(Closed) Living together before marriage – yes or no

posted 9 years ago in Relationships
  • poll: Do you think its important to live together before marriage?

    Not at all, if youre meant to be it shouldnt matter

    Nope, if it doesnt work divorce is cheap and easy

    Yes, but only a few months before walking down the aisle

    Yes definatly! you need to know youre compatable

  • Post # 3
    3696 posts
    Sugar bee

    It isn’t making a mockery of marriage to respect the institution enough to not blur the edges. I really admire them for having the discipline and wisdom to uphold this aspect of marriage without the religious motivation.

    Post # 5
    642 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: August 2012

    I happen to disagree with the PP. I think that if you go into a marriage with the attitude that you can just get divorced when things get tough is the wrong attitude to have. My Fiance and I  had that talk a long time ago that divorce is NOT an option in our relationship, marrige is hard work and I am a firm believer that you should go into it with eyes wide open. That being said I think that living together before you get married is important, if him leaving his socks on the floor is going to drive you crazy then you should know that before you get married not after. 

    Post # 6
    1849 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: May 2014

    View original reply
    @KCKnd2:  I wasn’t aware that living together is something that fundamentally belongs in the realm of marriage and nowhere else. Don’t you think it’s harsh to say that people who choose to live together respect the institution less? 

    OP, I agree with your perspective, but I know this is somethig that many people have many different opinions on that tend to be hard to reconcile. 

    Post # 7
    15278 posts
    Honey Beekeeper
    • Wedding: June 2011

    Nope, I dont think its necessary or important.  If you are ready to commit yourself to marriage, then you should be able to work out any incompatibilities you may have living together. 

    Post # 8
    97 posts
    Worker bee
    • Wedding: September 2013

    I agree with pinkshoes.


    I am not living with my SO before marriage, for both of us it’s a combination of religious and other reasons. Religion isn’t the only reason for people to choose to not live together. I don’t think sex and living together should be trial run before you get married, but I also believe that divorce is not a cheap and easy way out. The vows you take when you get married are binding.

    Post # 9
    10635 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper
    • Wedding: January 2011

    When he shrugs it off an makes the comments, who are they being made to?  You, or his FI?  If it’s to you, maybe it’s his way of dealing with your comments.  It doesn’t mean he’s necessarily making a mockery of marriage.

    I don’t think it’s necessary.  For some people, they may feel like they need to live together before making the big commitment, which is fine, but others prefer to live together after which is also alright.

    Post # 10
    5295 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: January 1993

    sounds like you are judging this guy pretty hardcore. Some of us just don’t feel the need to have sex before we are married. And yep, some of us have non-religious reasons! What works for you won’t necessarily work (nor is it best) for everyone else.

    Same thing with living together – my husband and I did live together  for a few months before the wedding and it honestly made no difference. In fact, it was a hell of a lot easier than the LDR we had been in for portions of time before that. But that’s what worked for us. You date someone through college, you’re bound to see them at bad times. 

    If this guy ends up divorced, it’ll have no effect on you. 

    View original reply
    @pinkshoes:  agreed!

    Post # 11
    4410 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: December 2010 - Savannah, GA

    No, I don’t think it’s important. 

    Living together is not a way to test whether you’re compatible enough to get married. You better be darn sure you’re compatible before you live together, because otherwise, you’re wasting your time. It’s harder to end a bad relationship after you’ve started living together than before.

    Plus, living together is TOTALLY different than marriage. The commitment level is not the same, especially if you’re living together as a kind of “trial” marriage to see if you’re compatible. You always have an out, which is not the same as marriage. When you’re married, you know you have to at least try to make the relationship work. 

    That being said, I lived with DH before we got married. But I knew that we were completely compatible before I moved in with him. I wouldn’t have moved in with him if I hadn’t known we were compatible. I wasn’t going to waste my time and energy moving in, combining households, changing my life for someone I wasn’t sure I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. We weren’t testing the waters to see if we were compatible. We already knew that, and we knew we were ready to take the next step towards a life together, because being apart was no longer an option. 

    If you aren’t sure whether you’re compatible, living together isn’t the way to figure it out. In My Humble Opinion, couples shouldn’t move in together to try out marriage. It’s not the same thing. 


    Post # 13
    3696 posts
    Sugar bee

    @Steph18:  Whoah, calm down. I took his comment to be a flippant, tongue-in-cheek remark. If that’s not how he meant it (and clearly, you have a better sense than I do of his tone of voice, etc.) then yes, I think that demonstrates a problem with his attitude. Forgive me if I misread that. But I still respect and admire his and his FI’s choice not to live together before marriage.

    View original reply
    @Taeyers:  I feel like you are imputing a harshness that wasn’t actually in my comment. That said, I do feel like some people look at living together as “marriage lite,” a way of practicing or testing the waters, etc., and that on some level they don’t respect it as much. I don’t think that applies to everybody. The statistics for cohabiting couples show some interesting patterns. Here is a link to About.com’s page on cohabitation. It notes that in the U.S., cohabiting couples taking premarital education courses or counseling (i.e. couples who do demonstrably take marriage seriously) are not at a higher risk for divorce.

    Post # 16
    10635 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper
    • Wedding: January 2011

    It could be his way of dealing with other’s comments if they don’t approve of his choices.  It could just be his sense of humour.  My DH was joking about what his second wedding would be like during the planning process.  It doesn’t mean he doesn’t take our marriage seriously.

    I would be surprised if a couple who was waiting for marriage to move in together and have sex don’t take it seriously.  Did you ever ask him what their reasons are?

    You have the right to be offended by his comments, but he has the right to make them.

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