposal. But we had a serious discussion about where we saw the relationship going and both agreed that it was riding the marriage train. I wouldn’t move in with someone just for shits and giggles. 

Post # 11
Member
1271 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2016

I lived with my Fiance for 2 years before he proposed and i dont regret a single moment. I knew I had to know what it would be like to share a life with him, before i could decide whether i wanted him to be my husband. This may sound wierd but what if he had habits in the home that just didn’t work with my habits? (aka if he was a sloppy person, leaving the bathroom a mess…etc). Its better to know that before you are engaged and planning a wedding with someone. 

Post # 12
Member
81 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: November 2017

I felt the exact same as you. My (then) boyfriend and I were together a year and a half when he bought a house and I moved in. We lived together for a year before he proposed last month.

I always thought I couldn’t live with anyone before we were engaged, because I thought nothing would really change once we actually did get engaged but I was wrong. 

He mentioned renting a place together before he bought but I told him I wouldn’t waste money renting when we could be saving for our home together. So we waited and bought then spent time renovating and making it our home and I don’t regret that decision at all.

Post # 13
Member
1939 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

Personally, I wanted to wait until we were engaged to move in together offically. He had stayed with me on and off a couple of times while his family moved and I was in college, like months at a time so I got an idea of what it was like to live with him, which was helpful, but I didn’t want to sign a lease on a place and commit to living together until we were engaged. That is what worked best for us but everyone’s situation may be different. 

Post # 14
Member
713 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2015 - On a Cliff Overlooking the Bay, Florida

View original reply
lolabee1986:  We lived together before getting engaged. Personally i couldn’t do it if we didn’t live together You REALLY get to kow someone when you are living with them. Yes you can stay the night but actually live daily there is a big difference plus you get to know each others querks and get set in a daily routine.

Post # 15
Member
4464 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: December 2014

I’ve done it. Twice. I moved in with my ex after a year and we live together over 5 years. We never got engaged and we broke up, though I don’t know that it had anything to do with living together. My now-husband moved in with me after 6 months and we were engaged less than 6 months later. 

I think that it is useful to live together before you get married, whether that is before or after getting engaged. I don’t believe that living together before marriage causes a higher divorce rate, I think that is a correlation related more to the type of people that tend to live together vs the type of people that tend to wait. 

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