(Closed) Living together before a proposal?

posted 4 years ago in Proposals
Post # 76
Member
978 posts
Busy bee

We were very young when we moved in together. I just turned 18 and Darling Husband was 20. We had dated about a year and few months before hand. We lived together for about 6 months before he had to leave for the Navy. He proposed after bootcamp which was about 2 months or so and we married a couple of months later. We then lived long distance for about a year while he went to school for his profession. We got our own place once he was stationed and have been married and joined at the hip going on 11 years.

For me it was a great experience to have lived together first. I would want to know how that worked out before marriage in any situation. I couldnt imagine moving in only after marriage. That is just me though. To each their own.

Post # 77
Member
523 posts
Busy bee

My fiance and I moved in together about 3 years before the proposal. I could not imagine deciding to spend my life with him without living with him first. It really showed me what our lives together, including the mundane things, will be like. 

I got a lot of judgmental comments from people when we moved in together. “Well he will never propose because he’s getting the milk for free”.  Like excuse me bitch, I’m not a cow and he’s not a jackass. 

Post # 78
Member
2655 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2016

My Fiance and I bought a house in September 2013. We got engaged in September 2015 and will be getting married in December this year. We always knew that we would live together before getting engaged – my Fiance really wanted us to have a house first, I think partially to ensure that we knew how much we could afford to spend on a wedding and that he could “look after me”. It also pays to mention that, when we moved into our home, I was only 23 and he was 22 so we were still very young.

I don’t regret moving in together before getting engaged. We’re celebrating our 9 year anniversary this month, so I think we’ve known for a long time that we’re it for each other. Plus, living together for 2 years before getting engaged has allowed us to start work on some serious renovations that we probably wouldn’t have been able to do had we got married first (at least, it would’ve taken us much longer to get them done). On top of this, I’m not an overly traditional person – in fact, it wouldn’t have bothered me if we never got married.

Post # 79
Member
2523 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

We were in a similar scenario.  We wanted to move in with his other because we were pretty much always together and it would be so practical and save a lot of money.  My mom absolutely flipped- she didn’t believe in living before marriage and especially not even engaged.  We ended up signing a lease in advance- it was Oct and we were not engaged and the lease was for July.  We ended up getting engaged New Years before we moved in, but we pretty much knew we had to get engaged before we moved in or at very least soon after or it would be difficult for us and my family.  I can’t imagine not living together before marriage- I think that would have been insanely stressful.  However, I’m not sure if made a difference for me personally whether I was engaged.  We had an 18 month engagement, so that was long enough to get adjusted to living together.  If it was terrible I could have broken the engagement.  Not ideal- but WAY better than finding out after you are married that you don’t cohabit well together.    

My church says they have done studies that reveal that living together before marriage is a non-factor in terms of the success of a marriage (I was pretty surprised to hear that from them).   

Post # 80
Member
1590 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2017

lolabee1986:  For me, it was essential to live with someone before marriage was on the cards, but when it became obvious that things were fairly serious. I’ve lived with my ex-boyfriend, my ex-husband and now Fiance as well as living on my own. 

You learn a lot about someone when you live with them – things like how you will divide household chores, how you manage money, how you treat each other when you wake up grumpy or come home from a shitty day at work. It was particularly important for me because I have OCD and it can make me a very hard person to live with – I moved out of my parents’ home at 17 because they couldn’t cope with it and made my home life miserable. My ex-BF would try and ‘cure’ the OCD by randomly moving things around the house to check if I noticed (that didn’t work). My ex-H took complete advantage of it by refusing to do anything around the house, then having the nerve to complain about how hard my condition was on him. Fiance doesn’t push me to break routines but also does everything he is ‘allowed’ to do, like taking the rubbish out.

Post # 81
Member
972 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

I didn’t read all the replies. I have to say-in my personal observations-it works out differently for other people. That being said, most of my circles of friends, they ended up having bad breakups and having to move out almost everytime. On one hand, that could mean living together first was successful, and they realized it didn’t work. Or, it could mean, without that commitment, there was dissatisfaction or frustration with wondering when the “try outs” were over or lack of genuine, thought-through intentional commitment that might have brought them through rough patches otherwise. 

Hard to say. I think you have to decide for yourself and realize you may need things in firm commitment and avoid indefinite waiting or be just fine trying it out.

Personally, I don’t think someone being a good roommate or not was ever on my deal breaker list. So, I was open in any serious relationship that I wouldn’t move in for convenience or financial reasons But rather a conscious choice of a lifetime commitment.  So I only moved in with the man I married. I have no regrets about doing it that way.  Sure divorces still can happen, but neither of us have leaving each other as a mental option either and that gives me peace and a sense of security. Hope that makes sense!

Post # 82
Member
270 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2016

I lived with my fiancè before he propsed. It just made sense to us, and that’s really all that matters. Traditionally, women had to be given off at the wedding by their dads and never got to live on their own. So don’t be barred by “tradition” when most are just more developed forms of the orignal one. 

Also in today’s economy. It’s more fiscally responsbile to combine housing situations if you are in comitted relationships.

Post # 83
Member
296 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2016 - Backyard

lolabee1986:  I’m a minority here it seems like, and my Fiance and I are atheists in our mid-thirties. 

We are getting married in five days and don’t live together. We are actively searching for a home. We live a two minute walk from each other as we both have tiny apartments. As our relationship progressed I moved as close as possible so we could see if we wanted to take a relationship a step further. We dated 2.5 years and decided on brief two month engagement. 

Living together before being engaged with a date set (no longer than 3 months out) is not a good idea says mulitple secular studies.  Marriage satisfaction is lower and divorce rate is actually higher.

Besides, we have something to look foward to when we get married! ๐Ÿ™‚ 

Post # 85
Member
20 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: September 2016

Ha, I seem to be in the minority here but I lived with a bunch of guys before I met my fiancé. By the time we moved in together I was well-versed in what it’s like to share space with someone, and although the the other relationships obviously didn’t last having all those experiences helped my relationship now. Living with the right person is the BEST – so much fun. I would’ve been so cranky if I’d waited until we signed a legal contract I mean got married ๐Ÿ˜‰ 

That said – do whatever you want! If you want to test out the dynamic, which definitely changes, before making a permanent life decision (er, mostly permanent??) do it! If you think it’ll strengthen your relationship not to, then don’t. In this day and age you can do what you want and not what you’re ‘supposed’ to do. 

Post # 86
Member
607 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

Call me old fashion…but I don’t believe in living together before marriage. I want something to look forward to after getting married.

Post # 87
Member
3868 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: April 2017

Totally up to the individual! We lived together before getting engaged and it was just perfectly right for us, no regrets (although my mother and grandmother didn’t entirely like it!)

Post # 88
Member
1352 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2017 - The Lodge at Little Seneca Creek

There is NO way I would agree to marry someone without living with that person first. You don’t really know for sure whether you’re compatible and how you will handle stressful situations until you’ve lived together.

As you said, it sounds like the most logical next step for you right now anyway. Good luck!

Post # 89
Member
564 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2016

lagavulin:  totally agree. That’s what I get for not reading the whole thread ๐Ÿ™‚

Post # 90
Member
221 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2018

samira86:  lol no worries, it’s a long thread.  You and are are on the same page. ๐Ÿ™‚

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