(Closed) Living together before a proposal?

posted 3 years ago in Proposals
Post # 121
Member
1457 posts
Bumble bee

I strongly suggest you live together before you get engaged/married. Me and my partner got on like a dream until we moved in together, then it became apparent how we both think we should run a house and spend our time was quite different. For example, cleaning was never high on her list of priorities, yet it is very important for me to live in a clean and tidy home. I’m very sociable and like visiting friends/family two or three times a week, she thinks this is far too much etc. After countless arguments we have finally settled into a routine that we’re both happy with and things are great now.

I think it’s better to see if you can live with someone and iron out any problems you may have before you make such a big commitment. We were lucky in both of us have been willing to make changes and compromise, but this is not the case for every couple. I think living together is one of those make or break things and people sometimes underestimate how difficult it can be. 

Post # 122
Member
985 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

I did live with my so before we got engaged but with the understanding that a proposal needed to happen by 6 months in. He ended up asking after 4 1/2 months. I’ve seen a few bees say that you can’t truly know someone without living with them first. That wasn’t true for us. We knew each other just as well before as we do now. Maybe because we were long distance for two years and did a lot of talking but there were no surprises or revelations. I pretty much had figured how living together would be and that’s how it’s been.

Do what’s best for you and your relationship, whether it be living together or not. 

Post # 123
Member
61 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

Pp mentioned couples who live together before marriage are most likely to get divorced. True statistic (learned it in developmental psych class last semester) but my professor mentioned that that statistic usually is a result of when couples sort of “end up” living together for any reason. When the couple is making the choice to move in together as a conscious next step to improving and building their relationship, it’s less likely that their marriage will end in divorce. A statistic doesn’t dictate the quality of your marriage but they are helpful so don’t dismiss it completely! 

 

Edit- Just some personal info, my fiancé and I got engaged after living together for 2 months. We had been together for 5 years by that point. We grew up together as we were 15 when we started dating and we are 20 now. Moving in was a big step for us that has ultimately brought us even closer as we have always talked about wanting this and not being able to have it because we weren’t even legal adults yet! Yes, there are bumps in the road that we hadn’t experienced yet while not living together but we have the attitude that we are always evolving and learning each other. Ultimately, I think it is important to know if you are compatible to live with someone before committing to them in a marriage although I know that everybody has a different perspective on this. 

Post # 124
Member
3873 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: April 2017

We got engaged after 1.5 years of living together. No regrets at all. Each step felt like it was at exactly the right time. As long as you’re on the same page timeline-wise I don’t see why it would be a problem. (There was a bit of drama from my more religious family members though! Sigh.)

Post # 125
Member
1262 posts
Bumble bee

lolabee1986 :  I have a very strong view that the actual decision matters far less than the communication that goes into making it.

If I were in your shoes and wanted to be engaged before moving in, I would not move in just because he owns the place and it makes logistical sense.”We’ve discussed marriage and kids” wouldn’t be enough, either.

Talk to him more, find out what his views are. Does he feel he needs to live together before getting engaged? Is he confident that your relationship is headed towards marraige, or does he need more time to think about that decision? What is his timeline for getting married, does it match yours, and are either/both of you willing to compromise, and how much? What are your motivations for potentially moving in together? Are they based on your relationship, or logistics?

I think this is the only way to avoid disappointment. You have to know yourself, and have an open, honest conversation with the other person. What matters is that your expectations are aligned.

In the interest of disclosure, I lived with my husband before we were engaged, but that’s what I wanted. If I felt the way you do, I would not have made that choice easily. 

Post # 126
Member
459 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2016

I honestly feel if my husband and I didn’t live together first, there would have been issues we would have had to work out right after marriage. I am so so happy we lived together before. While we lived together for 5+ years (I was a serious waiting bee), I couldn’t imagine living with him for the first time after marriage.  I have GAD (anxiety) and I can sometimes have serious needs from a live in partner. i feel living together helps work out the kinks and establish routine, expectations in the relationship. I understand this isn’t for everyone but this was key for our marriage. 

Post # 127
Member
1902 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

My Fiance and I have been together for 4 years, living together for 3 years and engaged for a little over 6 months. I am so glad we moved in together when we did-I have learned and gotten used to all his habits 🙂

Post # 128
Member
71 posts
Worker bee

Also, something to remember is that most marriages do not end due to dramatic or intense problems like cheating but instead the everyday mundane things – people falling “out” of love, regular inability to compromise, diffcultly communicating, varying intersts, lack of intimacy and romance, arguing. 

Anyone who lives with their partner prior to engagement will tell you that you will get in a massive arguement over something like who was supposed to pick up the groceries or who left the package outside the door that is now stolen. — It will be good that your will and communication holds you together in these instances, NOT your marriage and the legal document which forces you to work it out. 

Post # 129
Member
17 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: July 2016

I agree living together before really lets you see the real person. Lived with my ex and it was the best thing I could have done as it showed me we were not a good match. Told myself I would be engaged before I lived with another boyfriend but we were in a similare situation with each being on our own, together 24/7 and it just made sense to move in together. We were together a year and a half, moved in together, got engaged about 7 months after and now we are married!

Post # 130
Member
461 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2017

lolabee1986 :  as the old saying goes- you never know someone until you live with them. But even then you’ll never fully know them I guess… I would try living together first and see how it goes. 💙

Post # 131
Member
13 posts
Newbee

lolabee1986 :  Hello bee! No regrets!

I’ve been living with my SO for nearly 3 months, and he will be proposing before my next birthday – so within half a year! Moving in was a decision that was easy to make for the both of us. 

 

 

 

Post # 132
Member
506 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2017

lolabee1986 :  There is definitely nothing wrong with moving in with your boyfriend before engagement.  Fiance and I did that after dating 2.5 years.  We got engaged 1.5 years later.  Some of the pros to this are that we figured out early if we could live together LOL.  Everyone has “their ways” with how they live day to day.  We were able to see those up front and not wait until after we were married to realize, for example, that I hate that he leaves his underwear everywhere  or that she lets dishes pile up in the sink for a week before washing.  (both are fictitious situations).

And don’t believe that moving in together will make the ring inevitable.  Yes, it does happen for some people unfortunately but it’s not the rule.  I have 2 co-workers that both moved in with their girlfriends and then got married.  I also have 3 sets of friends getting married next year as well that lived together for years before getting engaged.  All of them actually lived with their partners longer than we did (2 of which have kid(s) together) so it can vary.

On the flip side though, it’s not a decision that I would take lightly.  I wouldn’t do it soon into your relationship just because you can.  Make sure it’s a true, committed relationship and decision.  When my Boyfriend or Best Friend and I decided we were going to move in together, it wasn’t overnight.  It was a few months before his lease ran out on his apt so we had time to think about it.

Post # 133
Member
33 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: May 2017

I think living with an SO is very important. Think of it like dog training. Both you and your SO are going through dog training until your behaviour around the house is acceptable. 

My Fiance always puts his dishes in the wrong basin, I have two seperate basins, one where I put meat in to defrost in water and the other for dishes. It drove me nuts. Me forgetting to close the breadbin drove him nuts. But we’ve learned to deal with it and now it doesn’t bother us anymore. But boy did we fight about that. I can’t fathom the amount of stress you put on your newly found marriage by fighting about such petty little things. Just think how easy your marriage will be if you put all these little petty issues behind you when you lived together? 

My Brother-In-Law is such a joyous man to be around, him and his wife. They lived together before marriage.

My cousins never lived with their SO’s prior to marriage. It shows on their marriage. They bicker about the silliest little things. The other day my cousin threatened to leave her partner over toothpaste not being closed. Newly weds. Newly weds shouldn’t have to deal with such issues. It should be the beggining of a second honeymoon period.

Post # 134
Member
255 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2018

Personally I would live with someone before marrying. Not saying this will happen to everyone, but you dont know someone until you live with them.  

I lived with my boyfriend for 3 years before engagement.

Post # 135
Member
6 posts
Newbee

lolabee1986 :  Every couple is unique, have different backgrounds & ways of life. This is my opinion & what worked for me. My husband & I did not live together before we got married. Little background on us: He joined the Navy then got an apt with buddies when he got back. Eventually he moved back to his parents and this is when I met him. I lived with my mom, bro, & sis. My sis & I were the bread winners splitting every household expense & rent. So that was my home situation (kinda hard to leave).

 When we dated if we were not at work we were together until end of day. I made a point to get to know him very well. I knew exactly what I was looking for in a husband: If he had been a slob, had a bad temper, or was inconsiderate I would not have dated him very long at all. I did not want to end up divorced like so many. I looked & learned from others mistakes verrry carefully. We were both on the same page & so compatible. We ate out a lot but both love to cook too so WE grocery shopped each time for that days meals. We cooked & cleaned up together. We both communicated very well on getting our finances in order to prepare for merging our marital finances together: Ex. We both agreed he would pay off his car in full. I made a point to NOT buy a new car so there was no car payments. We also agreed to both pay off any small debts to save for married life. We waited till his traffic tickets fell off so his car insurance went down. Since we had a very small intimate wedding & knew there would be no gifts we SLOWY bought everything we would need & stored it in his closet: Microwave, cookware, an so on, except for furniture since we both lived w/our parents. He did buy a new bed right before the wedding. He had a tv. We both had dressers already. His parents gift was a couch. My grandmothers gift was a dinette table. So we were set & finances were not an issue.

 He got his own apt 6mos. before the wedding. I still never stayed the night (personal choice I don’t regret). The night before our wedding he stayed at his parents to be closer to wedding site & so I could spent the night in the new apt, take my time getting ready & get picked up by sister-in-laws to be driven to wedding. This was the 1st time I slept in a bed larger than a twin & had it all to myself. I was excited to bring my stuff & finally be home in our own place. It was an exciting new chapter, new life! We both enjoyed living together, picking out furniture, giving out our 1st Halloween candy, & inviting people over for dinner. Everything was exciting & special. There were NO surprises.

 They say the 1st yr of marriage is the hardest. For us it was the best! Five yrs. later we both still feel like newlyweds. When I ask friends who lived together before how did it feel to finally be married they ALL say, “the same”. I’m like, “You don’t you feel different now?” They say, “No, everything feels the same.” I find that strange. If you know him well and aren’t just settling on him then you only have good stuff to look forward to. If your just settle or are unsure of who you are marrying then issues may rear up soon after move in.

 

 

  • This reply was modified 3 years, 2 months ago by  mrssuperglue.

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