Living Together Before Marriage…

posted 3 years ago in Home
Post # 16
Member
701 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2017

ronster :  We are not living together before we get married, we also have very traditional parents and families. But I’m at his apartment 90% of my life anyway. I cook, shower, take naps (he’s got AC and it’s quiet) and I also help him clean and meal prep….so I practically live there. The front door attendants know me well, they don’t even check my ID when I come in anymore, I’m there everyday. We decided to just keep the peace and not stir the pot with drama by moving in together. But I can definitely see the benefits of living together, because there is so much about someone’s private life you notice when you’re around them a lot! Stuff that you wouldn’t notice unless you’re always there. 

Post # 17
Member
379 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

I truly believe that you do not fully know someone until you have been living with them for a while. Dating someone and living with someone are two totally different beasts.

I learned things about my hubby that I am SO THANKFUL I learned before marriage, otherwise our first year married would have been really hard, because it is hard work learning to adjust to living with a new person.

What if living with him is really unbearable? A lot of couples learn things about one another that first year that are just deal breakers, so I think that would have really scared me.

I don’t regret for one second living with him first, and I could have cared less what anybody thought. 

Post # 18
Member
491 posts
Helper bee

I definitely believe in living together first because I find dating someone for a long time and not living together very tiresome. Constantly driving between places, packing bags, not being home to feed pets and do chores, and never having what you need. I did this for five years with an ex who didn’t even like me to sleep over, and I would sometimes cry with frustration at having to get out of bed after sex, get dressed and drive home in the cold dark night. 

I feel a bit differently to everyone else though in that I haven’t learned anything new about my partner from living together and I can’t say it was a huge adjustment. Even just dating we were not always on our best behaviour and dressed nice, I’m not sure how anyone can be after more than a few weeks. So I can honestly say it is no different at all. 

Only one thing is if your partner is reluctant to marry but keen to live together, once you do move in you have lost your only bargaining chip. So that would be my only hesitation. 

Post # 19
Member
1572 posts
Bumble bee

Living with my bf (now fiancé) has been the best two years of my life ! We definitely learnt more about each other and have come closer. Had it been a disaster, I would have been glad we weren’t married and could have gone our separate ways. I wouldn’t marry anyone without living together if possible, that’s my personal opinion. 

Post # 20
Member
3284 posts
Sugar bee

We lived together for more than 4 years before we got married. I had to know if we could actually get along and deal with eachothers quirks before getting married.

Post # 21
Member
4233 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2015 - Hotel Ballroom

I moved in with Darling Husband after we’d been dating for a year. I also lived with the guy I was dating before I met Darling Husband (AKA my college sweetheart). 

When I moved in with my college sweetheart I initially hid it from my parents because I knew they wouldn’t approve of us moving in together so soon…and broke them into the idea gently. I mean, they DID live together before marriage…but me and this guy moved in together WAY too soon in retrospect.  Pretty much what happened was I was in a bad roommate situation, and what was supposed to be me “crashing for a few days at my new boyfriends apartment until the ‘heat’ wore off” turned into me never leaving…and then the school year ending and us getting a ‘real’ apartment together (instead of the student housing one he was living in).

When I told them I was moving in with my now Darling Husband, they didn’t warm up to it right away…but more in a “you’ve been down this road before and look what happened” sort of way.

As for my personal opinion: I believe that you should only move in with a guy if you are SERIOUS about each other, and have been dating for a reasonable amount of time. I say this because my college sweetheart and I moved in together after maybe three months of dating, and though we were together for a year and a half it was messy and a little scary seperating ourselves when I moved out. If we had of waited longer I HIGHLY doubt I would have moved in with him, because our relationship began ‘cracking’ at about the 10 month mark…part of me thinks the reason it took us so long to break up was because we didn’t want to deal with the annoyance and struggle of actually seperating both our relationship and living situation.

A life lesson I value, but a pain in the ass nonetheless. 

Post # 22
Member
2123 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014 - DD born 2015 DS born 2017

You don’t truly know someone until you live with them for a year+ after the honeymoon period is over and they stop trying to impress you and let their bad habits show. If you want to risk marrying someone you don’t truly know then that’s up to you but most people would think you’re mad! 

My best friend’s boyfriend moved in with her but they ended up reaising it just wasn’t right and splitting.. I’m confident they wouldn’t have known through dating.

Post # 23
Member
899 posts
Busy bee

We did not live together until we were married. I would not change it. It made being married more special to me. For me it wasn’t a big learning curve, we had spent enough time together that I already knew his quirks and he knew mine.

Post # 24
Member
487 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

I really dont see much of a difference between Fiance and Darling Husband.  If you’re going to spend the rest of your life with someone why would you want to wait until your wedding date to move in with them?  What difference does it actually make?

Post # 25
Member
407 posts
Helper bee

I will have lived with my fiance for two years before we are married. I’m glad we did. Our relationship is much stronger because of it and I feel way more secure in our future. Especially in the first year together we learned alot about eachother, and how to communicate with one another. It was definitely an adjustment period, and one I’m glad we went through before taking the plunge so to speak! 

Post # 26
Member
2123 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014 - DD born 2015 DS born 2017

bellsprout :  Because in the event it turns out you’re not compatible you don’t have to go through a legal separation if you were just engaged. Actually personally I think no couple should live together unless they are clearly and openly heading for marriage and close to or already engaged. Otherwise it’s just a messy break up waiting to happen.

Post # 27
Member
487 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

MrsYoshida :  I think you’re missunderstanding me – we’re making the same point.  I live with my Fiance, we wouldnt have moved in together (and then bought a house together as common law) if we weren’t moving towards marriage and we wouldnt have gotten engaged without living together first.  The actual wedding day doesnt realistically change our day to day relationship – we are already ‘Us’.

 

Post # 28
Member
2123 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014 - DD born 2015 DS born 2017

bellsprout :  I just mean it’s more legally messy *in case* you break up because of some issue that arises after living together before marriage. But it’s unlikely that a serious couple living together would discover some insane unknown habit… but it does happen: http://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/totally-blindsided-by-new-husbands-behavior-may-be-tmi/  One of the more famous Weddingbee boards! Or discovering they’d been hiding a child porn habit or drug problem or something.

I totally agree with you on the ‘us’ thing though <3

Post # 29
Member
26 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: April 2018

ronster :  Fiance and I are moving in together next month and aren’t getting married for another 13 months after that. I think it’s exciting to start our lives together before we get that piece of paper that makes it official.

I get where your parents are coming from, but you guys are adults and are paying your own rent and bills, so I don’t see a problem in doing what feels right for you and Fiance. 

Post # 30
Member
7851 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

My parents are like yours, but I stood up to them and decided to move in with my partner (after we were engaged but about 9 months before our wedding) anyway. It was the right thing to do for our relationship and I don’t regret it, but it did cause significant agony with my family. It’s been about six months since we moved in together and my parents have basically gotten over it, but it was ROUGH for awhile. It’s not an easy thing to make a decision that is literally breaking the heart of someone you love. Still, had to be done…I’m 31 and I’m not about to enter into a marriage by setting a precedent that my parents can dictate the choices my partner and I make for ourselves.

My advice is to figure out what your own values are, and own them. Do you personally have a problem with living together before marriage, or are you ok with it? If you personally are ok with it, and your partner wants it to, then you should do it. Your parents will be devastated but they’ll accept it and move on.

Leave a comment


Find Amazing Vendors