(Closed) Living Together before Marriage and keeping it top secret

posted 5 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
2490 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2018

I don’t know… I don’t really understand why at 28 you feel the need to hide your life from your parents?! I get that she’s against the idea but it’s YOUR life.

Post # 4
Member
4313 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

Yes, there is something wrong here.  You’re 28 years old, and if your mom thinks living separately is going to stop the two of you from having sex – she needs to be corrected.

Why live a lie?  I would tell your family and let the chips fall where they may.  There’s no reason for a mother to be running your life like this if ya’ll are paying your own way.

Post # 5
Member
496 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

Kind of seems to me that rather than tying your life in knots in order to live up to your mother’s unrealistic expectations, you should just sit down and have a conversation with her. You should explain that while you respect her views, you have different ones and you hope she can be happy you have found happiness with your boyfriend. If you think marriage is on the horizon for you and your boyfriend, you can stress that you won’t be in this situation forever.

 

Chances are she is going to find out at some point anyway, so you may as well be up front rather than living a lie and being miserable about it. Who knows, maybe it will help her be less judgemental towards other people in the same situation.

Post # 6
Member
691 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

At 28 mom shouldn’t really be that big an influence in your decisions.

Post # 7
Member
9142 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL

Ugh.  I just dealt with it and my parents got over it.  It’s a bit silly to still be lying years later and almost 30 years old.  If you aren’t brave enough to tell her to her face, send her a letter breaking the news.  Then even if mom isn’t happy and disapproves, you can at least let the cat out of the bag with other people and celebrate your new home. At some point you get old enough not to care what other people think about how you live your life.

Post # 8
Member
580 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

Ditto to what PP’s said. You’re 28, not 18. If you were 18, I’d tell you to hold off…but at 28, you have no reason to live under your parents rule. I understand wanting to please your parents….I am in my mid 20s and still want to please my parents, but when it comes down to it, it is your life and not theirs. 

Post # 9
Member
4524 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

@renzel:  I ABSOLUTELY understand where you are coming from: my mother is on her 5th divorce (yes, 5) and has terrible relationship skills. As an on-again/off-again alcoholic and liar, she has completely alienated herself from everyone so I’m “all she has.”  In addition, she is horrible with money and jumps from marriage to marriage looking for someone to support her. From a young age she has had this idea that since she’s pretty she shouldnt have to work…that hasnt been working out so well for her, as you can see.

 

Anytime I mentioned getting a home with my Boyfriend or Best Friend, I have to be very careful because she immediately will say “well I want to look at it too since I’ll be living there.”  She also has a ‘joke’ she’s been saying since I was like 12 about when I’m well-off someday I am going to buy her a luxury car and plastic surgery. It MIGHT be funny if she didnt 100% expect it.

 

All of that said, I CANNOT tell her my true feelings.  She is too volatile and unpredictable, and THE last person you want to fight with.  So I just avoid.  When you have one parent in the grave (like me) it is even HARDER to tell off the living one.

 

So, I get your choice to leave her out of things. It makes me sad when I see that other people are in a similar situation with their moms that I am.

 

 

Post # 10
Member
4524 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

Another thing that dawned on me: my friend that got married recently had to keep living with her boyfriend a secret as well, but not from their parents: from the church their parents wanted them to get married it.  They had an apartment for YEARS but when they started the required pre-marriage counseling, my friend moved in with her family until the wedding becuase if the pastor/church found out they were cohabitating they couldnt get married there.

 

Post # 11
Member
776 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

@renzel:  I COMPLETELY get where you’re coming from. My family also doesn’t know about Fiance and I living together (his do, and mine probably have an idea but they don’t want to ask, and I don’t want to tell).

I completely get where other Bees are coming from when they think it’s ridiculous, and that you’re an adult (I’m 27 myself so I understand if people think I’m acting like a knob) but the truth of the matter is I do this to keep the peace. Yes, I could tell my parents but what would that achieve? I’m still doing what I want already, and they can rest easy thinking I’m doing it their way. After we’re married, then everything can be out in the open.

I would say others can’t understand unless they’ve lived it. I’ve been lying to my parents one way or another since I was a kid and the only people who understand why are my cousins. I’ve learned that in my family, there are some things my parents just don’t want to know, so I’m doing the courtesy of keeping it from them. However, my situation has an end date.. so I have to ask, what’s the end date for yours?

Post # 12
Member
849 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

I’ve been lurking on these boards for a while and thought about creating an account. But this post finally gave me the push to create an account.

 

 

I can relate to what the OP is going through. My Boyfriend or Best Friend and I have been together for about 7 1/2 months. We recently started talking about seriously moving in together. 

 

 

We decided to move in together in February of next year when my current lease is up. 

 

 

But I am terrified of my family’s reaction. I want to live with Boyfriend or Best Friend but my family is ultra conservative. They will lose respect for me and Boyfriend or Best Friend and if Boyfriend or Best Friend and I get married, they will not be as happy for me or support me as much.

 

 

So yes, I can understand why the OP wants to keep it a secret. I am also tempted to keep it a secret but I’m not going to. Why?

 

 

Because I am 25 and Boyfriend or Best Friend is 28. We are old enough to decide how we want to live our lives. And even though I am dreading the fallout, I am going through with it. Plus BF’s family has no problem with living together before marriage so that helps. 

 

 

Also, I feel like even if I tried to keep it a secret, I would ultimately fail. My family would find out at some point and they would be even angrier because we lied to them. Boyfriend or Best Friend also brought up a good point. If we try to hide it and they find out, it looks like we feel guilty about living together. And we don’t. 

 

 

My only issue is that I don’t want my family to be disappointed in me. But I have to deal with that disappointment because I can’t keep living my life the way they want me to. It sucks but you just have to suck it up and deal with it. 

 

 

So OP, my advice is to tell your mother. She will be upset, angry. But it should eventually blow over in time. Hopefully. 

 

 

Post # 13
Member
2376 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

My ex and I hid the fact that we lived together from his parents.  They knew we lived in the same apartment, but we had to have 2 bedrooms, both set up so they thought that we slept apart.  It was the most ridiculous act that I’ve had to put on in my life.  I told him to grow a pair and tell his parents.  He never did.  It didn’t end well, to say the least.

One of my other friends and his GF were in the same situation too, and they did things the smart way.  His girlfriend moved in, and they never said anything to anyone.  They just did it.  He had a picture posted of his apartment, and her piano was in it.  His parents knew he didn’t play, and asked about it.  He said ‘oh, that’s Jane’s piano’, and that was it.  Totally nonchalant.  And it was the same with her parents, there was a comment about the couch being new, and it was the ‘oh, it’s not new.  It’s John’s’.  They were smart by forcing the conversations to happen in public (nice restaurant, both times) with both of them present.  They faked shock that anyone thought they lived apart – it was the attitude of ‘What did you mean you didn’t know?  Wasn’t it obvious?’.  They’d clearly been living together for months at that point, and they pretty much bulldozed their parents into tolerable acceptance.   

I wouldn’t make a big production out of telling her, just don’t actively hide it.  At this point, you’ve been living together for long enough that it would be obviously ridiculous to uproot everything and change your lifestyle. 

Post # 14
Member
32 posts
Newbee

@renzel:  I’m in a sort of similar situation and it can be very very stressful! My parents know about the living together and are not happy, and do not want any other family members to know. 

Depending on how close you are with your mother, I’d say to find a time where you can talk face to face. Tell her about your living situation and why you’re doing this. She may be angry and upset, but if you’re spouting logic (it’s cheaper, we want to get to know one another better before marriage), it may be hard for her to stay angry forever.  

Also, if you and bf are planning on getting married soon, (e.g., next 2 years), telling Mom could make her come around sooner.

Personally, I would not buy a big ticket item like a house unless I was legally tied to the other owner through marriage – if things go south, it’s very hard to protect yourself. However, you and bf seem comfortable. I would also tell mom about the house.

It’s better she hear all this from you than hearing it from someone else – a cousin, a family friend, anyone. It’s going to be very hard to talk with her and to see her angry, but if she feels close to you and you to her, it should be worth it.  

Post # 15
Member
32 posts
Newbee

@MariContrary:  I also like this strategy. If it’s easier to ‘hint’ at it and let mom draw conclusions on her own, this could avoid some initial anger. 

Post # 16
Member
7220 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2015

@renzel:  My father and I are way too close for me to be able to lie to him about where I’m living, but I still get where you’re coming from. I have managed to “just not mention” to my extended family where I’m living. They see us show up to family gatherings together, but I haven’t explicitly told them that we woke up together! And I’m 34! It’s not about needing their approval or permission, I just know that it would make them uncomfortable and they don’t need to know everything I do with my life. 

I have no recommendations about hiding the fact that you’re living together, but I do recommend you figure out what to do with your mom when your brothers move out. If you’re close to your brothers, talk with them about it. If your mom is assuming you will be taking care of her for the rest of her life, that is probably their assumption too. It isn’t fair that you should be solely responsible for her welfare and they need to know as soon as possible that they will have to help out. 

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