(Closed) Living Together Before Marriage?

posted 3 years ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
1012 posts
Bumble bee

I live with my boyfriend (we’re legal domestic partners). We’ve lived together for nearly 2.5 years, and I love it, because he works so much otherwise I’d almost never see him, and I love that we’re making a home together.

That said, your boyfriend is telling you how he’s feeling, and what his needs are. He’s telling you he doesn’t want to take the step of living together until marriage. Ultimately, it doesn’t matter whether it’s coming from “him” or “his family” because he’s telling you what he’s ready and not ready for. Clearly, he wants to maintain a relationship with his conservative family, and is taking that into account, but he also may really feel like he wants to be married before living with someone, and that’s okay.

What I’m hearing is that you’re ready, and he’s telling you he’s not. Sometimes, it isn’t about the logistics (rock on for being ready to support yourself financially!) – it’s about feelings, and being emotionally ready, and he’s told you he’s not, and his feelings should be respected.

Give him some time – he might change his mind once he feels ready, or he might propose! 

Good luck!

Post # 3
Member
1148 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2017

I think living together before marriage is a great idea. I don’t see the point in waiting if you are both ready now. You get to see each other’s habits, good and bad, you get to see all sides of him. You get to learn how to solve issues together and work through things.

 

Anyway, I wouldn’t let the traditional views of others influence a major life decision like this. I’d think this way: on your deathbed, when you look back on your life, is it them that will be regretful or joyful on what you have or haven’t done? To them it makes no impact except a slap on the wrist, for you it could be the difference of living with fulfillment or regret. I know this situation is a minor thing, but I’m just saying to keep this in mind if they guilt you on any other major decisions in the future.

 

edit: ^ my advice depends on whether your fiancé is being influenced by family or genuinely doesn’t want to live together yet, in which case you should debate this (in a calm way!) but respect his choice as well.

Post # 4
Member
9528 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

The shock of being married is more difficult when you have not lived together or on your own yet. Maybe one can get an apartment and the other spend time there to start to adjust living outside the family home? 

Post # 7
Member
404 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

puppylover12 :  Honestly, it sounds to me like he truly isn’t ready, and you should respect that. If you want to move out on your own, go ahead and continue to plan to do that, and let him be involved in the situation, but don’t hinge your plans on having him move in with you. Look at places you can afford on your own, or start looking at getting a roommate. Further down the line, he may be ready to be out on his own, or move in with you.

It’s possible he’s saying this to keep his parents happy, but it may also be his personal belief as well, and you will have to respect that. Pushing him repeatedly to do something he’s stated he doesn’t want to do is only going to breed resentment.

So I guess my point is, continue on with your plans to live on your own and leave the option open for him to move in with you in the future, or at least be a frequent houseguest. His feelings may change, but you need to respect them as they are for right now, regardless of whether or not you think his family is interfering.

Post # 8
Member
1012 posts
Bumble bee

puppylover12 :  I totally hear you – it can be incredibly confusing! My guy is super uptight about marriage (he puts huge pressure on it, and because of this, he isn’t ready but does want to get married in the next couple of years). However, I asked about domestic partnership like, a year ago and he said NO and that DP is marriage and I know how he feels about it (it was a very emotional and frustrating conversation). 

Then, a couple of months ago, he was suddenly ready to become domestic partners, and we went down to City Hall and now we’re domestic partners! I was actually more freaked out about actually doing it than he was! 

What I learned was that sometimes, people can be really confusing, and change their minds seemingly out of nowhere (apparently he’d been thinking about it since we talked last year). As time goes on, either your guy will change his mind, or at the very least, hopefully be able to articulate his thought processes to you, so you’re not left confused and wondering about it!

Post # 9
Member
2041 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

Just to offer my experience. My Darling Husband and I could not live together before we got married. He owned a condo that put in an age restriction of 35 for new tenants and would not accept our application to have me move in since I was 29. Even after we got engaged they were being difficult. So he sold the condo, moved back in with his parents, I was at my parents, and we bought a house. The house took 8 months to renovate and we moved in two weeks before the wedding. We have had an amazing time since then and have no regrets about not co-habitating before marriage.

Post # 10
Member
1717 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

Personally, I don’t think anyone should get married until you live together for at least 6 months to 1 year. However you need to respect his wishes. 

Does he still live at home? 

Post # 11
Member
1012 posts
Bumble bee

courtneysokal :  A 35 year age limit?? I’ve never heard of that! They’re losing out on some great youngins. 

Post # 13
Member
9690 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2016

My husband originally wanted to wait until we were married to move in together. I really wanted to move in together but I didn’t want him to feel pressured. It may be that he doesn’t want to deal with his parents reaction but it might be that he would really like wait. I never 100% understood his reasoning for not wanting to move in together before marriage since we were intimate, had been together for 7 years, and he was over at my place every day anyway but it really was his feelings on the matter and not his parents. When you are raised your entire life believing certain things and viewing life in a particular way, even if you don’t adhere to everything you once believed and you don’t strictly believe it as much as before or are more lax in your views, some things stick. It sounds like moving in before marriage might be one of those things for your boyfriend.

He ended up moving in with me 6 months before our wedding for various reasons but it was 100% his decision. Honestly, for us I don’t think it was necessary to live together before marriage because we’d been together for so long beforehand. We’ve had zero issues since moving in together, no surprises about one another, it’s been a perfectly seamless transition for us. But I do think it can be really beneficial for couples who haven’t been together as long to do before deciding if they want to get married. But both people need to be on board with it, he can’t feel pressured into it or that will just cause more problems.

I also think it’s really beneficial to live on your own before moving in with an SO. Maybe you should look into getting an apartment on your own.

Post # 14
Member
2123 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: December 2017

I wouldn’t be able to marry someone without having lived with them first, and I live with my boyfriend now. There are lots of people, however, who wouldn’t dream of living with their partner before marriage, and I think that needs to be respected. Whether your boyfriend doesn’t want to live with you because of his own values or those of his family, his reasoning is fair and valid and he needs you to respect that. I’m sure it’s incredibly frustrating for you (I’d be so unhappy) but I think the worst thing you can do here is pressurise him into doing what you want. You’d be risking your own relationship and his relationship with his family. I’m sorry, but I think all you can do is respect the position that you’re in.

Post # 15
Member
5889 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2013

puppylover12 :  I think that if he doesn’t want to live together before marriage you shouldn’t force him, but if you wan to move out you should go for it with or without him.

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