Post # 1
Member
49 posts
Newbee
I’m new to the site – this is my fist post.
My boyfriend and I have been together for a little over 6 years – we met when we were 18 during the 1st week of college. Since very early on, we have talked about how we want to spend our lives together, get married and have kids.
We have been living together for 2.5 years. He works in finance and pays for most things and I have a less stressful profession and take care of things in the household. We recently got a dog, and I’m the ‘mommy’ who takes care of the dog the most.
I really thought my boyfriend was going to propose last spring. He had just gotten his first very large bonus from his wall street firm. I was really dissapointed when he didn’t and this past summer we talked and I told him that I would want to get engaged by the summer 2011 so that we could be married by the time I finish graduate school. Things are going great now – he’s going to propose sometime between mid-Febrary and June.
But my question for you all is… what to you think about living together before engagement? I think it makes sense for at least a year so get to know more of each others habits, etc. But I’m wondering, if you live together for longer, as long as I have, then you end up acting like your married already! The only thing that will change when we are married is our bank accounts will be together and my name will be changed. Where is the incentive to propose?!
I have friend who got engaged this summer after being with her boyfriend for 3 years. She is part of a conservative Jewish community where there must be a diamond on the finger before moving in. It seems like a lot of pressure, but at the same time gives a little incentive for the man.
Thoughts?
Post # 3
Member
6391 posts
Bee Keeper
I personally like the idea of having the commitment od being engaged or married before moving in together, but that’s just me and my perspective. My best friend moved in with her boyfriend, got engaged a few months afterward, and loves it. I think it just depends on what’s right for the couple.
Post # 4
Member
1613 posts
Bumble bee
My fiance and I lived together before we got engaged. Honestly I think it’s a good idea b/c that way you find out EVERYTHING about each other. He proposed after living together about 4 months (we had been together 1 year 2 months total)
Previously, I had lived with another boyfriend.. it was a long distance relationship at first so it worked.. then he moved in. I really found out that he was NOT the one for me, or even close. I’m really glad I had the experience, b/c it makes what my fiance and I have now SOOO much better.
Post # 5
Member
806 posts
Busy bee
I believe even if you already live together, there is still an incentive to propose if the guy truly cares about you and sees himself with you for life: after a certain point, you will no longer be happy and satisfied with the status quo. You’ll become resentful and it will impact the quality of the relationship. Things will start to deteriorate. Avoiding this would be his incentive.
While you’ve been with him a long time, you’re relatively young and still getting settled into “adult” life. It’s not as dire as being two 36 year olds who have been together 6 years. I feel like it’s the age / life stage, more so than living together, that’s drawing things out in your situation.
It sounds like you have a timeline that’s not too far away, and he’s on board. I’d just wait it out and then re-evaluate after that if it doesn’t happen.
Post # 6
Member
1029 posts
Bumble bee
I don’t think moving in together necessarily changes the outcome of a relationship.. I think if you’re going to break up or get married, it’ll happen regardless of if you live together or not. I know others don’t agree. I really don’t buy the whole ‘why buy the cow…” thing. If your bf is a mature guy who wants a committed relationship, that shouldn’t change just because you live together. If he is the kind who will never commit to marriage, that also won’t change because you live together.
FTR, we moved in together after 8 months of dating, got engaged after living together for a year, and are in our mid-30s.
Post # 7
Member
502 posts
Busy bee
I lived with my husband before we were engaged. To me I think it is important to live with a person before making such a big commitment. A lot comes out that you didn’t know whenever you live with someone.
I should also add I am not the most traditional type person that there is. But I don’t regret living with him before we were engaged. I got to know all of his little secret quirks and fell in love with him even more.
We were dating a year before we moved in together and then living together for about 1.5 years before he proposed. I can remember a few times where I thought he was going to propose and didn’t. He had a plan and wanted to wait until I was out of school with a job so that I wouldn’t stress out. Which was nice 🙂 He waited until we were on our Hawaii vacation. We have now been together for a little over 4 years and happily married for almost 5 months 🙂
Post # 8
Member
194 posts
Blushing bee
i am currently living with my boyfriend. We were in love and were both looking to buy a house, so it made the most sense to purchase a home together. I don’t regret it at all. It truly has been the best year yet. However, as I mentioned on another board, my bf has had the engagment ring for at least 7 months and I still haven’t seen it… I wonder if living together make it a little easier for him to take his sweet time 🙂
Post # 9
Member
744 posts
Busy bee
I think it can go both ways, every person is different. My extremely traditional Italian husband actually moved out of mommy’s house and in with me before being engaged – he wanted to make sure we wouldn’t kill each other living together. As upset as I was to have to wait seven years before an engagement, I totally saw where he was coming from after he explained it. By the time he did propose I was fine with the idea of not ever getting married because our relationship was in a good place, and we were happy living together.
Post # 10
Member
454 posts
Helper bee
If you’re with the right person it doesn’t matter. I lived with ex’s and, while it worked out for economical reasons, the relationships lasted a tad longer than they should have.
I also lived with Fiance before we got engaged, but his family is somewhat conservative so it was done with the understanding that we would be getting married. We got engaged after about a year of cohabitation. But I am also 27, so age plays into it.
Post # 11
Member
850 posts
Busy bee
I think it depends on the boyfriend… do they tend to have these habits already (of why do “x” when they don’t need to). I moved in with my boyfriend after 1 yr. of dating (it was getting serious, and there were definite financial benefits to us moving in together). I felt confident in doing so, since I knew we were moving toward something more serious, and if we continued in that direction, we would eventually be getting married. He told me up front he wasn’t ready for marriage again (his first wife cheated and he said he wouldn’t remarry unless we’d been dating at least 3 years) but I knew he was faithful and reasonable and wouldn’t string me along. He’s a VERY honest and rational person, so I felt comfortable that I wouldn’t be waiting forever.
Then we bought a house together, and I wondered if that circumstance might happen, but he proposed 2 months later. It was the longest 2 mo. I’d ever waited for something… I was nervous for a bit.
Post # 12
Member
3586 posts
Sugar bee
ITA!—>I think if you’re going to break up or get married, it’ll happen regardless of if you live together or not.
Post # 13
Member
8734 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
My Fiance and I lived together 3 years before getting engaged and we were together 6 1/2 years by the time he proposed.
We met in college as well. I was 19 and he was 20. When I moved to NYC out of college we spent one year living apart and then moved in together.
I like living together before marriage is important. There were many issues we had to work through when we moved in together, especially when sharing a TINY Manhattan apartment!
Nothing is really going to change for us once we get married. We’ll open a joint bank account and I’ll have a new last name, but other than that our daily operations will stay the same.
It may have taken him a bit longer to propose but living together first was one of his requirements and I’m happy that we’ve already done it.
The incentive to get married is still there because 1 – he knew it was really important to me and 2 – there were some things I would not do without being engaged/married (i.e. buy a house together, buy a car together, move abroad or anywhere for his job, etc).
Post # 14
Member
4766 posts
Honey bee
“The only thing that will change when we are married is our bank accounts will be together and my name will be changed. Where is the incentive to propose?!”
How about love? You seem to be very focused on the money.
My Fiance and I have been living together pretty much right after starting to date and have been for the past almost 4 years. We have a a joint bank account and had it for over a year and I will not be changing my name, so it seems like according to you there is no point for me to get married.
Post # 15
Member
1312 posts
Bumble bee
I think it is very important to live together before getting married. I was married before to someone I did not live with before marriage (due to religious beliefs and my strict family) and we found out after marriage that we really didn’t “mesh” well and actually ended up getting divorced 3 yrs later largely due to that. I have been living with my Fiance for almost 4 years now, we’ve been together for 6 years, engaged for half a year. We have figured out our roles, how we live together, how to give each other space. It’s great!
Post # 16
Member
161 posts
Blushing bee
I moved in with my boyfriend and he had no plans of getting married any time soon. fast forward 4 months and we are engaged!