(Closed) Living together before a proposal?

posted 4 years ago in Proposals
Post # 61
Member
155 posts
Blushing bee

I’m not sure if anyone else has mentioned this but the old research on living together before marriage = more likely hood of divorce has been revisited. It appears the older research left out an important factor…AGE! http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/03/11/divorce-cohabitation-stud_n_4936928.html

From my experience, I lived with my fiance prior to getting engaged. Prior to doing it, we had long talks about where the relationship was going. We both decided that marriage was our ultimate goal (although we weren’t all the way ready at the time). We got engaged a year and a half later. 

Living together was such a wonderful thing for us. We knew each other well prior but it became so much deeper now that we live together. We had so many conversations about mundane things that happen when you move-in like: chores, shopping, and money. The money talk is SO important. 

Remember of couple of things: 1) you both should still have your personal space. A man-cave or lady-cave (if you can afford it) are important, 2) You both should feel comfortable in your new place. My Fiance and I went shopping together for gender neutral decor, and 3) talk about expectations before. 

I did have one rule that I strongly believe in. I will not buy a house with a boyfriend. Renting is fine but we try and not entangle ourselves legally prior to marriage. Good luck!

Post # 62
Member
50 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

We moved in together about 5 months after we got engaged and will have lived together about 6 months when we get married. I didn’t want to live together before making a commitment, especially in NYC where the rental market is crazy. It’s worked for us so far. Of course it was an adjustment but there weren’t any surprises that make me not want to marry him. However I am glad we moved in together before marriage because I wouldn’t want to go through the living together adjustment phase after I got married.

Post # 63
Member
580 posts
Busy bee

I didn’t really want to move in with my boyfriend at the time because I was worried I was going to end up being a live in girlfriend and i knew i wanted more from our relationship. After we talked and agreed this was towards marriage I did move in with him in 2014. We got engaged in October of 2015 and getting married October 1st, 2016 and have been together since October 2012. 

My fiancé and I didn’t even have an adjustment period when we moved in that’s how smooth everything went. I do ALL the cleaning and the laundry and don’t mind because he does help when I ask him. We split rent 50/50 and as for groceries and stuff we take turns picking up the $ 200 monthly bill. 

I think it’s good idea to move in together if you want marriage. I didn’t move in with my guy to test drive how living with him was. I already knew I wanted him! 

Good luck 

Post # 64
Member
455 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2016 - Hunting Hill Mansion

“I previously lived with a guy and it was a giant mistake that from the moment I moved in I knew it wasn’t going to last.”

Imagine how much harder it would have been on you to not only go through the motions of leaving him and moving out…. but also breaking an engagement (i.e. telling everyone and their mother who found out you were engaged that there won’t be a wedding anymore!). It’s definitely a lot easier to shrug and say, “Eh, things didn’t work out and we broke up.”

(Personally, whether you move in with or without a ring is fine, but I would never marry/buy a home with someone to whom I was not married.)

Post # 65
Member
45 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: May 2017

stephisaur:  We have a very similar timeline and story.  My mom had very often talked about making sure I live with someone before I get married or engaged because she was quite unhappy with who my dad turned out to be.  Me and my fiancé started dating when we were 14/15 years old and went to different colleges so we had about 5 years worth of long distance.  It was amazing to move back to the same city and move in together.  I will never regret it.  We were saving up to buy a house but he bought the ring once we had enough money for our down payment.

October 2007: Met, became close friends

March 2008: Started dating

August 2010: Began long distance

June 2015: Moved in together

April 2016: Bought a House

May 2016: He Proposed

May 2017: Will be married

Post # 66
Member
2626 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2017 - Hogarths, Solihull

amm6257:  looks like you’ve had a busy few months haha congratulations on the house and engagement! 🙂

We were lucky to have only done semi long distance. We were only 50 miles apart and we went to the same University although I was 2 years behind him so we never lived together, just spent some time together in my first year/his last year. 

Post # 67
Member
2626 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2017 - Hogarths, Solihull

Clove86:  glad to see you rented first. My cousin wanted to buy a house with his gf (who he isn’t really that into) because it’s ‘the next step’

I told him to rent if he’s serious and he told me it’s ‘dead money’

I told him it’s a lot cheaper than trying to get yourself out of a mortgage in the long run!

Post # 68
Member
221 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2018

samira86:  Well, of course; I think I actually mentioned that same caveat a few pages back.  

I think the age confound someone else mentioned is interesting, though – I bet that plays a large role, too.

My main point in bringing it up in the first place was that it’s non-obvious that *of course you should live together before marriage, you never really know someone if you don’t live together!!1!one!* that people tout so much.  It’s more complicated than that.  Decisions should be made off personal values and relationships with your partner.  But making a blanket statement that you always should or you will definitely get divorced–or that you never should or you will definitely get divorced–is inappropriate and not supported by data.  That’s all. 🙂

Post # 69
Member
9089 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

I would have never married my husband if I didn’t live with him first. You don’t truly know someone til you live with them.

Post # 70
Hostess
4094 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: December 2016

We are living together before engagement, but we had a timeline talk before making this decision, and know we want to be engaged and married in a timely fashion.  However, we will not be buying a home together before marriage.  

Post # 71
Member
439 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

lolabee1986:   My advice is to do what feels right for you! I don’t think there is anything wrong with moving in together or living apart. I think what works for the couple is what is best. If anything, I feel you may be having an internal battle between what feels right in your relationship and those “traditional” mindsets I feel we all have in some way or another– we’ve just cast them off or held on to them at different points in time. Do what you feel good about and don’t feel pressured to go in another direction that is anything besides your own. 🙂

We’ve lived together since 2007. We’ve been together since 2006. I’m not a traditional person. Living together for so long made me feel secure in saying yes. While my parents had a long and happy for the most part marriage, I also saw the flaws and wanted to be certain I wasn’t marrying my dad. I love my dad, god rest his soul. But he was human and I just wanted a different type of relationship than my parents. Luckily, I have that. 

But that’s my story and you have your own. Best wishes in whatever you decide!

Post # 72
Member
2856 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2018

My boyfriend and I have lived together for two out of the three years that we have been together and it has been one of the best decisions we have made thus far. SO likes to refer to us as “pre-engaged” (we have openly discussed marriage and future plans both in private and with our families and everyone is on board) and moving in together has only strengthened our relationship. I won’t even lie and say it was a complete breeze at first but it was definitely worth every obstacle. Also, considering we have lived together for so long and already have everything we really need, our families have decided that they would rather put together a honeymoon fund / house fund as opposed to wedding gifts which will be much more beneficial to our future plans than serving dishes or fancy linens. If you’re both comfortable with it, I say go for it! 

Post # 73
Member
3113 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2016 - Surfer\'s Beach, Grand Cayman

I originally told my husband that I didn’t want to live together without a proposal, but he really wanted to buy a home first so that we would be all set when we got married. In the end I ended up getting laid off, so moving in together made sense financially for me as well, and we were on the same page about a timeline for getting engaged and married so we decided to go for it. We got engaged a little less than a year later.

Post # 74
Member
154 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

My personal stance on it is all my own, of course, but I’ve always been curious if there actually are people who have found something totally dispicable about the person they have been dating after living with them. Does this actually happen that often? And also, who has been surprised by something from their SO after marrying them? I don’t really comprehend not really “knowing” a person without living with them nor having a habit so nasty, so downright deplorable you called everything all. I just feel like it’s rare at best, although I’m sure someone will find an example for me. Who knows everything about someone? Is that even possible? I’m not knocking anyone’s personal stance on this, but I just don’t get it.

Post # 75
Member
5364 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2016

We were 17 when we got together. Moved in together when we were 19. Got engaged when we were 22. Just married last month, I’m 24 and Darling Husband is 23. 

Obviously ours took awhile because we were so young when we started dating. We’ve both said that even if it wasn’t with each other, we’d want to live together before getting married.

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