(Closed) Living Together before Engagement

posted 11 years ago in Waiting
Post # 18
Member
1722 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2011

I was with my Fiance for almost three and a half years when we got engaged and we had already lived together for almost two years.  It was a great decision for us.  I agree that moving in doesn’t change the outcome of a relationship.  We heard from multiple people how this would be the ultimate test in our relationship and to be prepared for it to end soon.  Next week we’ll have been together five years.  I also will add that we were very young (19) when we moved in together which won’t work for everyone but we knew we were ready.  

Post # 19
Member
5 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: June 2017

I just got engaged in July, after living with mr. Jones for 3 years before that and since we were high school sweethearts we’ve been together for a total of 14 years. In all honesty, I feel every relationship is unique and only the two people invlovled know how they want to progress in their relationship. IMO – I don’t like negative incentives (I think that they never work and only cause bitterness). I believe the incentive is moving forward in your relationship and making a commitment to one another. When Mr. Jones proposed, I can truthfully say that I felt even more close to him and the bond that we share felt a bit stronger. Now, that may not be that case for everyone. Of course, I’m from the school of thought that the two people involved in the relationship are the only ones that really know what they feel for each other and what “incentives” they both may or may not need.

Just my two cents Wink

Post # 20
Member
845 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

I think it’s just personal preference and there’s no right vs. wrong way to proceed with moving in together or to not move in together. What works for one couple may not work for another.

Post # 21
Member
3218 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

I practically moved in the first night we spent together. That was nearly 4 years ago. He proposed at 3.5 years.

I too think you should live with someone before marrying. Gives you some insight how you’ll do when it actaully does happen.

Post # 22
Member
232 posts
Helper bee

I think that moving in together before engagement is fine as long as you and SO discuss what your “end goal” is before moving in (marriage? cohabitation without marriage?)…both parties need to know what they are working toward and what the other person eventually wants.  Without having that discussion and being in 100% agreement with what your end goal is, moving in is too risky. 

There are times when I buy into the cow/milk thing, but then I remember that a truly wonderful man (as long as he believes in marriage) will love me enough to marry me and do things properly, regardless of what I’ve already been giving him. 

I hate those statisics about cohabitation and marriage, and I don’t buy into them.  They always say “Cohabitation is less likely to lead to marriage”.  Well isnt the end goal to have a LONG LASTING SUCCESSFUL MARRIAGE?  If cohabitation leads me to believe that I shouldn’t be marrying the person I’m living with, well, I’m happy that I had that red flag and got the opportunity to back out before marriage.  I wish there was a statistic about cohabitation and divorce rates, because I’m sure those would at least prove that cohabitation produces as much, if not more, successful marriages as waiting for an engagement to move in. 

Post # 23
Member
1035 posts
Bumble bee

I also agree with the PP’s their is still and incentive to propose even though you live together. My SO and I have been together for almost 3 1/2 years and have lived together for over two years.  My SO is waiting until I’m done with school and get a job with will be within the next year and half.  If that were already out of the way I think he would of proposed by now.  My SO is six years older than me and wanted kids five years ago. He knows I won’t have kids unless I’m married so their’s that incentive for him.

Post # 24
Member
1408 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2012

I’ve actually seen a few studies on this that say that people who live together (before getting engaged) take longer to get engaged than people who live separately. I’m not really sure how they come to this conclusion, since every couple is different, but I do think there’s truth to it. I think it’s because of the “low incentive” to change things. I personally do live with my SO without being engaged because I love being with him any time I can and it makes sense financially. I do think it has contributed to him not proposing yet though.

We both want marriage and kids and I’m confident he will be proposing sometime within the year, but I think we’d already be engaged if not for the fact that we live together…why buy the cow when you get the milk for free, right? I wouldn’t change a thing though. Because of living together I am able to go into my marriage knowing things that I wouldn’t if we hadn’t. I know he snores (and how to make him stop), how much higher the grocery bill is, (TMI coming up) that he will always come to use the restroom when I’m doing my makeup or taking a bath (thank GOD we have 2 bathrooms now), and that every year around Christmas time I will have to watch ELF 6 times…the silly, disgusting, funny, happy, sad things that make him the person I want to spend the rest of my life with.

Post # 25
Member
4831 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

@mg1363: I really think it depends on your relationship. We never would have gotten engaged without living together because my Fiance would never feel comfortable proposing (and I wouldn’t feel comfortable accepting) until we knew we could live together.

Most of his delay in proposing was him working out his issues with marriage as his parent’s went through a bad divorce. I think our living together for 3 years really helped him to solidify that we would work and marriage will work for us. Living like we were already “married” helped him be comfortable with marriage.

Post # 26
Member
1408 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2012

@KatNYC2011:

I totally agree. I’m not sure what I said seemed disagreeable with your comment (sorry not being defensive, just confused). In my personal relationship I’m fairly certain we’d already be engaged if we didn’t live together. I think he would have more incentive to propose. We’ve been living together for over 4 years and I think that because of that we’ll be entering marriage with a better understanding of each other than someone who might not have lived together.

I am in no way saying that couples who do not live together are in the wrong at all though. I just think that for them part of the fun and excitement in getting engaged/married lies in finding out all this new stuff about one another…for me I like that I already know what everyday life is like with him.

Post # 27
Member
65 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

We lived together before we got engaged. Technically we still have two places, she has a roommate and a lease and has been paying on her place even though she’s lived here since August. I think it was good to live together before, learn each others patterns, etc.

Post # 28
Member
1088 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2010

There is no way I would have married my DH if we had not experienced living together first. Just like there’s no way I’d buy a car without test driving it first. There are things that you just can’t know about each other until you’ve lived together. DH feels the same way. So for us, living together before engagement was an absolute must.

@phoenix718: I agree with everything you said, especially your point about those hokey cohabitation stats.

Post # 29
Member
4831 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

@mg1363: Nothing disagreeable at all! Just expounding on your thoughts about each couple being different and just suggesting that “I think it’s because of the “low incentive” to change things.” isn’t always true.

That’s all. 😀

Also, everyone’s situation is different. For some living together before engagement is a good thing, for other’s it not. For us (and sounds like for you as well) living together first was definately the right thing to do.

Post # 30
Member
1408 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2012

@KatNYC2011:

oh okay! I was worried I had said something offensive but couldn’t figure out what lol. Thanks! 

Post # 31
Member
22 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: September 2012

For us living together before getting engaged was great. My parents were very nervous that we would not last through living together, but making our relationship work while we lived together helped solidify us and ensure us that it was the right thing. So, we are now engaged, and I don’t think the living togethr detered Fiance at all.

On a side note: we have been talking about buying a place together, and I did tell him I would not feel comfortable buying a place together until we were engaged.

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